In terms of overall sales, Ford trucks sit head and shoulders above the offerings of (pretty much) every other automaker out there. As of Q3 of 2019, the F-Series was reported to have moved 214,176 units. RAM (which had managed to beat out sales of the Chevy Silverado for most of the year) came in second but did so with only 161,635 units. That’s a big difference, proving that no-one’s ready to challenge Ford for the Pickup Crown quite yet.
That said, Tesla has finally thrown their hat into the ring, hoping to chip away at some market share. And while it unlikely that the upstart automaker poses any kind of ‘real threat’ to the F-Series, they have beat Ford to the punch in terms of releasing an EV pickup.
It’s been nearly two months since Elon Musk and the team at Tesla revealed their long-awaited Cybertruck to the world. While some consumers were all too eager to drop the $100 deposit to gain the bragging rights of acquiring one of these game-changing vehicles, others seemed less enthralled, preferring to criticize the truck’s divisive, sci-fi inspired architecture.
But regardless of whether you like the Cybertruck or hate it, Tesla seems to have been the one to plant their flag first, beating out the likes of both Ford and Rivian (at least in terms of preorders). However, we can expect both that both the Rivian R1T and the EV F-150 will follow closely behind in terms of the release schedule, especially since both companies have partnered in developing shared technologies. And now, it appears as though they’re feeling the pressure – and desperate times call for desperate measures.
How well do you remember the events of September 20, 2019? Some of our readers might have been among those who made a Naruto Run to White Sands, New Mexico, for the Facebook event known as ‘Storm Area 51, They Can’t Stop All of Us.’ The intent was to storm the iconic United States Air Force facility that conspiracy theorists, UFO enthusiasts, and pop culture in general associate with rumors of extraterrestrial coverups by the U.S. Military.
Created by a 21-year old California man named Matty Roberts, the viral event had tempted over two million RSVP’s. This number was deflated to around 6,000 actual attendees, and the event ended up being little more than a heavily-costumed, pharmaceutically enhanced EDM rave in the desert. If you were among those 6,000 attendees, be sure to comment below. And if you want to make fun of those 6,000 attendees, well, be sure to comment below.
But for the rest of you, here’s a closer look at the Raid on Area 51 courtesy of our (bastard) sister publication, the so-called “Washington Post.”
And while the event may not have paid off in the way that some people had wished, one can’t help but wonder, “what if nothing was found because the evidence had already been removed?” Now listen, we’re not implying that the government had removed evidence of alien arrivals or testing of alien subjects. We’re simply raising one question and one question alone: if the Tesla Cybertruck is the automotive equivalent of The Terminator, isn’t it possible that Ford and Rivian might show an interest in enhancing their own EV pickups by reverse engineering alien tech?
It’s a fair question (and not just because my mostly excommunicated co-worker Rutherfjord Von Gourdboddum slipped me some edibles at 8:45 AM on a Monday). As an avid reader, I know damn well that the most effective means of destroying an armada of merciless T-1000 Terminator units is to recruit an army of reptilian alien hunters known as Predators.
Ford enthusiasts will be quick to confirm the precedent of the Predator package, a turnkey conversion that had previously been made available for the Ford F-150. And now it appears that Ford might be looking to take that concept to the next level. And by “the next level,” we mean hybridizing human and alien elements to create a cybernetic powertrain powerful enough to destroy the bulletproof exterior of the Cybertruck.
According to our crack team of researchers (ie: Rutherfjord with the edibles), “It’s a well-established fact that in 1963 the United States government covered up an alien landing in Dallas, TX, by killing President Kennedy. And any schoolchild knows that the Treloarian ship, which carried four members of a hive-mind warrior race, was relocated to the Area 51 facility where its biological-based technologies were dissected and have now become the basis of today’s EV technologies. But what people might not realize is that Henry Ford II had actually worked out a deal with the U.S. government in 1966, acquiring certain rights to the alien technologies in exchange for his willingness to challenge Ferrari at Le Mans to distract the American public from the highly-secretive early days of the Vietnam War. Internal sketches of the Treloarians would inspire the Predator movies and comics. And now, it appears that the ship’s propulsion systems, as well as its ‘amorphous, living shell’ will be used to create the next EV F-150, to help set it apart from the R1T, and lay waste to the Cybertruck.”
(Above) An unverified image of an alleged alien present at the Kennedy assassination
(Below) A similar image taken at Le Mans with an alien depicted in the background, behind Henry Ford.
Will Ford be countering Tesla’s efforts using extraterrestrial technologies negotiated away from our shadow government. It’s an interesting theory, to say the least. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my time at The Lemon, it’s this. Never argue the credibility of the man who gives you your drugs.
Publishers Note: We no longer know what the f**k is going on. No matter what we do, Rutherfjord Von Gourdboddum manages to sneak into our office. We assure you that he has not distributed drugs to ALL of our staff and that once again, none of this has been fact-checked.