5 Predictions About the Chevy Blazer EV

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A crystal ball is shown in front of a splash of lava showing predictions about the 2023 Chevy Blazer EV.

Although there’s a fair amount of excitement about the 2023 Chevy Blazer, which is getting a nice update and refresh, I don’t care about that. Sure the restyled grille and front fascia look nice, and there are new colors available, but what I’m more interested in is the upcoming Chevy Blazer EV. Chevy’s been talking a big game about going all-electric in the decades to come for several years now, and they’re finally starting to deliver on that message.

In order to get a sense of what we should expect, I’m going to take you through some of my predictions about what we’ll get with the Chevy Blazer EV model. This is all based on my inside sources deep within the walls of GM’s impenetrable and well-fortified corporate compound, so you can trust all of this information. I’m not here to score cheap points by taking shots at Chevy or to make basic guesses that anyone could make – no, this is the inside scoop!

Prediction #1: It Might Come Out Next Year

Right now, according to my sources, Chevy is aiming for a launch of the all-new, all-electric Blazer EV next year. I know what you’re thinking, “So why did you say ‘might’ then?” First of all, shut up; second of all, that’s because the epic microchip shortage going on could push this back even further. Some of my sources have mentioned murmurs about a 2024 launch or even going all out and releasing it as a 2033 model and using the extra time to actually make it good.

Prediction #2: It Will Use the Ultium Platform

If you’re a fan of GM’s push for an all-electric lineup (and who isn’t?), then you’ve likely heard a great deal about the Ultium EV platform they’ve been developing for years now. According to my inside sources at GM, the Blazer EV, whenever it does come out, will utilize this exciting new architecture and show us something we’ve never seen before. By which I mean a Chevy SUV designed for all-electric performance on this new platform––assuming it comes out before the Equinox EV, which is also slated for next year. I know Chevy’s website and press releases about the Blazer EV have all mentioned the Ultium platform, but remember that you read it here first––still counts!

Prediction #3: It Will Light Itself on Fire

The Chevy Blaze EV will light itself on fire. Repeatedly.

Prediction #4: It Will be Overpriced

Since Chevy hasn’t announced any details on the pricing for the Blazer EV, how can I say it will be overpriced? Good question. Here are three reasons why:

  1. It’s a new vehicle.
  2. It’s an EV model.
  3. It’s a new EV.

Those three things should more than provide sufficient evidence for my prediction because all new vehicles are overpriced, all EVs are overpriced, and all-new EVs, even more so. But hey, you can get a tax rebate, right? That’s worth it. Why sell a vehicle for an affordable price when you can leverage the awesome buying power of the federal government and the IRS to help your customers pay for their vehicles!?

Prediction #5: It Won’t Convince Anyone to Go EV

No matter what it does, it’s not going to change any minds about switching from a conventional engine to an EV model. I don’t care how much range it has, how quickly it charges, or what other flashy features it might introduce––die-hard internal-combustion engine fans are going to dig in their heels and refuse to switch to an EV model. Until Jesus Christ himself shows up driving one of these, the ignorant, hateful, suicidal masses clinging to their gas-guzzling, planet-destroying monstrous full-size SUVs will keep doing what they’re doing. Wait, did I type that last part or just think it? Can you read this? Whatever, it’s fine.

Editor’s Note: We’ve started an office pool to see how many of these predictions come true and which ones specifically. If this releases in 2028, catches on fire, and is driven by Jesus Christ, then I’m going to win a cool $50! Thank you.

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