Making Chicken Soup out of Chicken Sh*t: The Secret Genius Behind the Chevy Volt

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Chef making soup with chicken manure, TV with 2019 Chevy Volt in back

Detroit, MI – Do you think today’s automakers are producing vehicles with the unique needs and demands of the driver in mind? Or, do you think that consumers have simply grown content to accept whatever options are put in front of them? This is the question being asked as we edge towards the third decade of what we still think of as the new millennium. And in this secular crusade for automotive enlightenment, General Motors seems eager to be first to find the Holy Grail. Eager to test the waters of consumer enthusiasm over such innovative offerings as the 2019 Chevy Volt, the automotive giant has made a massive investment of time and resources.

GM representatives recently made their way around the country, working to identify which vehicle offerings were making the biggest impact in different sales territories. Their intent was to spend less time focusing on the actual sales numbers and refocus on the kinds of ground-level feedback that sales personnel were receiving when speaking with prospective car buyers. That information would then be reconciled against GM’s own strategies to determine whether or not their goals were aligned with the needs of today’s customers.

“The traditional means of doing this, of course, is through the organization of traditional focus groups,” explains GM Marketing Associate, Erin Helpraht. “That said, our findings were still too high-level to prove beneficial in terms of breaking our proverbial plates. So, we’ve employed a number of new strategies including hidden cameras and microphones placed in floor models, test-drive vehicles, and on dealership personnel to get a true, organic representation of what people are saying about our products.”

And according to Helpraht the findings have been enlightening, as hoped.

“One of the biggest revelations has been in regard to our hybrid and EV lineup. Our goal has always been to focus on innovation asserting our leadership in the ever-competitive race towards more sustainable transportation. We take great pride in this, presenting our Volt and Bolt EV offerings as some of the best in the industry. And yet, it would appear that perception differs from reality. In fact, if it’s true that perception IS reality, we’re not as far along as we’d thought we were in terms of shaping consumer opinion. Well, at least not according to,” she opens a file folder to find a name, “Brendan Porter, of Ashby MA.”

Meet Brendan Porter, (former Jeep, now) RAM Truck enthusiast and natural born enemy of all things “f*cking stupid”. A self-proclaimed trade-up artist, Porter has kept a revolving door of lifted vehicles in his driveway for the better part of eighteen months. Ranging from Wranglers, to seemingly contrary offerings from Porsche and Audi, his driveway has seen more diverse badging than that of a known crack-house. And yet, even with two newly-acquired RAM pickups in his possession, he still found himself window shopping at a local Chevy dealership. Walking past a Chevy Volt, he scoffed, and was recorded saying, “That’s f*cking stupid.”

“We considered this an immediate red flag, “ explains Helpraht. “We knew immediately, that Mr. Porter would offer unique insights that would be valuable to our design, engineering and marketing teams. What we didn’t realize is that he would spend most of the time demanding complimentary Beef Jerky, giggling at memes and yelling out, “Gayyyyyyyyyyyyy!”

According to the transcript of his conversation with Ms. Helpraht, “I have ducks. I love my ducks, even though they shit everywhere. You probably feel the same way about your lineup. You love all of your cars, even though they’re shit. The difference is your cars aren’t cool like duck-shit. They’re more like chicken shit…and you can’t make chicken soup out of chicken shit.”

While the casual reader might think that such input would prove less-than-ideal, it has inspired GM’s Innovation Team to revisit chicken manure as a sustainable energy source to offset the grid-based expense attached to their planned installation of charging stations. Whether or not that pans out, let it be known that Brendan Porter might just be the secret voice behind General Motors’ EV innovation in the years to come.

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