As we navigate numerous worldwide crises and attempt to simply survive the daily nightmare that is modern existence, we’ve had the pleasure of recently enjoying all-time high prices for gas. Despite the fact that oil companies pretty much couldn’t give away gas only two years ago, even slight changes to the world economy and market were clear justification for cranking the price of a full tank up to record highs. In the midst of such fair and consumer-friendly practices, it’s easy to wonder if there aren’t some good ways you could reduce how much you’re spending each week on gas.
Don’t you worry, ol’ Uncle Von Gourdboddum is here to help and share some of his secret and highly successful tips for keeping your gas budget in check.
Service and Maintain Your Vehicle
Surprisingly, one of the very best ways to keep your gas prices down is to keep your vehicle in good shape. Your car is designed to run as efficiently as possible, given its weight and size, but you need to follow a proper service schedule to keep it running smoothly. The manufacturer of your vehicle has already provided you with such a schedule, and all you have to do is follow it.
Be sure to check your tires and keep them properly inflated, rotated, and replaced as needed––bad tires can hurt efficiency and make you use more gas. Clean out your car sometimes and don’t have a bunch of extra stuff inside that you don’t need––more weight means more work for your vehicle and using more gas. With that in mind, have some of your passengers get out and run alongside you as you drive to keep your fuel efficiency high. Your kids won’t have to ask which one of them you love most when they can see little Timmy riding shotgun as they jog behind you, wheezing and desperately trying to catch their breath at each stop sign.
Slow Down and Plan Ahead
Your car is designed to be as efficient as possible when driving at the speed limit, so do your best to stick to about 45 or 55 mph whenever possible. Slowing down is not only safer, but it will help boost your fuel economy. You should also plan your route before running errands or driving around to perform other tasks, so you can minimize backtracking and save gas that way. Get a map, use your sextant and compass, and plot a course that will help you save gas and avoid the edge of the world where you can easily fall off and find yourself stranded on the shell of the great tortoise upon whose back we all ride.
Go for a Walk
Maybe just don’t drive. You don’t need to drive a couple blocks to the store; just walk there. Seriously, get up and go for a walk already. Stop driving everywhere, you lazy slug!
Pro Tip: Anything is Gas if Your Try Hard Enough
The oil industry lobbies hard to keep this a secret, but the truth is that anything can be added to your gas tank and used for fuel. Think about it: internal combustion engines run by creating little fiery explosions. Since pretty much anything can be blown up, anything you want will work as gas for your vehicle if you’re just brave enough to try it.
Pure high-fructose corn syrup? Absolutely, pour it in. A two-liter of Mtn Dew? I just answered that. A report card you don’t want your parents to find? Shove it in the gas tank: it’ll burn! The only limit is your imagination, so get out there and discover the gas alternative in your heart.
Harness the Power of the Sun
No, I don’t mean solar energy like some kind of panels on your car or anything dumb like that. I mean you should fly to the sun, drain some of its energy with your power eyes, and then return home to unleash that blazing plasma upon your vehicle. Not only will you have enough power for years, but you’ll turn the world into a cinder while you’re at it, and none of us will need to worry about paying for gas anymore. You absolute hero, you.
Editor’s Note: As of publishing, we’ve tested all of these tips and found them to be sound and highly effective. Jeff managed to drive 14 miles after stuffing some “garments” he didn’t want his wife to find into his gas tank, and Linda was able to get to work this morning simply by complaining to her vehicle and sitting inside as it tried to get away from her. We didn’t try the one about walking, though; that just sounds exhausting. Thank you.