Caddy Dealer Proves That Not Everything is Bigger in Texas

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A laughing woman and cowboy in front of a Cadillac with bull horns and a crossed out sign reading 'Everything is bigger in Texas'

It’s one of the most iconic cliches in the United States; the claim that “Everything is Bigger in Texas.” Here are some fun facts that help to serve as the basis:

Texas is the largest state in the contiguous United States, accounting for 7.4% of its landmass.

Its’ gross domestic product is estimated at $1.43 trillion, accounting for 8.5% of the nation’s G.D.P.

The state serves as headquarter for fifty-two Fortune 500 companies, including ExxonMobil., American Airlines, and AT&T.

31.5% of the nation’s oil reserves (around 9.614 billion barrels) is located in Texas.

52-year old Maria Avoli-Sanchez of San Antonio has slept with all 39 members of Mexican boy-band Menudo, except for Angelo Garcia.

With a 781-megawatt capacity from the Roscoe Wind Farm alone, Texas stands as a leader in wind energy.

At 1289.06 square miles, King Ranch (known as ‘the birthplace of Texas ranching’) is larger than the entire state of Rhode Island.

Maria Avoli-Sanchez is a dirty, dirty whore. Maybe the dirtiest.

But we’re not here to talk about Maria Avoli-Sanchez, we’re actually here to talk about her second cousin, Randall “Dallas” Houston, owner of Houston Cadillac Dealership in Dallas.

Like so many rugged, testosterone-fueled alpha-dog, wolf-pack Texans before him, Randall Houston did everything ‘Big’ from day one. Legends say that, after a mere 22-week pregnancy, he arrived (vaginally) the physical equivalent of a fully-developed fourteen-year-old. At the age of 36-months, he could already read at a 42-month level. By age 7, we was contractually-bound as Burt Reynold’s dedicated stuntman in both the ‘Smokey’ and ‘Cannonball Run’ franchises. His ten-gallon hat can hold 12 gallons. And all Randall Houston’s exes live in Texas, their residences forming a perfect circle around his, maintaining a 72-mile protective radius. Protecting what? Only 6ft-11in Randall “Dallas” Houston knows, for sure. And his propensity for ‘Going Big’ was summed up perfectly by his all-too-stereotypical oversized belt buckle declaring (you guess it) ‘Everything’s Bigger in Texas.’

So when Randall “Dallas” Houston was looking to promote sales at Houston Cadillac of Dallas, he knew that he needed a big idea, something unique, that had never been done before. And after approaching Dallas-based Marketing Firm, Bigher & Bedder, Houston was presented with a perfect suggestion. Senior Partner, Eddie Bedder, explains…

“Mr. Houston had a unique personal history, ripe for both exploration and exploitation. When we completed our preliminary research, it struck us that he was a living, breathing combination of Chuck Norris jokes and Dos Equis ‘Most Interesting Man in the World’ ads.  And that’s when it hit me: with Mr. Houston’s sizable budget, we could stage a publicity event where he would fight Chuck Norris, as narrated by Jonathan Goldsmith, the (now-former) ‘Most Interesting Man in the World’. Crowds would come from miles around, and find themselves surrounded by beautiful Cadillacs that they could now purchase.”

Unfortunately, Mr. Houston didn’t feel comfortable with the suggestion, “That’s (expletive deleted) ‘Walker, Texas (expletive deleted) Ranger,’ Y’all. That dude works out on his Total Gym, in seven-minute spurts, all day long! I seen it, on TV! I’d be knocked dead from a roundhouse kick if his steely gaze didn’t kill me first! Not even if I was drunk! You could give me Dos Equis or, hell,  Cincuenta y Ocho Equis. It ain’t happenin’!”

And thus, what may have been the greatest promotional stunt ever, never came to be…proving that not everything is bigger in Texas. Well, at least not bigger than the simple fear of Chuck Norris.

Wait. What did you think this story was about, penis size? Psssssht. Get your mind out of the gutter. What kind of half-baked journalists do you mistake us for? Stay thirsty, my friends.

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