The Lemon

It is every man’s greatest fear (don’t let us tell you any different).

As individuals, it is either the root of our unfounded confidence or our puzzling insecurity. In fact, it might be the only standard where we, as a gender, are willing to settle for mediocrity in the event that we are not blessed with greatness. In intimate conversations, we are assured that ‘it’ doesn’t matter…and yet public banter assures us that it absolutely does.

Have you ever measured it? No, we’re serious. Don’t be embarrassed. Dig out a tape measure, and come to grips with what you’re working with. In a world where feminist groups are encouraged to gather together, straddling a mirror to embrace their womanhood, the least we can do is celebrate what makes us men. That’s right…we’re talking about our vehicles.

Wait. What did you think we were talking about?

Don’t beat yourself up, Perv. Truth be told, it’s been well-established that those things are closely linked in the evolving male brain. Growing up, little boys tend to be interested in three things (i) having the fastest car, or biggest truck (ii) their penis, and (iii) comic book superheroes.  Well, folks, it would appear that our friends at Disney and Marvel Studios are about to link those three things together even more closely, as part of the marketing campaign for this summer’s film, ANT MAN & WASP.

In the wake of AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR, audiences are clamoring to see the Marvel films being made available to hold them over until Infinity War’s resolution is served up in the fourth Avengers film to be released in May of 2019. Sure, the female-lead CAPTAIN MARVEL is just as highly-anticipated a lead-in (premiering two months earlier) but the sequel to 2015’s ANT MAN is next on the docket. And, with a marketing campaign that boasts such wordplay as “Bigger Still Isn’t Better”, the film provided a near-perfect cross-marketing opportunity.

In an increasingly environmentally-conscious world, automakers have answered the call by creating more sustainable hybrid and EV offerings. While appealing to the eco-friendly minds of some, these smaller, less powerful vehicles do little to engage the passion of many drivers…especially men who once dreamed of driving the ‘biggest’ or ‘fastest’.

“It’s not dissimilar to the struggles of Ant Man,” explains Marvel Studios President, Kevin Feige. “Scott Lang grapples with the consequences of his choices as both Super Hero and father. That sense of conflict is easily relatable to men who want to help save our world, but prefer to drive overpowered or oversized vehicles to compensate for tiny penises. For example, I drive a Prius and I’m a very powerful man. As a result, ANT MAN  & THE WASP will exclusively feature eco-friendly vehicles as the transportation of the film’s well-endowed hero, while showcasing larger vehicles as used by the tiny-wang’ed villains.”

Such a divisive statement has, of course, sparked outrage among Marvel loyalists. Set ablaze with anti-ANT MAN sentiment, Social Media platforms have been inundated with calls to boycott the film, initiated by neck-bearded basement dwelling virgins and redneck sister-kissers, alike.

Ant Man himself, Paul Rudd, addressed the conflict stating, “Well, we all have to take some responsibility for the environment.” Adding, “That’s how you become a real hero” as the light ping’ed off of his glistening smile.

Co-stars Evangeline Lily (Hope Van Dyne) and Michelle Pfeiffer (Janet Van Dyne) play mother and daughter in the film, as well as two versions of heroine, The Wasp. In a press conference, the actresses addressed the more inclusive tone needed in today’s superhero films.

“We have a responsibility to represent the historically under-represented,” stated Lily. “Whether based on gender, race, religion or some other discernible characteristic, films should present a more accurate representation of the movie audience. And as influencers, we should be more prudent. We should only promote products that are in the best interests of humanity, and small, eco-friendly vehicles are a great place to start.”

Aside from some random female yells of support, the crowd sat unresponsive until Michelle Pfeiffer added, “Not that I’d ever go down on a guy in a Prius.”

And the crowd went wild, pointing and laughing as Kevin Feige ran off-stage, crying.


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