Santa Claus will not be coming to town in 2019. While we primarily focus on live auto news, The Lemon has received exclusive intel that Santa Claus, the creator of “Christmas,” has passed away. Mr. Claus was 1,469 years old.
Shockingly, the jolly fat man did not pass away from old age nor diabetes. Rather, Mr. Claus passed away last week after racing through the North Pole in his brand-new 2019 Chevy Camaro.
Police reports confirm the accident, noting that they received a call from witnesses at around 1:30 am about an overturned car in the middle of a snowy road. The elves who came across the wreckage also noted that they found broken bottles of vodka littered around the scene of the crash.
“This was clearly a drinking-and-driving scenario,” Nark the Elf told The Lemon. “Considering the majority of the residents in the North Pole aren’t tall enough to operate a vehicle, we could easily assume who the victim was.”
Interestingly enough, the local police (which are led by a squad of reindeer) refuse to acknowledge that Santa died due to a drinking-and-driving accident. The police did confirm that Mr. Claus indeed passed away, but they decided to attribute the crash to icy road conditions.
“We saw no evidence that Mr. Claus was drinking nor was intoxicated at the time of the crash,” Donner the Reindeer told us. “We’re still awaiting the toxicology results, but we’re confident that this was simply a horrible accident.”
When asked about reports of broken alcohol bottles surrounding the overturned car, Donner refused to answer the question.
Is this the start of a conspiracy, perhaps? Some seem to think so. Shouty the Elf, who had worked in Santa’s workshop for more than eight centuries, provided some insight into his boss’s drinking habits.
“THE CHRISTMAS SEASON WAS BASICALLY OVER, AND MR. CLAUS ALWAYS ENJOYED TAKING JOY RIDES IN THE CARS THAT DIDN’T MAKE IT OUT OF OUR WORKSHOP,” Shouty told us. “WHEN SANTA WAS CONFIDENT THAT EVERYTHING WAS READY FOR CHRISTMAS, HE’D BEGIN HIS TWO-MONTH DRINKING BINGE. IT’S JUST SOMETHING WE ALL GOT USED TO.”
According to reports obtained by The Lemon, this wasn’t the first time that Santa was connected to drinking-and-driving. Back in 1985, Mr. Claus was pulled over in early January, and the police reports indicate that he was only cited for speeding. However, our sources say that his car had at least five dozen beer cans littered around the cabin, and Santa was accompanied by a local transexual hooker named “Mandy.” The police report gave no mention of this mysterious woman, although they did say that Mrs. Claus was also in the vehicle at the time.
“The local police department had been trying to cover up Santa’s drinking habits for years,” Nark said. “We all knew it was getting out of hand, and we feared that he’d eventually harm someone. It’s a tragedy that he passed away, but we’re fortunate that no one else was hurt in the crash.”
Others still refuse to believe that Santa actually died.
“Santa loves tricks, and this is just another one of his performances,” Gullible the Elf told us. “I bet we’ll see him back in the workshop next week.”
Sources tell us that won’t be the case. Mrs. Claus has temporarily taken over many of Santa’s duties, and the team intends to steal a CEO from a major e-commerce company once they’ve had time to deal with Mr. Claus’ death.
Children around the world will surely be mourning over the death of their beloved Santa Claus. However, if these exclusive interviews are any indication, they should be counting their blessings that Santa didn’t crash his sleigh into their living room on Christmas Eve.
