In recent years, everyone seems worried about the Russians. From election hacking to the third season of ‘Stranger Things,’ we seem to be revisiting the kind of cold war paranoia that hasn’t been felt since the earliest days of the 1990s. But what about the Germans? Live auto news headlines have warned us repeatedly about their attacks on the environment, thanks to the V.W. Group’s emissions cheating scandals. And now, the internet seems to have stumbled across the Bavarians’ most anti-humanitarian scheme yet.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’re probably well aware of the past week’s internet activity centered around a fictional rush on Area 51.
Echoed across a seemingly unending barrage of memes and social media content, the implication is that hordes of millennial and elder Gen-Zer’s plan to swarm the iconic southern Nevada military base in droves, forcing the reveal of any covert and/or extraterrestrial agendas that might have been covered up to date.
Gaining momentum behind the battle cry “They can’t stop us all!” younger Americans have rarely seemed so alive, united or motivated. I mean, sure, there was the whole ‘Africa’ by Toto movement of 2018 (brought, thankfully, to a close-by Gen-X rock legends, and secret U.S. Government operatives, Weezer) but the rumored ‘Siege of A51’ feels far more ambitious.
Between hydro flask manufacturer, Camelbak reporting difficulty in maintaining their inventory levels amidst an influx of Amazon Prime demands, to over 100,000 mothers requesting paid time off from employers in order to drive their unlicensed adult ‘roommates’ to the desert.
Which makes it curious that VW-owned automaker Audi recently released their brand-new limited-edition (and coincidentally named) ‘A51’ crossover, with seating for 8. Reportedly, the vehicle had been rushed into production in recent months, almost as if they knew what was coming. And, according to the U.K.’s Daily Mirror Audi’s digital marketing strategy has been aimed specifically at “Americans over the age of 40, with dependent adult children.” That marketing strategy appears to be successful, with over 50,000 units sold to date. And frighteningly, most of those sales overlap with the aforementioned PTO requests, revealing a clear pattern. As a result, it has been posited that the Germans are secretly behind the planned siege and are either (a) looking to prompt the wholesale slaughter of young Americans, or (b) planning to use said young adults as a means of releasing whatever secrets have been held at Area 51, diminishing public confidence in the American government in time for the 2020 Presidential Race.
But one can’t help but wonder if we’re asking the right questions. Maybe the intended goals of the Germans are less pedestrian. Perhaps this is simply part of a long game, and we’ve failed to recognize that Germans represent an extraterrestrial threat of their own.
I mean, have you ever met a German? If you have, you’re probably aware that they’re unique, to say the least. Sometimes, it’s almost like talking to aliens. Plus, rewind a few decades, and you might recall U.S. scrutiny over their tight-legged pants, Euro-trash ponytails, and love of mind-numbing techno music. If you’re not noticing the parallel with today’s leggings, man-buns, and EDM, you must be blind. Germans have clearly been infiltrating American culture for some time, and it’s entirely likely that they’re using our youth to free their fellow aliens so that they can acquire dominion over all humanity.
What do you think? Are the Germans actually aliens? Are they behind the planned rushing of Area 51? What is the true nature and scope of their agenda? Did someone slip something in my coffee? Am I tripping balls? Inquiring minds want to know.