Chevy Targets People Who Have “Run Out of F*cks”

A woman is next to a zero f*cks meter in front of the GM building.

These days, it seems as though most topics of conversation are (in some way) impacted by the idea of sustainability. In fact, it seems fair to say that our global community is collectively focused on the various resources that we rely upon, the manner in which those resources are distributed, and the rate at which we consume them. From oil and energy to wealth, food and water to education, there are any number of ‘hot-button topics’ that we could lump in with this renewed sense of focus. But with all of that in mind, I join some of the greatest minds of our time in asking this…what about f*cks? Do we have enough? Are we running out? And most importantly, are we running the risk of leaving our children with a world where there are simply no f*cks left to give? Judging by the fact that the 2020 Chevy Malibu is actually “a thing”, things aren’t looking very good for any of us.

A cartoon salesman and buyer are looking at a 2020 Chevy Malibu with a trunk full of f*cks.

Considering the widespread restructuring of the automotive industry in favor of crossovers and SUVs, it’s clear that we’re witnessing a paradigm shift within the automotive industry. But despite its future looking bright thanks to advances in both autonomy and (yep, you guessed it) sustainability. But where does this leave enduring (if not dated) classics like the Chevy Malibu? Since 1964, the Malibu has been a near-constant mainstay of Chevy’s lineup, but it hardly reflects the evolving sensibilities of today’s consumers. But did Chevy discontinue it? No. And with its declining popularity, it seems like we’re witnessing entropy in action.

Under the pen name Cassandra Clare, American author Judith Lewis once wrote that,”All things tend toward entropy. The whole universe is moving outward, the stars are pulling away from one another, and God knows what’s falling through the cracks between them.” Well, we know what is falling through the cracks…f*cks.

But this may not necessarily be detrimental to the Chevy Malibu. In fact, according to an internal memo from the desk of GM CEO Mary Barra, it would appear that General Motors is banking on the statistical decline in f*cks to help drive up Malibu sales.

The memo (obtained by a former GM intern who requested that we maintain their anonymity) reads as follows:

To: Board of Directors, General Motors
cc. Dr. Xiaolin Zheng PhD, Consulting Advisor on Thermodynamics
cc. Brandon Parker, Consulting Giver of Zero F*cks

Fr: Mary Barra, CEO, General Motors

Re: Strategy 2020 Chevy Malibu

As described to me by an intelligent Asian science lady, ‘entropy’ is a principal of thermodynamics that is often used to communicate a lack of order, absence of predictability, or a gradual decline into disorder. Coincidentally, over the last two decades, General Motors has been described in an almost identical fashion.

At the risk of explicit frankness, we (as a company) have been collectively guilty of running ourselves out of f*cks. As a direct result, our company has suffered, our culture has suffered, our products have suffered, and our strategies have suffered. Our lack of f*cks have transformed General Motors into a victim of its own self-fueled entropy.

That said, it is my belief that we can transform this liability into an asset. By recognizing that the absence of f*cks that defines us actually aligns us with a consumer base that has an equal lack of f*cks, we might be in a better position than we’d previously realized. And to prove the viability of this statement, I suggest that we reconsider the proposal to cancel the Chevy Malibu.

Instead of challenging ourselves to give a f*ck as part of some vain attempt to create a better vehicle than the Malibu, it would prove far more cost effective to market the Malibu as the ideal vehicle for people who no longer have any f*cks to give. After all, there’s plenty of them out there.

We reached out to Brandon Parker, listed on this memo as ‘Consulting Giver of Zero F*cks’, for his opinion on both the current state and future potential of the Chevy Malibu. His response, “I don’t give a f*ck.”

But, if nothing else, the memo (which we assume to be true) provides an interesting insight into the collective mindset of GM. But what do you think? Is the 2020 Chevy Malibu worth a f*ck? Are we, as a society, running out of f*cks? More importantly, would you even give a f*ck if we were?


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