In the highly competitive world of the automotive marketplace, there’s no shortage of tactics and strategies to grasp onto the demographic of the millennial driver. With the average Chevy dealer not holding much interest to the younger generation, especially with Tesla models being the newest symbol of status and opulence, the bow-tie brand has announced a new version of their Equinox SUV that just might be the edge the brand needs to garner some much needed attention. Earlier this week, GM CEO Mary Barra announced the unveiling of the Warped Tour Edition of the Chevy Equinox. A host of exclusive features will be in place to hopefully reclaim Chevy’s position in the race for dominance in the SUV marketplace.
Gen-Z Voice Recognition
The generation gap becomes a little bit wider each and every year. As such, you might have offspring or nieces or nephews that use words that you have no idea what they mean. This trim-exclusive feature matches current words and phrases into their late 1990s and early 2000s counterparts. This way, you don’t have to worry about embarrassing yourself again asking, “What is a yeet?”
CD/MP3 Player Only
This is your chance to relive the 1990s to the fullest. Instead of the newest infotainment screen and smartphone integration, the Warped Tour version of the Equinox will be equipped with a CD Player/MP3 Player combination. Dust off those Punk-O-Rama CDs and get ready to cruise while you listen to the Bouncing Souls. For security, you’ll be able to remove the entire system and take it with you. It may be inconvenient, but it will bring back the nostalgia of days gone by.
56K Compatibility w/OnStar
While there’s no infotainment interface to be had, Chevy will still equip their newest vehicle with OnStar. However, rather than the over-the-air software updates that are prevalent all over the industry, a 56K dial-up interface will be included. Relive the days of AOL and Compuserve with the sound of that old modem that’s collecting dust.
Passenger Age Verification
Remember when that pop-punk singer got you in the back of his tour van when you were 16? Thanks to an age verification system, you’ll instantly know the age of anyone who gets in your vehicle. Circumvent the embarrassment of finding out your latest sexual conquest was beneath the age of consent.
Beavis and Butt-Head Voice Assistance Naviagtion
Remember when MTV had episodes of Beavis and Butt-Head airing on a regular basis? Remember when they critiqued your favorite music videos? For that matter, remember when MTV actually played music videos? Anyway, Chevy has implemented voice assistance with the talents of Beavis and Butt-head creator Mike Judge. Alerts like, “Uh huh huh, buckle up, butt-munch,” and “You left the door open, dumbass” are just a few of the helpful reminders that will be put in place.
Custom Interior Designed by JNCO
Forgoing the traditional cloth interior that’s commonly found on the Equinox, JNCO has designed a special interior for the Warped Tour version of the SUV. While that pair of super-baggy jeans might not fit anymore, you’ll have the opportunity to relieve the feeling with the same material being used. JNCO has also stated that in order to replicate the baggy jeans feeling, interior storage will be hidden. Although marijuana is now legal in many states, this will bring back the thrill of hiding that illicit baggie, especially when you get pulled over.
Production Begins in 2025
It’s expected that the Warped Tour edition of the Chevy Equinox will begin sometime in 2025. We asked if Chevy has any plans of unveiling the completed model during the actual Warped Tour, but Barra has not reached a definitive choice yet. “It would be ideal, but we’re aware of the behaviors from a lot of the past musical acts. We’re not sure how many have to stay at least 500 feet away from persons under 18, and many millennial parents will want to get behind the wheel of the new Equinox. We have to think of the children’s safety.” We plan on keeping you updated with this story as it develops.
