Depending on whether you’re a car aficionado or a degenerate money-spending sex hound, you may have a different interpretation of “quick lube” than others.
Well, that’s the situation a Winchendon, Massachusetts man found himself in this week. Local Winchendon resident Richard D. Holder was arrested after an ordeal at a local car dealership, Uncle Jay’s Used Car Emporium. (Uncle Jay is often referred to as “Drunkle Jay” by many local residents, which might help explain some of the less than appropriate marketing strategies)
The business was offering customers half-off lube jobs, which includes basic maintenance on their vehicles. However, Mr. Holder had an entirely different interpretation of this promotion. According to police reports, the man entered the dealership on Friday morning. While he sat in the waiting room alone, he casually disrobed, much to the dismay of the young female receptionist. To make matters worse, Mr. Holder kept asking the woman when he’d receive his “tug,” as he had an important meeting to get to in the afternoon. Worse of all, the man wore a monkey mask throughout the entire ordeal.
Police arrived at the business and promptly arrested Mr. Holder, although the man claimed he did absolutely nothing wrong. The man pointed to the “quick lube” flyer he received in the mail, noting that the promo didn’t explicitly state that the service was intended for cars.
“My client saw an advertisement for a quick lube and assumed it pertained to some sexual act,” his lawyer, Ian Montgomery, told The Lemon. “False advertising is what led to this entire ordeal, and Mr. Holder can’t be held responsible for misinterpreting the coupon he received.”
When asked about the fact that Mr. Holder removed all of his clothes without being promoted, the lawyer simply asked: “Wouldn’t you have done the same?”
To further emphasize his client’s viewpoint, the lawyer pointed out that the dealership seemed to be suggesting that they offer a host of additional sexual services. He pointed to the business touting a “full load,” and he noted that all of the dealership’s inventory included notes about “roominess in the rear.”
“How was I supposed to know that these services pertained to cars?” asked Mr. Holder at a pre-trial hearing. “I kept reading information about a stroker and a dipstick… they were even advertising their master/slave cylinder specials. I’m not into any of that submissive, kinky stuff, but you can’t tell me that those terms aren’t sexual.”
The dealership predictably disagrees.
“Any idiot should recognize that these terms are about cars, not sexual acts,” said the dealership’s owner, Uncle Jay. “Believe it or not, our facility does not offer rub and tugs, and we’re solely focused on selling and servicing vehicles. If he really wanted his handbrake to be jerked around, he should have gone to Jiffy Lube.”
We quickly pointed out that “jerking around a handbrake” sounded like it applied more to a sexual act than a car service. Uncle Jay proceeded to call us idiots, and he told us only to return if we were looking for more rubbers or help with driving a stick
This isn’t the first time Uncle Jay’s Used Car Emporium has run into these kinds of problems. The dealership was previously in the news after releasing a front-page newspaper advertisement asking if anyone had ever “blown a tranny.” The promo invited customers to visit the dealership if they wanted to talk about the issue and get it fixed.
Many degenerates from around the Winchendon area visited the dealership in the next few days, with many asking if there was a remedy for their itchy STDs. Uncle Jay’s Used Car Emporium was forced to briefly close the dealership’s doors to avoid the impending news blast.
For the time being, Uncle Jay is going to continue using terms that he believes adequately describe his services. And Mr. Holder is going to continue misinterpreting innocent advertisements in pursuit of a legitimate “quick lube.”
“The saddest part is, I never got what I went there for,” Mr. Holder said. “I was promised a “quick lube,” and Uncle Jay’s Used Car Emporium never delivered. There has to be some justice here.”