Car Possessions Are Surging!

A car is shown from the front in darkness.

When looking at the health of the auto industry, there are many different markers that people like to consider and signs that can help us understand how things are going. While some experts like to look at sales numbers and the market share of a given brand to see how the company is doing, I prefer a more holistic approach. I’m not interested in specific brands because that gives just a small look at what’s going on—I care about how customers are doing and what they think of their vehicles.

Recently, I’ve noticed an alarming trend as I’ve talked to a wide range of car owners about the sort of experiences they’re having with their vehicles. While the financial sector is in rocky shape at the moment and inflation is booming across the country, there’s a far more disturbing thing going on that people aren’t talking about. In the wake of Covid, as we’re all trying to recover and figure out what comes next, I’m seeing an increasing number of reports of car possessions with devastating, sometimes horrifying outcomes.

How Can This Happen?

On the evening of March 23rd, Tom Roberts heard a strange noise that woke him from his sleep. “I was in bed at the time,” Mr. Roberts told me, “and I heard this god awful racket coming from downstairs. I thought an intruder was in the house or something, so I grabbed the sword I keep by my bed and went down to investigate. It was quiet as I moved through the house, but I didn’t see anything out of place. I checked the doors, and they were all locked, so I was confused.”

Mr. Roberts went on, “That’s when I heard it again – the sound was coming from my garage. I went to the door and opened it, figured maybe a raccoon got in somehow or something. But no. It was… it was my car! Normally she’s quiet and well-behaved, but the lights were on inside, and the headlights were flashing. When I opened the door, the horn started going off something fierce, but it didn’t sound normal. It was like some kind of demonic roar, and then she started spewing motor oil all over the place.”

Anywhere, at Any Time

This isn’t an isolated incident, though I wish I could say it was. I’ve been receiving numerous emails every day relaying similar stories of car possessions. “I bought a Jeep Wrangler because I like going off-road,” one person told me – she wished to remain anonymous. “But this was different… I was on the trail and had just splashed through a crick when suddenly my Jeep slammed to a stop. I figured maybe some water had flooded the engine or something, but then it started up again but was just going in a slow circle. My foot wasn’t on the gas or nothing.”

My anonymous reader continued, “I leaped out when I got a chance, and it just kept going in a circle for like 45 minutes. Once it stopped, I noticed smoke coming off the interior, but I didn’t splurge for the heated seats! I took it to my shop, and the mechanic read the error code from the diagnostic thingy and said, ‘Your mother sucks carburetors in hell!’ which is probably true; she was a real piece of work. Still stings, though.”

What Can You Do About Car Possessions?

If you or a loved one has a car that’s possessed, you do have options available to you. Personally, I’d take the car to a scrap yard and watch as they compact that thing into a bedeviled cube of slag and steel, but that’s me. You can also call in an expert to help take care of the situation for you – I’ve heard several stories in which an exorcism was successfully performed on a possessed car. According to my sources, the process involved raising the car up on blocks, then flushing out the engine with holy motor oil before sprinkling the chassis with windshield wiper fluid blessed by an old priest and a young priest. I still think the scrap yard is the best solution.

Editor’s Note: We received this article a month ago and ignored it because we assumed the writer was just having another schizophrenic episode. Last week, Jim in the marketing department went out to the parking lot at the end of the day and found his car upside-down, scraping across the pavement as it crawled from parking spot to parking spot, spraying gasoline in the shape of a pentagram. We still think this is nonsense, but Jim was pretty shook up, so we figured we’d humor him and run the story in the hopes of shutting him up. Thank you.


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