Friends, the 2020 Ford EcoSport is a hell of an SUV. It has four tires, good strong tires that really connect to the road thanks to the Earth getting in the way of gravity doing what it does. There’s an engine in there, some kind of mechanism that produces energy and distributes it to those amazing tires I mentioned a moment ago, causing the whole thing to go forward. And backward too––it can go backward. What a time we live in!
Unfortunately, the fine folks at Ford floundered and flubbed the finish and found fault in fair, forthright flyers for their functional fruition, falling to your faithful friend and fully functional flibbertigibbet to flourish my flair for fond fundamentals. Their advertising is appalling! It’s all images of the EcoSport driving on roads and doing other such mundane tasks with either a person pictured driving or no perceivable driver at all.
I don’t want that. Who wants that? It’s time for car advertisers to give us what we really want: commercials and images showing adorable animals driving their vehicles.
In particular, I’m looking for the following:
Far more adorable than your standard armadillo, a pangolin is what you’d get if you provided medieval scale mail armor to an anteater and told it about the military habits of aggressive roly-poly bugs. They’re amazing. And baby pangolins are on another level entirely.
Their small hands typically clutched together; baby pangolins often look nervous or apprehensive, famously described as looking like they’re working up the courage to ask you to prom. Now imagine one of these wonderful beasts behind the wheel of the 2020 Ford EcoSport, the wind gliding along its luxurious scales, not a care in the world. If you want to sell me an SUV, show me what it looks like being driven by a baby pangolin. It’s just that simple.
Your standard hippopotamus, or “river horse,” is a gloriously pudgy nightmare that can kill a man faster than you can explain that they’re unable to swim and instead simply walk along the bottom of a body of water. Seriously, they’re incredibly ferocious and unimaginably powerful––with the destructive capacity of a well-armed tank. If you ever see one in the wild: don’t run. There’s no point––it’s already the end for you.
Baby hippos, on the other hand, are something else entirely. Squishy mounds of gleeful energy, these wiggly creatures, like a slimy collection of folds and snout, are a joy to behold. While I don’t think a single baby hippo could likely utilize the various features and steering apparatus of the 2020 Ford EcoSport, I have no doubt that a snuggly bloat of baby hippos could work together, between naps and snacks, to get the EcoSport running and really take it for a ride.
Frogs are better than toads, there I said it.
There are more than 6,000 known species of frogs in this world of ours, and every single one of them is an amphibious wonder to behold. In particular, the brightly colored poison dart frogs of the Amazon and other regions are particularly impressive and really demonstrate the full glory of nature. The oldest fossil of a frog dates back more than 200 million years; this rugged and leathery proto-frog was no-doubt the very creature that first set humanity on the path of evolution that led us from the gelatinous primordial ooze to where we are today. I’m sure it would apologize if it could.
Picturing a frog driving the 2020 Ford EcoSport is patently ridiculous, and I won’t have you besmirching the good name of our amphibious friends with such an idea. A grand army of frogs, on the other hand, working together in unison to operate this exciting new SUV is something worthy of consideration. Such a feat would require substantial time and expense, but the end result would be well worth it and demonstrate that Ford is a motor company with an eye toward the future and a foot in the swamp.
I can hardly think of a more fitting tribute to the complexity and ingenuity of the 2020 Ford EcoSport, than the handsome, domesticated guinea pig. It’s important to note that the German word for “guinea pig” is “meerschweinchen,” which literally translates as “little sea pig.” Take a moment to appreciate that: little sea pig. It’s derived from the Middle High German word for “dolphin,” likely because the sounds made by guinea pigs reminded them of the noises dolphins make.
Now, close your eyes, and take a moment to picture a guinea pig, a little sea pig, driving the 2020 Ford EcoSport. No, I don’t mean a squealing, gesticulating drove of sea pigs, but a single, massive guinea pig, grown beyond all conceivable proportions at the wheel. Imagine this glorious, oceanic swine commanding the road before him with grace and elegance, his proud ancestors looking on as the inimitable road hog takes the wheel and plots a course for lands unknown. When will we get such bold, long-overdue advertising Ford, when?
Brazilian porcupines are remarkable creatures with powerful curved claws and powerful, prehensile tails that are nearly as long as the rest of their bodies. They spend most of their time in the canopy of trees, much like a squirrel but covered in sharp quills and with the wry sensibility of an elderly English gentleman. Of particular note with the Brazilian porcupine is its robust and highly boop-able snoot, or snout, which makes them look less menacing than your standard porcupine and more like a prickly pillow you want to snuggle with.
That being said, surely, they were destined to be the new face of the 2020 Ford EcoSport ad campaign. With their dark, soulful eyes, and prodigious noses, there’s no denying that a commercial showcasing a small prickle of Brazilian porcupines working the impressive Infotainment system of the EcoSport would be quite successful. For the record: yes, a group of porcupines is called a “prickle,” you’re welcome.
If the 2020 Ford EcoSport was not designed, specifically, with sloths in mind, then I know nothing about the automotive industry or vehicular engineering. These remarkable creatures are among the slowest and most deliberate of creatures in the entire world––acting with a shrewd cunning based on careful consideration. While it’s true that they can move remarkably fast when you’re not looking at them, they’ve also mastered the ability of standing so incredibly still that they become invisible to the eye.
A single sloth is all that’s needed here. Save your humble slowness of sloths for another advertising campaign. Just give me one sloth––two-toed or three-toed, I don’t care––and put him behind the wheel of the EcoSport. Then just stand back, roll cameras, and let the magic happen. Picturing that timid beauty with the wind in his fur makes me ready to buy a Ford right damn now!
Known as the happiest animals in the world, the pudgy, smiling faces of quokkas would be sure to light up any advertisements for the 2020 Ford EcoSport. Just… Just look at them! They’re always smiling and happy looking. If I see that in a car commercial, I’m buying that car. Plain and simple.
Ford, figure this out: show me a troop of quokkas driving a fleet of EcoSports, and you’ll have my money. I don’t have any money, I don’t get paid to be here, but if I did, you’d have it. I’ll give you someone else’s money, whatever. Just show me quokkas driving EcoSports! I need it.
Editor’s Note: They’re so cute! Boop.