“Consequence-Free Sex”.
Isn’t that refreshing, in a world of clickbait articles? Leave it to The Lemon to cut right to the chase and give you the answer that you already know, leaving us to question why you would bother to open the article at all. That said, we can only assume you’re now wondering what the #2 Thing is that Men Look For in a Woman, especially when it comes to dating apps like Tinder.
Dating apps have revolutionized social interaction, be it short or long-term. They have empowered a whole new generation to meet new people, arrange last-minute dates, score expectation-free hookups and (maybe?) to find love. But what gets a guy to swipe right on your profile? It may not be what you think it is.
If you guessed “owning a 2019 Toyota RAV4” well, you might be the weird Asian woman with the awkward facial expression who my work-buddy swiped left on a few weeks ago. She boasted that RAV4 like it was going to ‘seal the deal’ or something. It was almost like she used that as leverage against suitors to ween out the losers. Someone gets too excited about her RAV4, and she’s like, “Not so fast, Scooter. The RAV4’s for closers.”
Okay, fine, I have no clue why she was determined to spotlight her fairly average crossover as a reason people might want to date her. But then again, I’m no expert on Tinder tactics. As a 40-year old father in a monogamous relationship, I spent more than a few years baffled by the swipe-right phenomenon. Granted, the process is really no different than approaching someone in a bar or social gathering, since both instances require you to judge someone solely on (i) physical attraction and (ii) a modicum of information. HOWEVER, this time your finger does all the work. And who doesn’t like a good digital finger-bang?
But men on Tinder aren’t looking for a finger-bang. I mean, a good bean-flicking isn’t out of the question (we’re not Neanderthals) but, what we really want, is to know is (i) Do you keep Pizza Bagel Bites in your freezer? And (ii) are you willing to prepare said Pizza Bagel Bites after we take the pepperoni bus to pound town? These are the facts that should be emblazoned on a Tinder profile, these are the facts people need.
Forget your body insecurities and lingering daddy issues. Disregard the fact that you didn’t pick up your room. Stop worrying about the way your credit score suffers from your Amazon Prime addiction. We’re even willing to turn a blind eye to what could either be razor burn or a communicable rash. If you are willing to prepare delicious mini pizza sammiches on toasted bagels post-coitus, you owe it to the future of humanity to swipe right. Not because we’re looking to procreate, but because this world is currently so divided that we need sex and melted mozzarella cheese (in no particular order) to hold society together.
God, woman…think of the future.
