Let me guess why you’re here: you’ve been drinking heavily, texted a few exes, made yourself a large sandwich, and now you’re rethinking many of the decisions you’ve made throughout your life. Chief among them being the hideous vehicle you’ve got out in the driveway; you decided you want to get rid of it, but you’re not sure how. To figure it out, you searched “sell my car” in your favorite web browser, saw this, and decided I could help you do what needs to be done.
And you’re right – you’ve had the great good fortune of landing here, out of all the Internet, and you’ll soon be privy to the deepest secrets of the auto industry. I’m going to teach you, with just five easy tricks, how to sell your car for the most money possible. It doesn’t matter what kind of vehicle you have, don’t worry about little details like make and model; it’s all the same, and these tricks work more than 84% of the time!
Trick #1 – Appearances Are Everything
If you’ve ever heard the phrase “curb appeal” when people talk about the real estate market, then you already understand this one. People tend to want to buy something that looks good – an item that catches their eye and appears appealing is more likely to sell. This is true for real estate, human trafficking, and selling your car.
Before you approach a buyer or dealership looking to sell your car, give it a good cleaning inside and out. Throw away all those fast-food wrappers and bags littering your floorboards, vacuum out all of the dust, hair, and teeth in the cracks between your seats, and give it a proper wash and wax to really make it look spiffy. Remember to cover up or mask all of the horrifying odors you’ve put into your vehicle with a little chemical spray; it’ll make all the difference.
Trick #2 – Invest to Multiply Your Money
One of the most important things you should keep in mind when selling your car is that every dollar you put into it directly translates into five dollars back out of it. If you have a cracked windshield that will cost $100 to repair, then do it – that’s at least $500 of increased value, guaranteed! Yes, I said it: guaranteed! Spend $10,000 on a new engine and sell your car for $50,000 more than it’s worth right now; put a $4k decal of a dragon wrapped around the supple, pendulous curves of a nude Richard Nixon along the side of your van and see people offer $20k more than you expect. Trust me on this; it works!
Trick #3 – Learn to Talk to Buyers
Every experienced salesperson will tell you the same thing: the most important part of making a sale is knowing how to talk to your potential buyer. If you’re looking to sell to another human person, then be sure to speak in calm tones, preferably just above a whisper. Do some research into ASMR and use those techniques – everyone loves them, and they’ll provide a soothing sense of reassurance for your customer.
If you plan on selling your car to a dealer, then go the other way. Talk as loudly as you possibly can to everyone that you interact with at the dealership. Project authority at all times – even if you don’t know what you’re talking about, pretend that you do; never say you don’t know something or ask someone else’s opinion. If you notice they’re starting to talk louder too, be sure to dominate the conversation and remain at a higher volume than them; scream if you have to. They’ll respect you for it and offer you more for your car.
Trick #4 – The MOST IMPORTANT Thing
[This trick is no longer available due to a DMCA takedown notice from the Ford Motor Company]
Trick #5 – Value Is Meaningless
Finally, if you still need any advice after that last bombshell (I doubt it), you should remember that value is ultimately an abstract and meaningless concept. Something is worth whatever someone else is willing to pay for it. If you would pay yourself $180k for a 1984 Plymouth Voyager, then that’s what it’s worth, and don’t let anyone tell you differently. You determine your own value and the value of the things you own – anyone who tries to change that is committing a hate crime against you and your inherent humanity. Remember that and act accordingly the next time someone tries to lowball you for that sweet 1998 Ford Taurus that’s languishing in your garage.
Editor’s Note: All of the editorial staff, marketing department, and our supervisors hereby back the author of this piece in his guarantee that these tricks will absolutely work. If you find any problems or issues when using any of these, and they prove to not be helpful, then we would like to hear your outrage. Please direct any complaints and anger to (202) 675-6000. Thank you.