Shady Car Salesman Offers Masterclass in Ripping Off Unsuspecting Buyers

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A salesman is shown holding a clipboard while trying to convince you to sell your car.

“There’s a sucker born every minute.” While this phrase was coined well over a century ago, its spirit is alive and well in a masterclass being offered by Michael “Honest Mikey” Christopher. In an age where people can purchase cars from the comfort of their own home and manufacturers are subverting the world of shady businessmen with competitive Certified Pre-Owned vehicle programs, Christopher is offering people the chance to learn the insider secrets that he’s guarded closely…until now. In what Christopher describes as the “steal the deal and sell my car” masterclass, the veteran has promised to teach the tricks of the trade that are necessary to deprive consumers of their hard-earned cash by selling them automobiles that are low in quality but high in cost.

“Swindling the unsuspecting prospect is a lost art form,” Christopher explains. “It was once a profession that thrived, thanks to desperate people looking through classified ads and not understanding that subtlety of well-worded ads that are themselves well-crafted masterpieces of deception and cunning.” The well-established and often maligned automotive seller has his work cut out for him. Consumers are protected now more than ever from the tricks and ruses perpetrated by Christopher and his type. A struggle that the salesman says has inflicted damage upon his trade, but nothing he cannot overcome. “I’m going to bring up an entire generation of new swindlers. I won’t let this way of life pass on into the night because the big manufacturers and their desire to run their businesses by the letter of the law want to bully me. It’s time to pass the torch.”

While we were somewhat appalled at the snake oil salesman’s demeanor, we couldn’t help but admire the passion and conviction in every word he spoke. Christopher’s claims of being one of the last bastions of the sacred art form of swindling are well-founded. He’s been run out of several towns before, an action that he describes as a badge of honor and distinction. “The way I see it, it’s an honor to generate such a response from any community I’ve started businesses in.”

A hand is shown filling out test answers with a pencil.

While Christopher wasn’t willing to tell us any of his secrets, he did give us a list of some of the masterclass’s more intricate lessons he’ll be teaching to those who are interested in learning this art form of a bygone era. Some of Christopher’s coursework will include:

  • Accidents? What Accidents? – How to Alter a CARFAX Report
  • Mileage Doesn’t Matter: Setting the Tachometer to the Numbers You Want
  • Banking by Way of the Love Boat: Off-Shore Accounts and Picking One That Can Hide Your Assets
  • For the Vin: Swapping Engine Vin Numbers and Avoiding Detection
  • Millimeters, Not Miles: How to Write a Warranty and Hide the Important Details that Benefit You and Not Them
  • Where There’s a Loophole, There’s a Way: How to Bypass Consumer Protection Laws

We asked this sensei of swindling how he’s managed to set up such a class without any worry of legality or prosecution. His answers were impressive, to say the least. “When the Ford Pinto was deemed dangerous back in the 1970s, I was a first-year salesman working on a used car lot. People were worried about driving one around. The thought of an exploding car was just too much for some people.” Christopher then pulls a cigar from his blue blazer with a curious oil stain around the collar. “I told many people that the law of averages was a lot to learn from; just because some of them blew up doesn’t mean yours will.” Needless to say, we were impressed with the salesman’s ability to sell the idea with such gusto. We almost wanted to buy one.

It’s still uncertain when and where the class will take place, but Christopher is certainly making an offer that quite a few will have a hard time refusing.

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