Emo Teen Deeply Traumatized That the Word “Chrysler” Has Nothing to Do With Shedding Tears

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A Chrysler symbol is shown in front of an emo kid after he looked up '2022 Chrysler 300'.

It was a normal business day at Casper Chrysler. The lot opened up at its normal time, and the new shipment of 2022 Chrysler 300 models arrived to be placed on display in the hopes that consumers would be eager to test drive the new luxury automobile. Then, there was a disturbance in the front office that shook everyone from their normal routine. The staff’s workday was interrupted by Johnathan Berry, who was in tears and visibly upset. “I wasn’t sure what to make of the situation at first.” Receptionist Kelly Bergeson stated. “One minute I’m taking a call for my boss, the next I have some kid in eyeliner and a My Chemical Romance shirt screaming at me in between uncontrollable sobs about how the name of our company misled him.”

After several minutes of sobbing and hysterical behavior, Berry was brought to a relative state of calm. The staff of Casper Chrysler were concerned about the young person’s mental state and were curious about what prompted him to be in the state of panic and dread he was currently in. Attempting to dry his eyes without smudging his intricately applied eyeliner, Berry explained that he had seen a recent advertisement for Casper Chrysler while watching his favorite YouTube channel, “Ideal places to cry where your mom won’t find you.” He said he felt a “brief glimmering ray of joy that appeared to pierce his aura of perpetual melancholy,” referring to seeing the name “Chrysler” and immediately assumed that the long celebrated American manufacturer specialized in making vehicles that were emotionally driven and provided a place to shed tears in. “I thought someone finally got me! It’s not fair!” were the words that several staff members of the dealership purported to have heard repeatedly in a whiny, shrill voice.

“It was one of the strangest days I’ve experienced at the dealership,” sales manager Rick Beavis stated. “I’ve been with the company since the days of Lee Iacocca, and I’ve never seen someone reduced to such an emotional state over a simple misunderstanding.” The sales manager then went on to tell us why test driving a new Chrysler 300 might have helped Berry out, but the disgruntled teen ended up calling his mother to come pick him up.

Because we believe strongly in providing journalism that’s fair, balanced, and objective, we sought out Berry to speak to him about his recent predicament. Berry, who lives with his parents in the Able Pines gated community, was all too eager to share his side of the story. “I’m graduating this year, and my parents told me I could get a car. I just didn’t care; none of these big companies care. They don’t understand the torment and suffering I undergo every day. My poetry is what I care about. Not the new Lexus my mom drives around when she’s not overseeing that soulless corporation she runs.”

We were somewhat perplexed at how someone who lives in what appeared to be a loving and supportive family would be so upset about the Chrysler name. We pushed the wayward teen for more information, and he went into detail about how the terminology used by the manufacturer was misleading. “Crying is what makes us human. I’m not like everyone else. I’m in touch with my emotions, and it allows me to express my suffering through my poems. Chrysler has no right to appropriate human emotion in order to sell cars to all these sheep who chase their hollow dreams.”

While we attempted to explain to Berry that Chrysler has been in business since 1925, he called us “servants of a capitalist hierarchy that cared nothing for his artistic endeavors” and promptly ended the interview.

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