Crossovers: the Original ‘Green Deal’

A lime green crossover is shown with shades of green paint swatches. The images is in relation to the comparison of the 2019 GMC Terrain vs 2019 Chevy Equinox

They call it a “socialist wish list” that could cost trillions, kill at least a million jobs and disrupt global trade. But if you think that Republicans are critical of the now infamous ‘Green New Deal’ proposed by New York Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, then you should meet Helen Gruber, a veteran automotive design consultant who has worked with everyone from Ford to Tesla. And if you’re the kind of person who’s currently debating the 2019 GMC Terrain vs 2019 Chevy Equinox, or any other vehicles in the crossover segment, Helen Gruber wants you to know that the Democratic Socialist is an “unoriginal hack”.

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez discusses her ‘Green New Deal’ with several male politicians around her.
Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez discusses her ‘Green New Deal’

Nicknamed ‘The Crossover Queen’, Gruber is notorious for the freelance nature of her consultancy, allowing her to cross over from one automaker to another with nary a thought. But the industry-assigned moniker has a dual meaning, based around the intimate nature of her relationship with the crossover SUV segment.

A grandmother is holding her grandson who is dressed in red.
‘Crossover Queen’ Helen Gruber with her grandson, Jayden, clad in a color she describes as “Not Green”.

Beginning back in 2007, the growing influx of crossover offerings mirrored the evolving sensibility of the modern car-buyer. A new focus on practicality, accessibility and sustainability created a whole new palate of color and design theory for Gruber to embrace.

“Suddenly, the green movement was everywhere,” she explains, recounting the universal awakening experienced during the early 2000s. “Whether or not people realized it, it was influencing each and every industry out there. For designers like myself, it was inspiring, as we were trying to find new ways to convey a humbly-grounded, and inarguably terran-centric sensibility in all of our design choices. It was all greens and chasing arrows out there, but how could we translate it to the auto industry.”

That was when she created a design theory which she called the “New Green Deal”. Basically, it called for any and all automakers to serve up their crossover offerings in various shades of greens, and even muddied browns.

“Let’s be honest,” she said. “The colors were gross. No-one wanted to buy them. But it made it all the more special, helping the crossovers to stand out when they WERE bought. And there’s nothing a #woke ecowarrior loves more than to stand out. They’re pretty much have 4th-Place rankings after Vegans, Crossfitters and Atheists in terms of how ready they are to tell you all about their lifestyle.”

And while poor sales might have led many automakers to shit away from the niche appeal of Helen Gruber’s “New Green Deal” in recent years, it still lives on in such offerings as the 2019 Hyundai Kona.

But if Helen Gruber has an endearment toward accessibly-priced, eco-friendly and largely unthreatening vehicles – wouldn’t that indicate that her ideals are aligned with that of Representative Ocasio-Cortez? And, considering their decision to utilize an almost identical name for their respective pet projects, doesn’t it imply that they might be more compatible than Gruber would like to admit?

“Absolutely not,” says Helen Gruber. “That chick’s f*cking nuts. Although, ‘Progressive Policy Pear’ would make a great name for a color!

Ocasio-Cortez could not be reached for comment, as she was live streaming another futile and pandering search for Senate Majority Mitch McConnell.

A side by side of Mitch McConnell and Ocasio-Cortez speaking into a microphone.
(Left) Mitch McConnell, after sucking a virgin dry of blood (Right) Ocasio-Cortez looking ‘less insane than usual’.


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