It was earlier this year when Mazda’s Vice President of Sales and Customer Service (Europe) Martijn Brink confirmed that the automaker’s Zoom-Zoom 2030 plan will include the return of its legendary rotary engine. Devoid of turbocharger, the single-disc Wankel engine will be the size of a shoebox, acting as a generator for purely electric offerings to come. While the automaker still plans to invest in the evolution of combustion engine technologies, their rotary plans convey a paradigm shift in consumer expectations across all markets. More than ever before, the global consumer seems willing to accept a step backward in terms of personal convenience, if the payoff is global in nature.
“This unexpected level of willingness on behalf of the consumer is somewhat surprising,” claims Hans Frikahling, self-proclaimed marketing guru and best-selling author. “Just as we’re criticizing the ever-more youthful consumer for their inherent sense of entitlement, we’re learning that they’re surprisingly open to regressive technology if it empowers them with the ability to claim they are more #vintage or #woke than their social media followers.”
Mazda seems to agree, explaining that most EV offerings come with an expectation of less-impressive performance stats, an acceptable trade-off for ecological responsibility.
Apple’s VP of Software Innovation, Matthew E. Gregg validates the assertion by stating, “It’s true. Setting oneself apart as an innovator in today’s climate is less about looking forward, and more about looking backward at this point. My advice in-house here at Apple is to stop trying to be 2030, and start trying to be 1930. And as a result, we’re blowing minds. In fact, some of the changes we’re making to the next generation of iPhone’s are really going to shit on peoples’ dicks.”
Enter the “iPhone Rotary”, a retro-styled device that takes the handheld convenience of today’s smartphones, and retools it for a pre-WWII sensibility.
“It’s less about regressing technology,” explains Gregg, “and more about catering to fanatical left-wing expectations that we are throwing the country back a hundred years. If perception is reality then the screaming protestors who (finger quotes) “can’t stop crying” and are “so afraid” are bound appreciate the sense of validation being offered by this technology.”
“Our marketing team is currently experimenting with different campaign approaches to vilify the Trump administration as well as newly-appointed Justice Kavanaugh. Taglines like “1937 called, it wants its policy back” might be a little too on-the-nose, but we’re having some real fun with both sides of the aisle. On one hand, uber-right wing conservatives are wingnuts. on the other hand, whiny left-wing socialist wannabes are wastes of flesh. But hey, everyone loves the iPhone! So, whether you want to “Make America Great Again” or are fearful that we’ve “Become Less #Woke”, there’s an iPhone for you. And guess what, it’s gonna hurt the f*ck out of your fingers. Oh, just wait. Plus you’re going to have to remember phone numbers again. That is, until the next upgrade. It’s really an exciting (and super profitable) time to be here at Apple. Just wait for the first commercial. It consists solely of grainy, crackling still-shots taken on a Kodak Vigilant Six-20 camera set to the feel-good sounds of the Ziggy Elman Orchestra.”
And in a related story, a recent study shows that the majority of moderate Americans are Android users.
