Brave Patriots Bravely Turn Against the Us

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An American Flag shaped like Texas is shown crossed out after a used Chevy truck dealership secedes from the United States.

Webster’s dictionary defines a “patriot” as “n. 1 fancy pastry 2 a shop where such pastry is made and sold,” and I couldn’t agree more. In this day and age, it’s more important than ever to know what you stand for and to believe in what is right. Recently, one new and used Chevy truck dealership in Texas became the perfect illustration of what a patriot truly is by declaring its independence from the United States of America.

I salute such brave and noble actions, particularly since they are being undertaken in the spirit of community and for utterly selfless reasons. Just the other day, I had the chance to chat with the controversial owner of the dealership, Mr. Robert Bob Robertson, and get his views on his recent actions. His words were illuminating, to say the least.

Take me through it; how did this all start?

RBR: “Well, Mr. Squashbutt, [I failed to correct him] I’m a real American, y’know? Not like one of these foreigners who comes into this country to take all of our jobs and leech off the government. Don’t get me wrong: I know how it is to be in tough times. I’ve had tough times too. I was on food stamps. No one helped me. I was on unemployment and gov’ment assistance programs, and no one ever assisted me. But I turned things around.”

You pulled yourself up by your bootstraps?

RBR: “Damn right! So now things are going great. I own my own truck dealership, and I got a house, a wife, three kids, and another on the way. The American dream. And where else could someone find success and own a business other than America? Huh!? Anywhere else, the government comes and takes your business away. That’s communism!”

Of course.

RBR: “Like all good Americans, I go to do my taxes, and it turns out I owe money! This is the best year my dealership has ever had. I’ve made more money than ever in my life, and the government wants to take it from me! This isn’t the country I almost joined the Army to fight for, goddamnit! I made six figures last year, do you get me? Six figures! I’m not paying 7% of that to no goddamn Uncle Tom!”

I think you mean “Uncle Sam.”

RBR: “Him neither!”

[At this point in the interview, he paused to cough repeated for several minutes, and smoked two cigarettes before regaining his composure]

RBR: “So I says to my wife, I says ‘Hell no, we’re not paying this!’ And she comes back with, ‘They’ll kick you in jail if you don’t pay your taxes.’ So that got me thinking: what if there weren’t jails for good people like me? This country should be a place where hard-working Americans don’t have to worry about paying for things like ‘gay surgeries’ or roads.”

What are “gay surgeries?”

RBR: [Ignoring my question] “That’s when I decided we’d succeed from the country and make our own America. A real America for real Americans, you know? The way it used to be. Before hard working folks had to pay for other people to get food stamps and healthcare. I’m not paying for some floozy to get an abortion! Abortion is murder, and I’m not paying for murder. I already paid for my girlfriend to get an abortion last year. I’m not paying for someone else’s goddamnit!”

“So now my dealership is its own sover’n nation. But those Washington fat cats ain’t too happy about that. I don’t care! Anyone can come join us as long as you’re willing to work hard and you believe in what’s good and right.”

Who decides what’s good and right?

RBR: “Well, I do, of course, as king president of my country! We don’t believe in no taxes or proppin’ up them poor people who don’t want to work a real job. Anyone who thinks like we do can come join us. All you have to do is pay 15% of your earnings each year so we can upkeep the property and such. Seems fair to me.”

But isn’t that— [Unfortunately, I was unable to finish my question as I was interrupted]

RBR: “Oh damn, gotta go. Seems the feds outside have started playing weird sounds and loud music again to get us to come out. If there’s one thing I learned from the brave heroes at Ruby Ridge and them folks at Waco, it’s that the feds ain’t got the balls to make a move on real Americans!”

That was the end of my interview with the owner of American America’s Trucks for Americans—that’s the name of his dealership. While I don’t agree with all of his policies, I’ll certainly let someone else fight to the death in order to defend them. Are you strong enough to say the same?

Editor’s Note: We attempted to verify the details of this piece, and the dealership talked about in it. While searching headlines for a dealership seceding from the US, all we could find is countless articles about mass shootings, and we gave up. Research is hard! Thank you.

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