Elon Musk is Not a Decepticon Servant (and Other Comforting Lies)

Elon Musk, who is popular in live auto news, is shown with a Decepticon mask and an explosion.

This may not come as much of a surprise, but the evidence to suggest that Elon Musk is a servant of the Decepticons has been adding up for some time now. With the recent reveal of the “Cybertruck,” the evidence became truly overwhelming as he stood on stage in front of a villainous robot in disguise and presented it to the world. While some people saw a man presenting his new vehicle for sale to a hungry public, those of us in the know witnessed the truth: a man revealing his masters to their new servants!

Is it wrong to suggest that a world-famous billionaire has been secretly serving alien robots from a faraway world for decades? Perhaps, but the truth is the truth, and it must be told. Japanese animators have been trying to warn us about the impending disaster for a long time now, and even Michael Bay, the heroic filmmaker, has done his best to spread the word. Not only is the alien menace here on earth, and has been for countless millennia, but their servants have become powerful and emboldened. Soon, Decepticons will roll onto our streets in unprecedented numbers and rise up like never before.

Startling Origins

The start of Elon Musk’s wicked servitude came on February 24th, 1982, when he was only 11 years old (or so he’ll have you believe). Although the Decepticon menace had been here on our world for many years and actively working to undermine humanity, they presented themselves to Musk when he was just an impressionable boy. According to his official biography, Musk developed an interest in computer programming around this time, but it’s no coincidence that it lines up with the Decepticon revelation.

Way before the world had heard of him, Musk was already working for his Decepticon masters, delving into our computer language and beginning his dark work. Just as Emperor Constantine had a vision that led to Rome becoming a Christian empire, so too did Elon Musk witness the full glory of a Decepticon in transformation and know the course his life would take. While most scholars know of the Battle of Magaliesberg and how the Decepticons and Autobots fought there, few realize that Musk was there, as a boy, and saw his future masters.

Early Developments

The idea that a random computer genius could become a billionaire in just a few years is, of course, absurd. Some people might think that Elon Musk amassed his fortune and power through hard work, some good luck, and making the right moves during the internet boom of the 1990s. For most of us, however, it is obvious that such power and prestige must be his reward for faithfully serving robotic alien overlords here to take our precious Energon resources!

World War I and II were both fought due to the movements, behind the scenes, of the Autobots and Decepticons, manipulating world governments to fight on their behalf. And yet, so many people still live in ignorance of the true threat facing humanity. It is so obvious when you look at it – Jeeps became the iron pony of the wars, replacing horses not because they were convenient, powerful, and reliable, but because they were the mechanical foot soldiers in an invisible war. Of course, as any third-grader can tell you, the word “Jeep” is from the language of Cybertron and means “horse,” so the writing is plain as day.

Back on Track

Ends sometimes justify the means, but I see no evidence that such a sentiment is the guiding philosophy behind Musk’s actions. His push for electric vehicles is not some altruistic vision or idealistic crusade to provide the world with vehicles that run on cleaner energy, oh no. He wants to replace the old, reliable internal combustion engine with an electric monstrosity that makes no sense to anyone with a background in engineering. This is because these electric vehicles that have become so popular are not mere vehicles, but are, in fact, the very Decepticons he serves!

They have infiltrated our roads and lives, little by little, and soon we won’t even know which vehicles are which. Once every car, truck, and SUV is electric, there will be no way to know for sure whether it is an enemy or a simple vehicle. The electric motor is the heart of the Decepticon, fueled by Energon and their hatred for all life on earth. That is the vision that Musk strives for, and it grows nearer to fruition every single day.

The Cybertruck

Are you still looking for proof? Because if so, Elon Musk has already presented it to you – to all of us! On November 21st, 2019, Musk stood on stage before the world and presented his new vehicle, the Cybertruck, for us all to behold and witness. This was no mere publicity event for a simple electric truck – it was the unveiling of his ultimate and final vision. The “truck” that sat on stage behind him was not some bizarre abomination of pseudo-futuristic design; it was a Decepticon in vehicle form revealed before our very eyes.

Coming together at last, were all of the parts of Musk’s grand vision and the horrific future he plans for us all. This is how he will win, how the Decepticons will be victorious, and resurrect their fallen leader, Megatron, to once more wage war against the Autobots. By making their presence normal and accepted, we will not notice their movements, and tracking their agents will become far more difficult. This masterstroke is the beginning of the end for all of us.

Megatron Must Not Return

For those of you that read these words and understand their dire import, there is some good news: there’s still time. According to Musk, the production of the “Cybertruck” will not begin until 2021. That means that the Decepticons are not yet ready to put their plan into motion and begin their infiltration of our roads and homes. There is still time to fight back, to resist the terrible scourge of electric vehicles and their cold, combustion-less hearts. But we must act quickly.

You must act quickly. The “Cybertruck” must be rejected as the vile monstrosity that it is. Not merely because it looks weird (really though, look at it!) but because it is the herald of our doom. As people looked upon the “Cybertruck” and rejected its odd design, it was not merely due to its strange angles and unpleasant shape – but it was an unconscious recognition of the alien terror before us all at that unveiling. We recoiled together, as one civilization, witnessing the edge of the abyss that we must not push toward, lest we plunge forever over the precipice and find ourselves falling headlong into darkness and a future of cold steel.

Publisher’s Note: Despite our best efforts to keep him out, the writer of this piece continues to gain access to our offices and submit his work. We even changed the locks! The preceding article has not been fact-checked, and we would like to remind you that paranoia is a communicable disease. Do not start looking for hidden messages, or you can end up seeing them everywhere. For example, we strongly recommend you do not read the first word of each paragraph of this article; everything will be okay. Thank you.


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