Don’t listen to what anyone else tells you – shopping for a used car is easy. All you do is head to your favorite used car lot, tell them what you want to drive, what you’re willing to pay, and watch them grovel to meet your needs. “Yes, sir, Mr. Von Gourdboddum,” they’ll say as they do everything they can to secure your money and the acclaim that comes with it.
At least, that’s how it works for me. The rest of you are on your own, and when you’re shopping for a vehicle, you might have a hard time choosing the right one since you’re not as amazing as I am. The Chevy Equinox is a small crossover SUV that some people drive because they have nothing better to do with their lives. I recently spoke to a number of people to find out why they’re driving the Equinox; their answers were enlightening.
Reason #1 – Poor Decision-Making Skills
One very forthcoming person I talked to, who wished to keep her identity private, explained it this way to me. “I had just spent a few hundred dollars on instant-win scratch lottery tickets when I approached the used car lot. A few months prior to this, I had accepted a large number of private loans for financial aid as a student and signed up at a technical college that’s not accredited. So I was feeling pretty good about myself when I saw the Chevy Equinox, and I just knew it was the perfect vehicle for me. Bought it there and then, paid 10% above asking price!”
This and many stories like it are all-too-common among Equinox drivers.
Reason #2 – It was There
A fellow I spoke to had this story to relay. “My buddy Tommy and me were walking down the street, it was late, and our feet were tired. So we wanted a ride to get us to my girl’s place cause she’d invited a friend over to meet Tommy. We’re looking at cars, and all the ones we saw looked pretty nice, and we were worried they’d be reported stolen right away. Then we saw this Chevy Equinox, right? We just knew it was the one; no one was going to miss that thing. It’s been two years – never reported stolen.”
This likely explains the low theft rates for the Equinox.
Reason #3 – Inattention to Details
I talked to a man named Jimmy Sloan, and he had this to say on the subject. “I wasn’t paying enough attention, and I… I thought it was the Chevy Blazer. When I got it home, my wife took one look at it and just walked away in silence. She left me two days later.”
This tragedy plays out in America every day.
Reason #4 – An Old Gypsy Woman Cursed Me
Perhaps the most compelling story came from another woman who insisted she remain strictly anonymous when she told me her tale. “I was walking down the street one day, minding my business, on my way back to work after lunch. I had my earbuds in and was listening to my favorite song, so I think I closed my eyes when it got to the chorus, and I wasn’t watching where I was going. That’s when I stepped on some old lady’s foot. She got all upset and started spitting at me, but I wasn’t about to apologize.
“Next thing I know, she bit her thumb and shook it at me saying, ‘Now zat I must limp as I valk to ze deli to buy my sliced oven-gold turkey breast, you TOO must limp along in life with a paltry 170 hp 1.5L engine. Forevaaaaaah!!’ There was a flash of lightning and the roar of thunder, which was weird because it was sunny that day. She disappeared, and I’ve been driving this shitty Equinox ever since.”
Proof that there are, indeed, some among us truly cursed.
Editor’s Note: We reached out to the old gypsy woman for comment, but all she sent us were some dried chicken bones and a cow’s heart wrapped in wire. If someone you know suffers from Chevy Equinox try not to laugh at them in their company, don’t take any financial or relationship advice they offer, and have them contact the Offices of Tadd Disingenuous, Attorney at Law today for a free consultation. Thank you.
