We Talked to an Aging Honda Accord Who Argues for the Right to Commit Assisted Suicide

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A maroon Honda Accord is shown in a crusher after leaving a lot that had used Hondas for sale.

One of the most controversial topics that have been heavily debated for the past few decades is euthanasia. Until his passing in 2011, Dr. Jack Kevorkian, known to some as “Dr. Death,” helped people who were terminally ill commit assisted suicide. There are those who argue in favor of euthanasia, insisting that people who are ill and live in constant pain have the right to terminate their life if they so choose to. It’s a slippery slope, and others argue that assisted suicide is simply murder by proxy. This point of contention has now made its way to the automotive industry, and at CJ’s Auto, in particular, one of the many used Hondas for sale on its lot is arguing that it has the right to end its existence. We asked the Honda Accord why this is and if they were interested in arguing their case.

Q: At what point did you decide that self-termination was the best option?
A: It was around the time I hit 100,000 miles. Accelerating past 3500 RPMs is a painful experience for me. I’ve had a great life; I think it’s always good manners when it’s time to make an exit.

Q: There must be a few options available. Today’s vehicles are built to last a very long time.
A: Look, I know this seems barbaric to some. But costly repairs will only delay the inevitable. Sure, I could have a new transmission installed and maybe have my engine rebuilt, but that’s not living; that’s simply existing.

Q: Many people regard assisted suicide as murder–what makes your case any different?
A: Have you ever seen a wrecking yard? Have you ever seen the process that so many of us are condemned to by our owners every year? Strapped on a conveyor belt, smashed apart to pieces by machinery, condensed to an unrecognizable shape, and placed on a pile with other discarded pieces of scrap metal. It’s a terrible way to end up. Drivers get to play God every day, deciding what they have to do and when they get terminated. I’m simply choosing when it’s the proper time to go. It’s my life, and I should get to make that choice without any condemnation.

Q: How would an assisted suicide for a Honda Accord be performed? Nothing like this has ever been done before.
A: That’s true; there’s no precedent for car euthanasia. I’ve met with some people to figure out the best way to do it, so it’s a relatively pain-free experience. There are two ways in which it can be done, and I’m considering the advantages of both. The first way is what’s known as battery death. This entails removing the belt from the alternator and running the engine until the life of the battery gives out. The second option, and the one I’m leaning towards, is what they refer to as the “Socrates.” Just as the philosopher took Hemlock in Ancient Greece, I’ll ingest a substantial amount of diesel fuel. The engine will run for a short period until it seizes, and then, with some dignity left, my existence will cease.

Q: Are there any final messages that you wish to convey? Seeing that if this process is allowed, we might not get a chance to talk to you again.
A: Well, I know the average driver might not understand my choice to end my life prematurely. But we’re put under a considerable amount of strain every single day. I’ve never asked for anything. I simply request the autonomy to decide when it’s my time to go.

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