Concerned Consumers: 4 Shoppers Traumatized By The 2018 Honda Ridgeline

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4 Shoppers Traumatized By The 2018 Honda Ridgeline

Recently, we tried to determine the victor of the 2018 Ford F-150 vs 2018 Honda Ridgeline battle. It took us only a few minutes of researching specs to realize that the 2018 Honda Ridgeline truly sucked. But in an effort to help us understand what purchasers of this truck must be going through, we interviewed four shoppers traumatized by the 2018 Honda Ridgeline. These are their stories.

#1. “Macho” Mike

As a competitive bodybuilder, Macho Mike likes all things “swol”. One day after getting his pump on at the gym, he decided to check out Honda’s newest pickup truck. After all, there are just as many Mikes on the road as there are Hondas…what could go wrong? Well. Mike’s not the brightest tool at the gym, so he didn’t listen to much of what the car salesman had to say. Instead, he excitedly purchased the 2018 Honda Ridgeline and hit the streets. Excited about his new toy, Macho Mike decided to head back to the gym and show off his new truck.

That’s when things took a turn for the worst. Nearly instantly, Macho Mike was the laughing stock of his “boys”. To his dismay, Mike’s boys quickly informed him that he had purchased the least “swol” truck available, claiming that the 2018 Honda Ridgeline had the lowest towing capacity of ANY truck in its class (a mere 5,000 lbs compared to the 2018 Ford F-150’s 8,000 lbs.). To make matters worse, Macho Mike’s mortal gym enemy Kevin, the guy who never re-racks his dumbbells, proclaimed that his new truck greatly resembled a “soccer mom’s car with a dick”.

Needless to say, Macho Mike is forever traumatized with his 2018 Honda Ridgeline purchase, and wishes he chose the more muscular and powerful 2018 Ford F-150.

Salt-In-The-Wound Fact!: Macho Mike’s gym enemy, Kevin, was right! The 2018 Honda Ridgeline greatly resembles an SUV because it was modeled after Honda’s popular compact SUV, the Pilot. Not very manly. Sorry Macho Mike!  

 

#2. “Anal” Anne

Don’t get too excited! We aren’t talking about Anne’s sexual preferences. We’re talking about her borderline obsessive-compulsive disorder. And believe me, you don’t want this one night stand to turn into a stage five clinger! But let’s get back to Anne’s Ridgeline trauma.

You see, Anne enjoys purchasing the latest and greatest when it comes to just about anything! And, not surprisingly, she can get quite anal about it. Anne’s story with the 2018 Honda Ridgeline began when this anal thrill seeker decided to purchase a truck and try her hand at off-roading. She had heard that the 2018 Honda Ridgeline came with impressive entertainment and safety technology, and seeing the high MSRP she decided this must be true even on the base model.

However, Anal Anne had thought wrong. Upon returning home with her new truck she realized the worse. Her 2018 Honda Ridgeline was equipped with Front-Wheel Drive. Yes, you heard that correctly…a truck with Front-Wheel Drive. What’s worse is that her pricey base level Honda Ridgeline did not have any of the boasted safety technology available. In fact, when Anal Anne took her new truck back to the dealership, they informed her that to experience the latest in any form of onboard technology she’d have to shell out a TON of additional funds. Anne can’t tolerate a poor value and has been devastated ever since.

Salt-In-The-Wound Fact!: Had Anal Anne purchased the 2018 Ford F-150 instead, she’d be enjoying standard features like daytime running lights, traction control, and an electronic stability system, which helped the F-150 earn its 5-star safety rating from the NHTSA. The 2018 Ford F-150 also makes it easy to upgrade to advanced safety and technology features on its lower trims levels, but Anal Anne might not be quite ready for this info yet.

 

#3. “Penny-Pincher” Patel

Like any properly raised American-Indian, 20 year old Patel was born with penny-pinching habits ingrained in his soul. Patel’s father had always told him that Honda vehicles were “cheap” and “easy-to-fix”. Naturally when he wanted a new truck, he chose Honda. However, little did he know, his life was about to be turned upside down!

Immediately, Patel decided to return home to his overbearing Indian parents to show them his newest bargain. However, when Penny-Pinching Patel told his father the Ridgelines $29,730 MSRP, he was enraged. Instantly he questioned how Patel could make such an idiotic decision asking, “Why would you choose a truck that is more expensive than the 2018 Ford F-150 and offers less power?” and “You are Indian! What do you need a truck for anyways, Patel?”.

But just when he thought his parents were about to calm down and accept his mistake, Patel was faced with the most pressing question of his young adult life, “Did you at least get a cash discount?”

Since this article has been published, Patel’s parents have purchased him a one way ticket to India to carry out an arranged marriage with a country girl named, Aishu. We think it’s safe to say that Patel did NOT get a cash discount.

Salt-In-The-Wound Fact!: Penny-Pinching Patel’s dad was on to something! While the 2018 Honda Ridgeline has a starting MSRP of just over $29K and only offers up to 280 hp, the 2018 Ford F-150 starts at $27,705 and produces up to an incredible 450 hp.

 

#4. “Basic Bitch” Becky

Unlike Penny-Pinching Patel, Basic Bitch Becky has a good reason for purchasing a pickup truck. She knows that guys just love it when a girl owns a truck with no need for towing or hauling capabilities and then uses #girlswithtrucks to gain attention on Instagram. So, after filling up on Pumpkin Spice Lattes at Starbucks, Becky headed over to the nearest dealership to purchase her first truck.

Excited to show off her new truck for some male attention, Becky invited her top friend-zone pick over for what he thought might turn into some Netflix and chill. But Becky’s new truck didn’t get her quite the attention she was looking for.

Friend-zoned Keith asked Becky why she chose the Honda brand for a new truck, as opposed to a reputable truck brand like Ford. Upon further inspecting the 2018 Honda Ridgeline, Keith even let Becky know that she chose the “girliest” looking truck he’s ever seen.

We checked in with Basic Bitch Becky a few weeks later to see how she was handling her traumatizing Ridgeline purchase. We regret to report that she “literally can’t even”. Meanwhile, Keith’s life is seeing some positive change, as he is now in the friend-zone of a girl with a 2018 Ford F-150. Way to go Keith!

Salt-In-The-Wound Fact!: While the Honda Ridgeline has only been available to consumers since 2006, the Ford F-150 has been a crowd favorite dating as far back as 1948. With a whole seven decades on the Ridgeline, Ford has been improving, adapting, and evolving its F-150 models to remain the toughest trucks available today.

 

The Stats That Could Have Saved Them

Don’t be like our four traumatized shoppers. Be sure to research any vehicle before you purchase it. In an effort to save you from the same fate as Macho Mike, Anal Anne, Penny-Pinching Patel, and Basic Bitch Becky, here are some of the basic stats of the 2018 Ford F-150 vs 2018 Honda Ridgeline.

 

2018 Ford F-150

  • MSRP: $27,705
  • Towing Capacity: up to 8,000 LBS
  • Horsepower: up to 450 hp
  • Torque: 510 lb-ft

 

2018 Honda Ridgeline

  • MSRP: 46% Reduction in Your Already Dwindling Testosterone-Levels for Men.
    71% Increase in Dark, Course Upper Lip Hair for Women.
  • Towing Capacity: Not Quite Enough to Pull the Weight of Your Shame.
  • Horsepower: Less-than (or Equal-to) 6 Units of Llama-Thrust.
  • Torque: What’s that? I Can’t Hear You Over the Mocking Laughter of Children.

 

These stats make it clear, so consider yourself warned: Purchasing the 2018 Honda Ridgeline over the 2018 Ford F-150 could leave you permanently traumatized. And if for some reason you find yourself still interested in the Honda Ridgeline, ask yourself: Do you really want to buy a Honda brand truck? Honda? Really?

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