The outgoing administration seems hesitant to call the movers. Rumor has it the President is dreading civilian life and digging in his heels. The intrepid marketing professionals at Chevy applied their high emotional intelligence to this plight and came up with a consolation prize worthy of an outgoing president of Mr. Trump’s stature. Next week, at a ceremony to be held on the steps of the IRS Headquarters building, Chevy will present Trump with the keys to a special edition “No Hard Feelings” 2021 Chevy Bolt.
When this article went to press, it was uncertain whether Trump and his wife, Melania, would attend. Sources close to the President tell us that rampant denial and childlike stubbornness may factor into his decision. Our insider tells us the President’s dog-eared, heavily highlighted copy of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents (Gibson 2015) remains on his bedside table next to first-edition copies of his own books, which are equally dog-eared and notated.
The higher-ups at Chevy hope this conciliatory Bolt has the intended effect of softening the blow to Mr. Trump’s ego and giving him something to look forward to after leaving office. The vehicle’s environmentally-friendly, all-electric power is an interesting contradiction. We wonder if the President will pick up on it. We think Chevy wants to help Trump break his addiction to crude oil while simultaneously giving him a reliable transportation method back to New York (since Air Force One isn’t part of his exit package). Here’s everything we know about this one-of-a-kind Chevy Bolt and the event Chevy is putting on to celebrate Trump’s transition.
Exterior
Chevy thoughtfully designed the Bolt to reflect Trump’s rather unique qualities and tastes. The exterior is a matte black – to match the President’s heart – and features a single bright red stripe along the hood, to represent his penchant for red ties. The headlights are outlined in white and conjure images of Trump’s tanning bed raccoon eyes. Rather than a moonroof, Chevy has planted a rooftop garden of sorts, choosing lush, beige prairie grass to celebrate Trump’s signature poofy hairpiece.
Special exterior speakers – part of the Poser Pontification Package – are mounted above the side mirrors and activated by a toggle switch on the dash. A “microphone” is built into the headliner just above the driver’s sun visor. New Yorkers needn’t worry: the speakers don’t actually work. They only look like they do. This way, Mr. Trump can continue spouting his rhetoric, remaining under the illusion that the public is hanging on his every word. The company felt this was a mutually beneficial feature for Trump and the general public.
Decals depicting stock market surges and embossed lettering with the words ‘tremendous’, ‘fake news,’ and ‘stupid’ decorate the Bolt’s back bumper and send Mr. Trump off with fond memories of his time in the Oval Office. A retractable flagpole mounted at the center of the Bolt’s roof includes several interchangeable large-format message flags, that include Trump: MAGA Forever, Nancy Pelosi is a Loser, and Sleepy Joe Sucks. We hope the President gets a lot of use out of them. We suspect he will, and he’ll find an extra income source selling flag kits to his supporters to help pay his mounting tax debt and fund the landscapers at Mar-A-Lago.
Interior
Inside this one-of-a-kind Chevy Bolt, the orange pleather interior offers a blending, invisible man-like monotone, matching Trump’s “sun-kissed” fake tan skin and providing a stain-resistant surface that easily wipes clean of residual tanning spray. While we don’t think the President will ever drive it sans clothes, if he does, he’ll enjoy other drivers’ reactions when the car appears to be driven by a puffy shock of yellow hair and two floating beady eyes. Very clever, and kudos to the Chevy designers for getting the color just right.
The infotainment system is pre-programmed for easy access to Twitter, and the system’s unique voice-activated technology allows Mr. Trump to stay connected while on the go. The handy language filter helps catch any wayward profanity and flags messages with keywords like ‘China,’ ‘racism,’ and ‘winning.’ Hence, Mr. Trump has a second opportunity to ponder the wisdom of hitting publish. Hey – there’s a first time for everything!
The front passenger space is designed specifically for Mrs. Trump, with Burberry-accented dash insets and a vaseline-coated visor mirror to keep the harsh daylight from revealing her fine lines. She’ll appreciate the soundproofed driver partition, which is activated by the touch of an easily-reachable button on the passenger door. Once raised, the passenger is completely insulated from the driver, both visibly and audibly.
Performance and Safety
The folks at Chevy understand that Mr. Trump demands the best of everything. His image is all about excess. The special edition No Hard Feelings Chevy Bolt delivers, with thrilling all-electric power and a few extras to keep the Trumps zooming through life better than anyone else. The Bolt’s aerodynamic lines and ultra-lowered stance contribute to overall performance while giving the car an angry curb appeal. We think it’s perfect: a car should reflect its owner’s personality.
Trump likes to be seen, so Chevy has made this possible by installing a speed governor limiting the Bolt to a max speed of 20 mph. This gives passersby a good look at the soon-to-be-former President. A secret override feature allows Mr. Trump to rapidly accelerate out of awkward spots where his extreme views might betray him, BLM protests, or Planned Parenthood offices.
A suite of specially-designed driver-assist systems put safety at the forefront. One unique safety feature is the automatic closing windows that use embedded radar to detect when flying objects, like rotten eggs and bags of dog excrement, are imminently hitting the President or his passengers. Also included is a spray paint-resistant exterior paint coating. Not only will it prevent graffiti artists from tagging the vehicle, but it emits a thin layer of viscous oil designed to dissuade passionate dissenters from trying to hitch a ride and engage in debate.
Chevy clearly appreciates President Donald J. Trump’s contributions to the country and its economy during his four years in office. The special No Hard Feelings 2021 Chevy Bolt is the 100-plus-year-old American carmaker’s parting gift for the President, and they’re giving it away with much fanfare. Since social distancing is frowned-upon by Mr. Trump and his acolytes, MAGA devotees are encouraged to attend the ceremony. If you plan to attend, please note that masks are prohibited. Security will promptly remove anyone wearing a mask.
Immediately following the ceremony, guests are encouraged to tweet the following: “the 2020 presidential election was a hoax, and the fake news media is to blame” with the hashtags #magaforever, #cnnblows, and #sleepyjoeisafakepresident.
We know this coming together of like-minded MAGA zealots will prove to be a peaceful, reverential celebration of Trump. Several exhibitors will be on hand to provide additional services and entertainment. These include tax attorneys and your favorite Fox News talking heads.
Tickets are just $10,000, and all proceeds go toward the Trump Fake Election Legal Fund, which is working tirelessly to discredit election officials in every blue state across our fine nation. You’ll have the great honor of sending President Trump and the FLOTUS off as they “Bolt” to their future and embrace the next stage of their lives. It’s a truly memorable occasion, one that we can all proudly share as we chant, “Four More Years! Four More Years,” and shed a tear (or two) for our fearless leader, Mr. Donald J. Trump.
