star wars satire and a yoda figure

Bethesda, MD – To an outsider, Bethesda MD probably seems like a pretty nice place to live. Located just northwest of D.C, it ranks among the United States’ most educated and highest earning towns. Unfortunately, the tenet that knowledge, wealth and influence breed corruption seems to have taken hold of the affluent community in recent years. Civic leaders, such as venture capitalist Kyle O’Wrenn and Councilman Charles “Chaz” Palpatine have been called out by the liberal community as “offering a pathway to many policies some consider to be unnatural” (citing the arbitrary “Funeral Reform Policy” of 2016, which allowed local funeral director Garth Pele-Guess to continue having relations with his dead wife).

But the heir to a local Toyota dealership aims to restore a moral compass to Bethesda. Founded in 1981, Gunray Toyota had enjoyed prosperity as the community’s most successful car dealership for the better part of three decades. That was, until the 2014 death of General Manager Nute Gunray. In the absence of his leadership, the dealership fell into disarray.

That is until Gunray only son, Lucas George Gunray, earned his degree from Duke University and completed a six-month global sojourn, making stops in South America, Himalayan Mongolia, India and Brattleboro, VT. “Learned a lot about myself, I did, on that journey. Learned about people, as well. Many religions and faiths, I did observe. Learned also of high-grade pharmaceutical marijuana, and smoke myself silly I did, in Vermont. Passed out. My head, on a curb I hit, and a massive stroke, I suffered. Brain damage, I now have,” he shared, explaining his unique cadence.

Unable to handle the rigorous demands of managing his late father’s dealership, Luke Gunray was unsure of what to do with the dealership. He encountered further difficulties in his step-mother, Shmi, who had secured legal control of his father’s assets (except for the now-failed dealership)  and kicked Lucas out of his childhood home.

“Everything I own, on the lawn, was left, even my Star Wars collection,” recounts young Luke, clearly frustrated over the risk of damage to his vast collection, valued at over half-a-million dollars. “Only the dealership, I had left. Moved everything in, I did. But what else to do, I did not know.”

With no other choice but to meditate upon his fate, the young heir decided to open his door to others who might share in his need to seek spiritual direction. As weeks passed, and dozens of people came to seek mindfulness, enjoy his collection (and smoke a lot of weed) the ‘First Unitarian Church of Dagobah’ was born.

“Accept, I had to, that Yoda I sound like,” admits Gunray. “So an online Divinity Certification, I sought out. Ordained Minister, I now am. Spiritual guidance, we offer to the community. Once you start down the dark path, forever it will dominate your destiny. Consume you, it will. Balance, to the people of Bethesda, we will offer. In a dark place, we find ourselves, and a little more knowledge lights our way.”

So, if you’re a Bethesda resident seeking enlightenment from a functionally-retarded trust fund baby, and you really like getting super high and watching “Revenge of the Sith” on repeat, the First Unitarian Church of Dagobah might be just the place for you.


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