In August of 2017, viewers around the world found themselves traumatized. While much of the credit goes to the sequence of cliffhangers that made up the Season 7 finale of Game of Thrones, it was compounded by the recent news that Season 8 would not air until sometime in 2019.
Sure, Jon Snow was revealed to be Aegon Targaryen, making the King of the North the true heir to the Iron Throne. Sure, this means that had accidentally committed incest by boning his Aunt Daenerys. And granted, the Night King and his army were shown conquering The Wall to Westeros with the help of Daenerys slain dragon Viserion, resurrected as a White Walker / Ice Dragon. But two years????
Now, 10 months later, many viewers have still refused to come out of their parent’s basement. Hell, many of them are still masturbating to the incest that they never knew they needed in their lives, but others have simply lost the ability (or at least, the desire) to reincorporate themselves into daily life.
But the automotive industry seemed ready to exploit this hiatus, by positioning their competing offerings in a manner that emulates the various contenders for the fictional Iron Throne. The following excerpt is from a joint press conference held by Tony Cervone, Senior VP of Global Communications for General Motors and Pete Carey, Group VP of Sales, Marketing, and Product at Toyota.
“While a beloved offering throughout all 50 states and beyond,” began Mr. Cervone. “The Chevy Silverado embraces a distinctly rugged, Southwestern-vibe. Dependable, limitless in its capabilities, it is unfazed by both blistering heat, and the endless demands of daily battle.”
“On the other hand,” offers Mr. Carey,” the Toyota Tundra is named after the unforgiving terrain of the North, rendered near-impassable to all but the truly determined and hearty of travelers. With this in mind, Toyota…”
“…and Chevrolet,“ continued Mr. Cervone. “Are proud to announce our own automotive Song of Ice and Fire, and invite all automakers to join in and assume a role comparable to the characters of Westeros!”
Positioning of the 2018 Chevy Silverado vs. 2018 Toyota Tundra was interesting enough, but even more fascinating are some of the other vehicle offerings that have been served up (and the automaker’s rationale for doing so).
For example, Ford showed next to zero interest in engaging in the competition, until they realized there was money to be made overseas. Ironic, considering their recent efforts in weight reduction, Ford has offered up the F-150 to represent the Iron Islands and will be expanding the trim levels to include the down and dirty Euron work truck.
Of course, Fiat-Chrysler shows up multiple times. First, with Jeep representing the almost unreachable Aerie within the mountainous Vale of Arryn. While this feels apropos considering the rugged nature of both the vehicle and the land it represents, the fact that (through 2019) all Jeeps will come with a breast pump and modesty cloth might do harm to their badass image.
RAM trucks step in to answer the question, “How many Dornishmen does it take to fuck a goat?” Based on their decision to represent the elaborate, hot-headed passion of Dorne once can only assume that it takes but ONE RAM.
With all of these self-appointments, it seems almost surprising that the Nissan Titan (of all offerings) assigned itself as the representative of Kings Landing. According to Yasuhiro Yamauchi, Nissan’s Chief Competitive Officer, “We were pretty surprised that neither Chevy or Toyota asserted themselves immediately upon the Iron Throne by choosing to represent Kings Landing. So, we figured ‘Why Not’?”
According to Tony Cervone of General Motors, “Don’t tell anyone, but we’re planning to strip Toyota down and make their team walk naked through the streets in a public shaming. Oh, you know, it’s all in good fun until G.O.T. comes back onto our screens next year.”