A wise man once said to me, “There are three things you should always do before you buy a car: you should kick its tires, you should check where it was parked for leaks, and you should know how many dead bodies it can fit.” Those are the kind of words I live by, not only as a professional writer and researcher of humanity but as a person. So if you’re interested in buying a new or used Cadillac SUV, you damn-well better take these words to heart before making a purchase.
But you all know me as a kind and helpful person, and you know that due in large part to the lies I tell and the clever way I’ve learned to mimic and reflect human emotion. In keeping with this image, I’m going to help you out today and give you everything you need in order to know which Cadillac SUV is right for you. Now I don’t have all the time in the world to search through specs on different used Cadillac SUVs, so we’re going to stick with the new models for simplicity’s sake. But, by the end of this, you’ll know which one has the kind of corpse capacity you need in the hellish nightmare-world that has become our existence.
The Bateman Dead-Hooker Scale
As a man of science, I believe that if you’re going to compare things, then it’s imperative that you have and utilize the right standard of measurement. If you’re trying to compare the work that two different engines can perform, then you look at horsepower and torque. If you want to know how many sausages a vehicle can fit inside it, you will refer to the Standard Imperial Sausage Association (SISA) standards and metrics for sausage size. And if you’re trying to determine which Cadillac SUV can hold the most human corpses in it, then you need to use the Bateman Dead-Hooker Scale (BDHS).
I’m going with the BDHS 2012 Standards (3rd Revision) as it’s the latest edition that I have handy, and I believe the 2020 standards have been delayed until next year due to “these uncertain times.” Just in case you don’t have your own copy of the BDHS standards within reach, I’ll briefly review how these standards were determined.
What I’m most interested in is the volume of a dead hooker’s body, so that we can determine how many of them you can cram into your Cadillac SUV. Determining volume for a human body is not all that difficult. Volume is equal to the mass of something divided by its density. We know that the average density of a human body is 8.3 lbs/gal – so all we need is a person’s mass to determine their volume.
The average weight of an adult woman (adult, of course, what kind of sick freak do you take me for!?) in the US is 170 lbs. Using this information and looking at the BDHS Standards tables on page 134 and 135, we can see that gives us about 20.5 gallons or about 2.75 cu.ft. of volume. Of course, that’s looking at the “Healthy Female” column. To get a more accurate number, we’ll look in the “Addict” column, which uses a weight of 142 lbs; this gives us about 17 gallons or 2.28 cu.ft. of volume.
Don’t worry; all this math is about to be very useful…
One Note about Accuracy
Before we go any further, I don’t want to hear any complaints about “But that’s just overall volume, it doesn’t take into account body shape – or length and width.” Yes, I know that. But we’re going to assume that you’re not worried about the comfort of your deceased passengers and you’re therefore looking to just get them crammed in as efficiently as possible. Whether you’re dealing with elderly family members that couldn’t afford a hospital stay or your female companion on a Saturday when things just got “carried away,” you’ll be able to fit them in these Cadillac SUVs just fine.
The 2020 Cadillac XT4
Spoiler alert: if you want to get the most dead hookers (or other types of dead bodies, I don’t judge) into a Cadillac SUV, the largest model will give you the best results. That being said, let’s still take the time to really see what each one has to offer, so we can have a fully-informed opinion as we judge this. Good? Good.
The Cadillac XT4 is a two-row compact or subcompact crossover SUV (depending on who you ask), so I’m not expecting to be able to pack too many bodies into this thing. According to Cadillac, it has 22.5 cu.ft. of space behind the second row of seats, and a total of 48.9 cu.ft. of cargo volume behind the front row. Which means:
- 9.8 dead hookers behind the second row
- 21.45 dead hookers behind the front row
Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m not interested in just being able to get part of a body into my Cadillac SUV, so let’s round these numbers down. Also, don’t ask about the front seat – I assume you’ll have a duffel bag or maybe a “special friend” riding shotgun with you. So what we really get is:
- 9 dead hookers behind the second row
- 21 dead hookers behind the front row
The 2020 Cadillac XT5
Next up, we have the 2020 Cadillac XT5, which is a compact crossover SUV, and it’s quite a bit bigger than the XT4. Does that mean it will be able to fit more bodies into it? Of course, it does! The XT5 has 30.2 cu.ft. of storage area behind the second row of seats and a total of 63 cu.ft. of cargo volume behind the front seats. That means:
- 13 dead hookers behind the second row
- 27 dead hookers behind the front row
Those are pretty decent numbers and about as good as it gets if you don’t have a lot of room for a midsize or large Cadillac SUV in your life.
The 2020 Cadillac XT6
Now we move onto a much better option for some serious, but still fairly casual, dead-hooker disposal. The 2020 Cadillac XT6 is a three-row midsize SUV that gives you seating for seven (living people) and a good amount of cargo capacity. According to Cadillac, the XT6 has just 12.6 cu.ft. of cargo area behind the third row of seats, with 43.1 cu.ft. of space behind the second row, and an impressive 78.7 cu.ft. of total cargo volume behind the front row. So:
- 5 dead hookers behind the third row
- 18 dead hookers behind the second row
- 34 dead hookers behind the front row
What we see here is that the XT6 is a very poor choice if you want to cram your dead hookers behind the third-row seating, but otherwise a fine option for overall corpse capacity.
The 2020 Cadillac Escalade
Folks, I’m excited about this one! The Cadillac Escalade is the premier American, large, luxury SUV and I expect it to be an excellent choice for disposing of dead hookers. All those celebrities and millionaires must know something the rest of us don’t! The 2020 Escalade has 15.2 cu.ft. of storage behind the third row, 51.6 cu.ft. behind the second row of seats, and 94.2 cu.ft. of total cargo volume. This means:
- 6 dead hookers behind the third row
- 22 dead hookers behind the second row
- 41 dead hookers behind the front row
Excellent results overall. Though, surprisingly, only slightly more room in the very back than the Cadillac XT6.
The 2020 Cadillac Escalade ESV
Finally, we have the 2020 Cadillac Escalade ESV, the largest and most impressive SUV in Cadillac’s modern lineup. I can’t imagine a more respectful, luxurious way for your dearly departed prostitutes to be taken to the cold, shallow grave you’ve undoubtedly prepared for them. Cadillac says the Escalade ESV offers a massive 39.3 cu.ft. of cargo area behind the third row, 76.7 cu.ft. of space behind the second row of seating, and up to 120.9 cu.ft. behind the front seats. That gives you:
Cadillac Escalade ESV
- 17 dead hookers behind the third row!
- 33 dead hookers behind the second row!
- 53 dead hookers behind the front row!
Superb! You want to talk about an SUV made for the weekend; this is clearly it.
There you have it, folks, the numbers don’t lie. The 2020 Cadillac Escalade ESV is the SUV to choose for optimal dead hooker carry-out service. Though if you just have a handful of dead hookers that you want to pack-in behind the third-row seating, then any of these fine Cadillac SUVs will do. In fact, something like the XT4 or XT5 is one of your best options for that.
Editor’s Note: We’re sorry. Thank you.