cool grandma showing her f-finger

Recently, Chevy has been rolling out a new commercial spot for their 2018 Chevrolet Traverse. Titled “Family Reunion,” the commercial revolves around a group of generic customers learning about everything the SUV has to offer. However, their inspection takes a positive turn when a family member pops out of the rear of the vehicle. Families are reunited, and the commercial is presumably accentuating that this is all because of Chevy. However, the commercial didn’t necessarily go as planned. Several customers didn’t pick up on the sentiment that Chevy was trying to display, and these individuals headed into Chevy dealerships seeking a new Chevy truck, SUV, or car that came with a free grandma.

“I saw that there commercial and they said you get a free grandma if you buy a Chevy vehicle,” said Cleetus Beetus. “They best not be pushing any of that false advertising. I’ve been seeking a grandmother figure for years, and I’ve finally got my way thanks to Chevy.

My parents were both there killed in a barn fire in the 1980s. I lived with my grandma and grandpa, but my grandma never returned home after going out to the store to buy some cigarettes. I always needed me some of that there tender loving care from a woman, and I assumed Chevy would give me that.”

Other customers came in specifically looking for the older black lady that was featured in the ad.

“She looked friendly and loving,” said Courtney-Ann-Mellissa-Rose-Ann Banks. “I’ve never had much of a family life, and all of the customers in the commercial looked so happy when they saw that she was their new grandma. That’s how I want to feel, damnit, and I want that friendly-looking grandma from the commercial… just as Chevy promised.”

Of course, the brand isn’t overly thrilled about the confusion. Chevy released a statement noting that “none of [their] current crop of vehicles comes with a free grandma. Chevy is not in the industry to illegally give away people.”

“That’s just awful,” said Beetus after learning about Chevy’s announcement. “If that’s how they feel, they never should have said anything about giving away free grandmas in the first place.”

While the brand isn’t too keen on including a free “grandma” with the purchase of their vehicles, that hasn’t stopped some dealerships from taking matters into their own hands. “Johnny Totally Legal Vehicles” in Detroit, Michigan has given in to their customers’ demands. For a limited time, if a customer purchases a new Chevy truck, SUV, or car, the dealership will also provide them with a free grandma.

“We’ve always strived to satisfy our customers,” said owner Johnny Totally. “Therefore, we’ve listened to their requests and we’re now including a free grandma with all of our purchases.”

How did the dealership get their hands on all of these free grandmas who would willingly be given to a new family?

“It started by using my own grandmas,” Totally admitted. “That worked fine, and the customers were more than satisfied. When I realized how successful the promotion actually was, I started making posts on Craigslist, searching for any elderly women who may be looking for free housing. I’ve had more volunteers than you’d believe!”

Mabel Abernathy was one of those volunteers, and she’s been happy with her new family so far.

“Simply, this is a new opportunity on life,” she explained. “I remember back when Robert Kennedy was running for president, and he promised us that we could lead the best possible lives. I think that’s all now possible thanks to Chevy.”

Ray Kinky, a 35-year-old owner of “Kinky’s X-Rated Mags” who just recently moved out of his mother’s home, was one of the customers to receive a free grandma. Kinky admitted that it took him a while to get used to the new housemate, but he soon recognized the advantages they provide.

“She’ll cook me dinner, she’ll vacuum my bedroom, she’ll fold my laundry,” he said. “Sometimes, when I’m about to leave the house for the day, she’ll even sneak me a 20-dollar bill, telling me to buy myself something nice. Honestly, similar to pornography, it’s improved every facet of my sad existence.”

Predictably, some human rights groups are trying to protest this unconventional promotion. “Mother’s Brothers Against Elderly Women Giveaways” is a non-profit group based out of Chicago, Minnesota, and their overall rallying cry is to preserve the human rights’ of elderly females. Randomly comprised entirely of uncles, this group is hoping to get a bill moving through legislation that would prevent such a discount.

“Despite their age, these women still have full life’s to live,” spokesman Rhett Icon said. “What Chevy is doing isn’t only unethical, but it’s also illegal. It won’t be long before we’re shutting down this promotion altogether.”

In the meantime, customers will have to take advantage of the hard-to-find promotion for as long as they can.


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