Atlanta is Changing the Auto Industry

Donald Glover is next to the Buick emblem and a car from a Buick dealer in Atlanta.

Big things are happening in Atlanta, and the auto industry is changing forever in an effort to keep up with these remarkable events. It’s no surprise, considering the population of Atlanta is nearly half a million people, many of them licensed drivers with a need for reliable vehicles. While these changes have been most pronounced at Buick dealers in Atlanta, other dealerships in the area have helped usher in a change that’s sweeping the nation. And I say it’s about time.

You know me (you don’t know me), I’m never one to toot the proverbial horn of the auto industry, but when they do something right, I’m going to give them accolades when due. “Inclusion” might feel like a buzzword these days, but it’s an important concept – people want to be included, it’s in our nature. And anything that companies, including those in the auto industry, can do to include more people in the things they make, the better it is for all of us. For far too long, society and car manufacturers have ignored our aquatic friends and neighbors, leaving them listless and uncared-for in the cold, oceanic depths of the Atlantic.

Well, no more!

Atlanta Car Buyers

The word 'Atlanta' is shown over a lake.

According to the information I have in front of me, the average Atlantean is between the ages of twenty-two hundred and three-thousand years old, depending on whether he or she was born before or after the flood. The records that we have shown that Atlanta sank, in a single day and night of impossible terror, into the sea as part of a great calamity. Refusing to be destroyed by such a cataclysm, however, the great Atlantean people evolved and changed with their new environment.

Their feet fused over many centuries of swimming, their legs joined together and became long, luxurious tails, covered in a dazzling array of many-colored scales. As their powerful tails developed, so too did their lungs transform into far more complex organs, functioning as both lungs and gills – allowing the great peoples of Atlanta to breathe underwater, yet still, rise to the surface to trade with the dwellers of the world they left behind. Indeed, their physiology is stunning, and I can’t help but wonder why car manufacturers have ignored them for so long.

Until recently, a citizen of Atlanta had to rely on a chariot for transportation of any significant distance. While these were traditionally pulled by massive seahorses, not only due to the delightful linguistic implications of the species but also in no-small-part due to their skills in battle, a wide range of sea creatures have taken on this task over the millennia. Mighty crabs were known to scuttle the floors of silent seas, towing a massive fleet of submarine chariots behind them. Giant squids, often utilized only by the most wealthy and powerful of Atlanteans, would glide through the darkened waters, their noble passengers relaxing and propelled by the sophisticated elegance of their every graceful movement.

A basketball playing merman is on a basketball court.
Above: an artist’s rendition of the author’s belief of “what people from Atlanta probably look like”

A Tradition of Ignorance

Since the birth of the auto industry, those of us gifted with a life on the solid ground have found newer and faster means of transport. The horseless carriage has proven itself time and again, from the iron ponies that have won wars, to the powerful sports cars that have raced into our cultural imagination. And yet, during the last century of incredible progress, the noble and wise people of Atlanta have been ignored.

Call it intolerance, call it blissful ignorance, or call it shortsightedness, for too long auto manufacturers felt no call to appeal to such a diverse and remarkable demographic. This may be due to the ancient wars that once divided the peoples of Atlanta and the terrestrial world like a terrible gulf. It’s no secret that much of the world was conquered through travel by sea – the vast fleet of ships that made up the British Navy allowed them to spread their empire through every corner of the world.

But our mariner forebears refused to pay for safe passage across those vast, ancient seas, and the wars began. Who can forget the vivid descriptions of those battles? The Sargasso Offensive, which resulted in so many lives lost as the Navy unleashed its powerful cannons upon the charge of the porpoise brigade, bearing the proud warriors of Atlanta. Or the Battle of Bar’dun, when the elders of Atlanta summoned a giant sea tortoise; more than 400,000 land-dweller lives were lost in the carnage and devastation that followed. A terrible history indeed…

Moving Forward

And yet, despite our troubled past, there is hope for the future. I mentioned Buick in the opening passage of this meditation on the auto industry because they were the first to finally bridge the gap between those on land and those that dwell in the dark, cerulean depths below. Some time ago, one of their engineers realized that electric cars opened up the potential for development of powerful sea vehicles – the internal combustion process had always been a problem for previous designs and concepts.

It took Buick’s team of designers only a few years to create the first of their sea-cars, a concept vehicle dubbed the “Triton.” I don’t have to tell you where it went from there; you’ve seen the headlines and watched the videos online just like I have. Within only a few years, Buick had cornered the market and become the most popular car company in Atlanta.

Others, as so often happens, soon followed suit, and a bold new age of aquatic automotive design began. Today, every major auto manufacturer in the world has at least one model developed for use by the peoples of Atlanta, and Ford is said to be working on a Super Duty pickup designed exclusively for use in the gray depths of the sea. I’ve also heard from several sources that the Atlantean people are developing their own vehicles now. A new company called “Nautilus Automotive” has recently partnered with someone going by the name “Elon Mollusk” and is going to be opening a manufacturing plant in Atlanta very soon.

What this Means for the Rest of Us

Whether you are sitting in the comfort of your home, stable on solid ground, or reading this by the warm, bioluminescent glow of your aquatic kelp pod, we’re all in this together. The future of the world is shared by all creatures, including those that adapted to the destruction of their home by becoming beautiful fish people. If I stare a bit too long at your tails, it is only from deep admiration and not at all based on a silent longing I dare not name.

Together, the peoples of land and sea can work to forge a new future from the bitter ashes and burnt embers of our destructive past. The path ahead may be steep at times, but great adventures often take the most troublesome roads. And thanks to the efforts of Buick, Nautilus Automotive, and others, we’ll be able to navigate those roads together, with 4,000 seahorsepower to get us there.

Editor’s Note: We think the writer got a little mixed up on this one. And yet, this is one of the more compelling pieces we’ve received from him, so we’re not going to tell him. Don’t you tell him either! Seriously, if we find out you tried to contact him about his error, we will find you and give you a stern talking to. Stern. We’ll call your mother if we have to, so don’t do it! Thank you.


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