There are probably a lot of factors you consider when stopping into your local Nissan dealer for a new ride. I’m sure you have a budget in mind, as well as performance and size requirements. You may favor capable all-wheel drive over efficient front-wheel drive, and heated front seats or a good sound system might be absolute musts. These are all good things to keep in mind, but have you considered picking a Nissan based on your zodiac sign?
Astrology may not be an exact science, or science at all, depending on who you’re asking, but for believers, it may be exactly the solution an indecisive shopper needs. For nonbelievers, horoscopes are basically just a bit of hokey fun. Who knows, though? Maybe the stars do have an answer for those looking for their new set of wheels. Maybe the gas-explosions happening millions of lightyears away do have something to do with your tiny existence and even more minuscule decision of what car you are supposed to buy. It could happen.
Aries: Nissan GT-R
Aries are natural-born leaders who project energy and confidence. They are also impatient and impulsive. The Nissan GT-R is one of the most iconic Nissans of all time, nay, one of the most iconic cars of all time, rocketing to fame in the 1990s and garnering a reputation as one of the most desirable tuner cars on the market. As someone who wants the best of the best, there’s no better car than the Nissan GT-R. This car, with its 565-600 horsepower, caters well to the impatient side of an Aries, as it can go fast through traffic and probably earn you tons of speeding and reckless driving tickets. But hey, at least scaring grandma into a stroke as you barely miss her in the crosswalk because stop lights are for losers is fun.
Taurus: Nissan Armada Platinum
A Taurus enjoys the finer things in life and is likely to be the kind of driver who values enjoying the journey. You are also completely stuck in your ways and stubborn. For hedonists, the Armada Platinum is the ultimate Nissan. It’s a full-size SUV with plenty of roominess for up to eight passengers, and the Platinum trim tops the lineup, making it the most luxurious SUV offering from Nissan in 2023. It comes with features like quilted leather seats, heated and cooled front seats, and a tri-zone entertainment system. It will be the perfect companion as you staunchly refuse to ask for directions, don’t move from the passing lane even though you’re going slower than the geriatric grandfather with cataracts, and take forever to get to the restaurant you go to every week where you will sit, order the same meal you always get, and still find something to complain about.
Gemini: Nissan Kicks
Two-faced and willing to change on a dime, Geminis need a flashy vehicle that brings the energy required to keep up with their changing whims. Your perfect companion will be the Nissan Kicks. Are you the type of person who gets halfway to the grocery store only to decide you prefer the farmers market on the other side of town? The Kicks has the nimble handling and responsive power to take abrupt route changes in stride. It’s wrapped up in a small package, offering a zippy driving experience that a fun-seeking Gemini will enjoy. It also has impressive fuel economy, getting 31 MPG in the city and 36 MPG on the highway, which means fewer fuel stops for the impatient Gemini. Not to mention, the wild and crazy color combos will really compliment your colorful array of personalities.
Cancer: Nissan Pathfinder
Cancers are incredibly loyal and ready to change plans whenever needed. That said, they’re also the most hyper-sensitive people out there who are already mad reading this because it has acknowledged their existence. A car that can fit the whole family and get them safely from one location to the next is going to be a must for a Cancer. Cue the Nissan Pathfinder. Another SUV from Nissan, the Pathfinder can comfortably seat up to eight people across its three rows. It also comes standard with a slew of safety features, including automatic emergency braking, blind spot warning, and rear cross traffic alert. These safety features are especially important, as it is likely you are not paying attention to the road, just changing lanes and making turns as the mood strikes without any care for those around you outside of your SUV. Don’t worry; if people get mad that you cut them off, you have permission to cry.
Leo: Nissan Z
A Leo loves attention and making a good impression. They are also the most full of themselves and need a vehicle that shows the world just how “important” they are. For that, you’ll need to go for the Nissan Z. It’s a snazzy sports car with a profile that’s sure to turn heads (which is just what you want). It doesn’t quite look like anything else Nissan is offering in 2023, putting it in a style class all of its own. If its good looks aren’t enough to win people over, its obnoxious 400 ponies surely will. It also comes standard with a six-speed manual, something sure to earn a nod of approval from driving enthusiasts everywhere as you repeatedly tell them how cool you are because you know how to drive stick. Good for you. Now go stand outside the grocery store and gloat over the plebes.
Virgo: Nissan Maxima
The Maxima is a sedan that Nissan has been perfecting since the 1980s, making it the car of choice for the industrious Virgo. It hits the sweet spot between power and price that practical drivers gravitate towards. Its 3.5-liter V6 is powerful enough to get the job done with 300 hp, and the Maxima can be had with practical comforts like heated rear seats and rain-sensing windshield wipers while keeping the cost manageable. This is the perfect compliment to the prim and prissy Virgo, who will absolutely NOT allow you to eat, drink, smoke, or do anything else in their ride that may create a mess. Yes, that means you children. You bring even one spec of dirt from the outside world, and you better vacuum and wash the whole car before you leave.
Libra: Nissan Altima
A Libra enjoys balance, and there may be no Nissan that encompasses that more than the Altima. That’s right, for those who can never make up their mind and therefore have to go with the most white bread option available to be able to get anywhere, the Altima will do the job. It’s a do-it-all sedan with all-around good specs. It’s strong with 248 hp and efficient with a fuel economy of 27 MPG in the city and 39 MPG on the highway. It also comes in several different trim options, meaning there’s a perfect Altima for even the most indecisive of Libras. We are telling you to buy the Altima, so now you don’t have to decide anymore; we’ve done it for you. Now let’s move on already.
Scorpio: Nissan Rogue
A Scorpio is a rogue of sorts, with an air of mystery that often befuddles those close to them. They tend to be compassionate and feel emotions deeply, so when it comes to their choice of vehicle, it’s probably best to play it safe (despite the fact that their association with sex and death makes them anything but safe to be around). With all-wheel drive capability, the Nissan Rogue has the flexibility a Scorpio requires during the morning commute and when it’s time to kick things up a notch to keep things exciting. Plus, it has plenty of cargo space for all of that emotional baggage. Let’s be honest, though, they’ve probably got better things to think about than the car they’re driving, (like contemplating all the ways the world is ending), so a reliable crossover like the Rogue is a perfect fit.
Sagittarius: Nissan Frontier
If you’re a Sagittarius, you probably have a curious spirit and an adventurous outlook and require a vehicle to match. More realistically, you are flighty and hate dealing with any kind of problem, so you choose to run fast and far and need a vehicle that can take you anywhere that is away from reality. The Nissan Frontier is a midsize pickup with a spunky personality. It certainly has impressive capability with 310 hp and a towing capacity of 6,720 lbs, but this truck is far from being all work. With four-wheel drive and ample ground clearance, the Frontier is ready to go wherever a Sagittarius may want to take it. Keep running from your problems, Sagittarius; I’m sure you’ll be able to avoid them forever if you just keep driving.
Capricorn: Nissan Titan
Capricorns are one of the hardest working signs, so their perfect vehicular counterpart needs to work hard, too. The full-sized Titan pickup is one of the most capable in Nissan’s lineup. It comes standard with 400 hp, 413 lb-ft of torque, and can tow up to 11,033 lbs. In other words, it comes equipped with the power needed to match a Capricorn’s ambition. Use this truck to roll over all of the people who would dare stand in your way (this is not us condoning running over your coworkers with the Titan to get a promotion, but the Platinum Reserve trim does weigh 5,898 lbs).
Aquarius: Nissan ARIYA
An Aquarius is a forward-thinking individual with a lack of human soul (they’re more akin to computers with the way they view the world), so the upcoming ARIYA is going to check all of their boxes. As someone who is cold and detached, you need something that is technologically cold and detached, but forward-thinking, to match. The Nissan ARIYA is a completely new Nissan that is fully electric, meaning no harmful emissions. It is sure to encompass lots of cutting-edge Nissan tech, which will excite the progressive Aquarius. Plus, with its futuristic looks, you are likely to repel other humans.
Pisces: Nissan LEAF
Pisces are known for their kindness and sensitivity, so they’re also going to want a Nissan that minimizes harm done to the environment. That said, they can also be spaced out and want something that’s ready to bring them to the bar. The LEAF is Nissan’s other electric offering, in a more compact size. It has two battery options: a 40 kWh battery that gets 147 miles of range and a 60 kWh battery that gets 214 miles of range. It’s packed with Nissan’s driver assist features like Intelligent Forward Collision Warning, Intelligent Blind Spot Intervention, and Intelligent Lane Intervention, so when you’re lost daydreaming about parallel universes or spacing out, as you’re prone to do, then the LEAF can intervene, so you don’t hurt other drivers.
Stars Amongst Cars
A Nissan stands out in the car world thanks to the value created by its combination of capability, convenience features, and style achieved by every model. It doesn’t matter what constellations occupied the sky on the day you were born; when it comes to Nissan, there’s a vehicle for everyone that is a perfect match for all your pre-ordained personality trait excuses. Whether you choose to let the stars decide or opt for a more tangible method of car shopping is entirely up to you; you’re unlikely to go wrong at your Nissan dealer.