Does the Impala Feel Like it Was Dumped for a Colorado Mother of 5?

A man points towards a

Following hot on the heels of Ford’s announcement that they’d be purging their line of sedans to focus on building a refined lineup of crossovers, Chevy has followed suit with a similar strategy. And who could blame them? Based on sale numbers alone, it’s clear that the evolved expectations of today’s drivers prioritize eco-friendliness, versatility and safety above all else. And while performance vehicles will inevitably continue to follow the sedan design philosophy, there is no mistaking the fact that their days are otherwise numbered. Which leads us to wonder how the 2019 Chevy Impala is feeling…

Because it’s been six decades since the Impala first made its debut. And with little more than a brief pause in the late 1980’s and most of the 90’s, it’s proven to be one of the most dependable and non-threatening of Chevy’s iconic lineups. 

And now, it’s getting dumped, for what…a crossover? Quite literally the lowest component of the vehicular food chain, the crossover is what you get when you try to create a vehicle that pleases everyone – but settle for one that is simply non-threatening. With all the character of a rubber doorstop, crammed full of enough gizmos, doohickey’s, thingamabobs and whatchamacalums to pacify both your toddler and your elderly aunt with dementia, a crossover is as dependable as it comes. It’s anything you want it to be, and yet (at the same time) nothing that you wanted, all rolled into one.

That can’t be an easy pill to swallow for the Impala. Granted, it was never the flashiest vehicle around, but it tried really hard and deserved better than what it got. 

So, Impala, we love you…and always will. You’re kind of like the dependable if not shy girl that we went to high school with. That girl who barely made it on the cheerleading team, blurred into the background, but used extra care in applying glitter to the homecoming posters. That girl who disappeared for a few years after graduation, probably packed on a few ‘el-beez’, but went on to look super hot in pictures when she friended you on Facebook back in ’08. Remember her? That girl who married that Finnish contractor and had a beautiful home, but suddenly stopped posting family pictures aside from her three kids. The one who you suddenly realized was going through a divorce, before getting tanked on Fireball one night and Inboxing her about “meeting up sometime”, only to find out that she had gone ‘plain Jane’ and was now a raging democrat, but only after you’d gotten to third base in the hallway of a rooftop bar in Boston. Yeah. That night you got poutine from that street vendor. Sure, she got a little clingy afterwards but can you blame her? After all, her husband left her…and not for a younger, hotter girl either. She was left for a heavyset widow from Fort Collins, whose only value proposition was that she was open to butt-stuff. I think we all knew that girl, didn’t we?

That’s right, Impala. Even after you’re gone, we’ll always think of you fondly…just like we think of her.


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