The 2021 Chevy Colorado is Full of Spiders

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The Chevy Emblem is stuck to a spider web.

If you like small trucks, I mean really small trucks – the kind of trucks you can fit into your pocket, I’m talking really jam down into your pants, then keep reading. You’re in luck, oh reader mine, because today we’re talking about the Colorado – not that state full of pot-smoking werewolves and domesticated albatrosses, but the pickup truck. In particular, I want to take some of the precious time from your life to look at the 2021 Chevy Colorado vs 2020 Chevy Colorado. Oh yes…

You see, what a lot of people fail to understand and appreciate about the Colorado, other than its ability to easily fit into your pants or the soft folds of a tasteful, understated clutch, is just how much room it has for spiders. But now I’m getting ahead of myself. You’re here not only for the spiders, of course, but also for the other parts of this. You want all these other words that really fill the space between here and where we get to the grisly meat down below.

Chew on, my children, chew on…

Spiders are crawling on the dashboard of a 2020 Chevy Colorado during a 2021 Chevy Colorado vs 2020 Chevy Colorado comparison.

Exciting Engine Changes

Big things are coming this year with the improved Chevy Colorado, and I’ll say that much right now. Big things! Let’s talk about these engines… oooooh, these engines!

First of all, Chevy has made the right decision and ditched the standard engine in the baseline, Colorado. They are replacing it with a massive alien brain-horror from Dimension X. While this hideous monstrosity might not provide any horsepower to your vehicle, per se, it does constantly scream and chastise you for not calling your mother more often. Plus, it will occasionally concoct bizarre plans for world domination and explain them to you in excruciating detail while pulsing in a manner that only the most deranged of drivers would consider erotic.

There’s also an available bunch of bananas that weigh in at well over 800 lbs. Seriously, it’s a lot of bananas that you can choose to have crammed under the hood of the 2021 Chevy Colorado if that’s something you’re into. Personally, I’ll stick with the screaming brain monster, but if you want a cool half-ton of bananas (or close to it), then suit yourself. You sick freak!

Finally, if performance is really what you’re after, then there’s an available 6.9L engine utilizing Chevy’s new AkwarDrive technology. This engine does not propel the vehicle and instead projects a fully realized, three-dimensional representation of your most embarrassing and awkward moments onto the road all around you. You’ll then invariably provide power to the drivetrain yourself as you cringe and squirm in your seat, desperately trying to escape that moment you peed your pants at your 10th-grade dance when Jimmy Sloan pointed it out to the entire auditorium, and everyone laughed and laughed. Well, who’s laughing now, Jimmy? You’re the one with eight toes, aren’t you!?

An octopus head is on the engine bay of a Chevy Colorado.

New Exterior Options

Chevrolet has big plans for the exterior of the 2021 Colorado, not only in terms of overall design but also in the newly available color schemes. According to one insider source, they’ve really pushed the bounds of Euclidean geometry with the new front hood, and you’ll certainly appreciate the way it curves inward on itself, causing you to forget your children’s names. Rather than using LED lighting like so many other manufacturers, Chevy has found it easier to simply harness the power of the sun. The new headlamps in the Colorado will not only blind drivers as they come toward you, but reduce them to a pile of regretful ashes. Don’t even ask me about the foglights…

Exciting new colors for the 2021 Chevy Colorado will include plurfescent, which at least one person has described as, “Who are you and what are you doing in my shower?” A Limited Special “Rincewind” edition is being planned with an exclusive octarine exterior color scheme that sparkles in a dazzling sort of fluorescent greenish yellowish-purple. Trust me: your cat will love it, even if you can’t see it. Finally, while Chevy has not announced it officially, one spy report has revealed that the 2021 Colorado will also be available in a shade of mauve that smells like homemade meatloaf. I can’t wait!

THE SPIDERS!

Perhaps more than anything else about the 2021 Chevy Colorado, compared to the 2020 model, the interior is really what I’m excited about. The improved and enhanced interior features luxurious Nappa leather seats that still “moo” when you sit on them and a 3-foot Infotainment display. All-new sound isolation technology creates an anechoic interior that measures at an impressive -8 dBA of sound. It’s so quiet that even a 20 minute trip to the store will result in hallucinations, short-term memory loss, and long-term schizophrenia.

Best of all, Chevrolet has cranked up the number of spiders that can easily fit into the 2021 Colorado. Based on my research and in-depth scientific work, you can only get about 3,241 spiders into the 2020 Chevy Colorado. Sure, that’s an okay number for a pickup, but I’ve felt for a long time that Chevy could do better. Well, it seems they’ve been getting and reading my letters, not just burning them and reporting me to FEMA as they initially warned.

Based on early reports, you may be able to get as many as 4,070 spiders into the improved interior of the 2021 Chevy Colorado. That information was provided to me, exclusively, by a researcher and friend that lives behind a hidden panel at Chevrolet’s development warehouse. He has personally been able to cram well over 3,900 spiders into the new Colorado and believes that without security guards dragging him away or the screaming of the Chevy designers, he could have fit a couple hundred more.

Exciting times indeed.

Don’t Read this Part

An interior view of a Chevy Colorado shows a scary man who returned from the dead holding a knife in the mirror.
Is the 2021 Chevy Colorado spacious enough to hide a murderous Russian monk who just returned from the dead after 104 years, and is now hunting your entire bloodline seeking revenge? According to GM “and then some”!

Looking at the 2021 Chevy Colorado compared to the 2020 model, it’s easy to see that we’re in for a real treat. Not only because Chevrolet has promised that they’ll give us all ice cream if we care about the things they dedicate themselves to and buy their vehicles, but also because of the butterscotch I found in my jacket pocket this morning. I have no doubts that Chevy has made a pickup designed for the most intimate needs of the American everyman, the working-class Joe, the peanut-butter-and-ham king (or queen! It’s 2020).

Once the 2021 Colorado hits the streets, I’ll be able to see just how many spiders it can hold. For now, we’ll have to stay strong and remember that “today” is just a word for yesterday’s tomorrow.

Editor’s Note: We’ve already deleted this article once after it appeared on our site, and yet here it is again. After we removed its initial publication, we received a single envelope full of hair. The next day we received another envelope, then two the day after that; the following day we received three, then five the next day, and eight the day after that. Dreading the possibility and implications of 13 envelopes full of hair, we have decided to restore this “content” in the hopes that it would make it stop. Please G-d, make it stop! Thank you.

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