While it’s inevitable that some poor schmuck with inarguably weak judgment is shopping for used Ford trucks right now, the automaker seems to be developing an entirely new customer base in the crossover segment. And while it was previously referred to (albeit unofficially) as the ‘Baby Bronco’, Ford has revealed that they have finally decided upon a name for their new off-road inspired crossover.
“Take the phrase ‘off-road inspired’ with a grain of salt,” explains Jim Hackett, the elusive CEO of Ford Motor Company and aspiring internet troll. “I mean, after all, it’s a Ford, right? Besides…if we were going to serve up something really badass, we probably wouldn’t let anyone call it the ‘Baby Bronco’ right?”
This, of course, raises two questions: first, what is the name of this exciting new offering from Ford? And second, what exactly is the vehicle’s target demographic? We’ll get to the former in just a bit but, according to Jim Hackett, the target demographic is “Basic Bitch Insta-skanks, aged 18-25, with an interest in rural cultural trends”.
“According to our research,” he explains, “Ford has made powerful in-roads with that particular group since they’ve been force-fed modern country music to a point that they think they’re ‘country.’ They’ve grown up on a steady diet of trite, rapey lyrics and the belief that true love comes on a mud-covered trail, even if it’s with a broken winch. In other words, since the age of eleven, they’ve been ripe for the picking by prematurely bearded and flannel-clad wannabe mechanics with ‘project trucks’ (and who might be able to score some sweet-ass tickets to check out Florida Georgia Line). Needless to say, they’re going to need a way to get to that concert, right? Enter our new crossover.”
So, what about its name? Some reports indicate that it will be called the Bronco Sport. And while that’s certainly backed up by trademark filings from earlier this year, others filed at the same time include the Bronco Scout, Bronco Outer Banks and even Bronco Big Bend but – let’s be honest – those all sound #StupidAF. So how did Ford go about making their actual choice?
“Well,” explains Hackett, with an almost-mischievous twinkle in his eye, “What better way to choose the perfect name, than to involve the target consumer base. Am I right? Well, another thing these girls have grown up with is a rabid love of MTV’s program ‘Teen Mom.’ So, we took a poll of teenage moms across the rural southeast to ensure that we were getting the best possible cross-section of names to expand the Bronco nameplate with.”
And while Hackett wouldn’t confirm the actual name which had been chosen, he did make it clear that it was included somewhere in the following list of potential monikers:
- Ford Bronco Aliviyah
- Ford Bronco Kaizley
- Ford Bronco Baby Girl
- Ford Bronco Heaven-Lee
- Ford Bronco Panthy
- Ford Bronco Ah-Miracle
- Ford Bronco ‘Merica
- Ford Bronco Melanomia
- Ford Bronco I’Munique
- Ford Bronco C’Andree (pronounced ‘See-Andre’)
- Ford Bronco Appaloosa
- Ford Bronco Janice
- Ford Bronco Phelony
- Ford Bronco Mhavryck
- Ford Bronco Elizabreth
- Ford Bronco Harley Quinn
While we’d be inclined to go with ‘Merica or Mhavryck, let’s be honest….those bitches be trippin’. We might all be off-roading in the Ford Bronco C’Andree.