As spring moves toward summer, several things inevitably happen: the days grow longer, the air sparkles with warmth and radiance, and car companies look for ways to make people excited about their vehicles before introducing the next model year. That means we get all kinds of updates and new options to enjoy as every manufacturer does what it can to get people to care about a car that’s been available for like six months already. Chevy has introduced several new special editions that you might be able to find at your local Chevrolet dealership, assuming they can get the chips to make these things; otherwise, I don’t know… we’ll all be riding around in abandoned refrigerator boxes pulled by teams of feral raccoons or something.
Silverado Low-Blow Edition
For years now, vehicles have included an airbag that deploys from the steering wheel to help prevent serious injuries to the driver. This year, however, Chevy has taken a new step in advanced safety technology with their Silverado Low-Blow Edition. Marketed toward women and painted with a gorgeous rendition of the Texas state flag on the side, the Low-Blow Edition features a special driver’s side airbag unseen in any other model.
While most steering-wheel airbags deploy toward the face and chest of the driver, the airbag in the Low-Blow Edition aims directly at a woman’s stomach. According to a spokesperson at Chevy that I talked to, their testing showed an 84% success rate in causing an “accidental prenatal event” that does not technically qualify as an abortion. This ensures the driver won’t be prosecuted for, “taking care of one of life’s little mistakes.”
They also told me, “If the crash and deployment of the airbag in the Low-Blow Edition fails to cause such an event, then our female customers can take their vehicle to one of our dealerships for a complimentary punch in the stomach to help get the job done. We’ve found no shortage of men in Texas who are more than happy to kick a woman when she’s down, and they really take to this job with zeal. We barely even had to ask them to do this—many of these guys were just looking for an excuse.”
Chevy Equinox Mask Mandate Special
Recently, many government regulations requiring masks in public spaces have been suspended and canceled as people have decided to act like the pandemic is over. While hospital rates have certainly gone down, some drivers are concerned about using ridesharing services without masks on. The Equinox Mask Mandate Special solves this problem rather simply: once the vehicle is started, a vacuum system sucks the air out of the interior, and masks are deployed in a way similar to an airplane that has lost cabin pressure. Passengers then need to wear the masks or enjoy the peaceful quiet of asphyxiation and Chevy’s smooth suspension.
The 2021 Chevy Bolt EV
In light of Russia’s recent “special military operation” in the soon-to-be Russian territory formerly known as Ukraine, Chevy has noticed a new market for their vehicles. As Ukrainian citizens attempt to flee their homes rather than watch their children be raped by Russian soldiers, they have a new option: the 2021 Chevy Bolt EV. Bolt EV models are being supplied to Ukrainian citizens fully charged to help them flee the country.
Best of all, if the driver is concerned about approaching Russian soldiers, they can simply pull over to the side of the road and turn the vehicle off. At that time, the Bolt EV will burst into flames, and the soldiers will pass by, assuming it’s just another fiery wreck serving as evidence of their proud attempt to rid Ukraine of its apparent Nazi problem. This isn’t a special edition per se; apparently, it’s just a standard Chevy Bolt EV doing what it does best.
Editor’s Note: We recently had the opportunity to test drive the Chevy Equinox Mask Mandate Special, and we have to say it was a delight. Interior chatter and distractions were greatly reduced as everyone struggled to breathe and gasped awkwardly with the unnecessarily complicated mask apparatus. We strongly urge drivers to help young passengers get their masks on before fitting your own mask, and remember that air flows to each part of the vehicle ONLY when climate controls are activated. It took several minutes for us to figure that out, and we lost a couple of cousins during the test drive; still worth it, though. Thank you.