A white 2019 Jeep Grand Cherokee and a Politician - Satire

Cambridge, MA – While Fiat-Chrysler of America has claimed that no show of political partiality was intended in their recent offer to provide transportation for recently re-elected Massachusetts senator Elizabeth Warren, pundits from both sides of the aisle are in an uproar. And while we don’t want to get ahead of ourselves, the fact that they offered up a fleet of 2019 Jeep Grand Cherokee, might not have been the best idea.

Warren, who was elected in 2012, has become a vocal advocate against inequality in all forms, as well as the excesses of Wall Street. Such actions have made her a favorite the liberal facets of the Democratic Party, however, she has also become an easy target due to many aspects of her life that are easily criticized as being “hypocritical”. And you’d have to be living under a rock to be unaware of her ‘heritage scandal’, which shed light on the inaccuracies of her claim of Native American heritage in her application for a Harvard Teaching job worth $350,000.

Setting aside outrage (on all sides) and a certain racially-charged nickname whose popularity was fueled by our President, Warren’s journey for the DNC nomination in 2020 will inevitably be littered with controversy. And that’s not just because she looks like a last-minute substitute for your 8th Grade Social Studies teacher. In fact, one assumes that she must be anticipating criticisms of her integrity, claims of cultural appropriation, and infinitely divisive opinions of her as heated (if not more) than those Hillary Clinton had weathered in 2016.

So, with Jeep’s very public offer removed from the table, the question becomes whether or not there are any models which Senator Warren could utilize, without incurring criticisms. With that goal, we’ve taken the liberty of assembling a crack team of easily triggered leftists to serve as a focus group, so we can workshop some ideas and see which crossover or SUV might be the best fit for her.

Ford kicks things off with the Edge, but the focus group claimed that name made them uneasy. Since the last thing we want to do is trigger anyone, we offered up the Flex as an alternative. Apparently, that conjured fears of toxic masculinity unparalleled since Planet Fitness has to offer a ‘No Lunk’ guarantee so that fatty’s could enjoy ‘pizza night’ at the gym.

Chevy serves up the Trax, but our group found that to have a negative connotation, linking the vehicle with ‘track-marks’, as found on intravenous drug addicts. Since all addicts are victims and suffer from a disease, their concern was that it would paint Warren as a victim.

The Dodge Durango was quickly shot down, because it sounded like “Django”, and no-one wanted Warren’s image to be aligned with racially charged content (especially since the senator herself is .00000078% African descent.

The Highlander was determined to be insensitive towards Scots. The Sequoia trivialized the breathtaking heritage of our natural trees. The Land Cruiser was too ‘rape-y’. The 4Runner could make overweight or physically inactive customers feel bad about themselves. The Murano seemed a “little too brown” for a blue wave. While the Pathfinder stirred long-dormant unrest among indigenous persons over the westward expansion of the 19th century. The Armada was too rigid.  No matter how many lists we went through, there were just no options that couldn’t  be misinterpreted by tunnel-minded consumers.

In the end, it was decided that our best bets were the RAV-4, CX-9 and the Rogue. The Rogue was squashed after it was decided that a cool nickname like “Maverick” did little to help Sarah Palin when she served as the running partner for the late John McCain.
We’re not sure if Senator Warren’s team would agree, but we think “alphanumeric” is the way to go.


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