There’s an unseen underbelly of Kia Motors Corp., the South Korean automobile company known for its reliable, attractive, and, most of all, safe vehicles. But how safe are we when we step into a Kia? The company has recently unveiled the 2021 Kia Stinger, and frankly, we were surprised at what we found.
Unveiling the 2021 Stinger
Just ask a salesperson at Kia, smiling through gritted teeth, about the 2021 Stinger, and they’d tell you about its bold, sporty design and available high-performance V6 engine. They may also try to rope you in with its amazing infotainment system, luxury-level interiors, and low MSRP. At first glance, the Kia 2021 Stinger seems like the perfect sports car for drivers on a budget.
That is, until we found the truth of the matter. Our team of sleuths at The Lemon strapped on our latex catsuits and went in. First, we infiltrated Kia’s headquarters in Seoul armed with our best wire cutters, grappling hooks, those things that cut holes in glass, and black under-eye makeup.
But while some of us were hard at work spying on Kia’s efficient auto production factory full of robots and engineers hard at work, another brave blogger conned his way into a Kia board of directors meeting. Dressed in a tweed suit and fake mustache, an anonymous member of our team sat in on the schemes and decision-making that may make us all suffer. Their findings were nothing short of staggering.
The rest of us nabbed a few confidential documents on our way out of Kia property, and suddenly, a seemingly innocuous group of bloggers became Kia’s biggest PR nightmare. That’s because we’ve unveiled the truth behind the 2021 Stinger––and, while we’re at it, the rest of Kia’s lineup. We’re rounding up the top things that Kia doesn’t want you to know about its very vicious vehicles.
The Inspiration Behind the Kia Stinger
Are you curious as to where Kia found the inspiration to craft its most sinister vehicle to date, the 2021 Stinger? The answer is clear: those menacing arachnids, scorpions. Cruel, bloodborne killers of the night, creepiest of creepy crawlies, and wanton killers with a curated taste for human flesh. Scorpions are among the most feared creatures of the wild.
And what are their most distinguishing features? It’s not that satisfying crunch when you bite into a roasted scorpion, relishing in the delight of hunting the hunter; it’s their stinger. So what would make Kia take note of a scorpion’s fiercest weapon, a painfully penetrating poison injector that can down a full-grown man? Kia must be full of cruel intentions, and they may be as creepy-crawly as the beasts they study.
In fact, our spies have uncovered a secret dossier full of rejected, possible names for the 2021 Stinger’s trim packages; they include the Shark Attack, the Alligator Chomp, the Skunk Spray, and the most vicious of all…the Cat Claw. Instead of these more obviously threatening names, we got the GT, GT1, and GT2. These upgraded models may have superior drivetrains and luxury features, but they’re also misleading. Perhaps GT actually stands for “Great Tragedy.”
What About Other Kia Models?
The 2021 Stinger isn’t the only car in the Kia lineup with a pernicious name. Have you ever thought of what the popular mid-size SUV, the Sorento, is named after? Sorento comes from the Italian word for “sunlit place.” Think hard about this one because it’s subtly unnerving. Examples of sunlit places include such frightening settings as graveyards, ditches, abandoned playgrounds, and toxic waste facilities.
What about the new Kia Soul? It’s very likely to steal your soul! Perhaps Kia was smart enough to name this vehicle after its fuel source: the souls of the innocent (what excellent fuel economy, though).
Lastly, consider Kia’s top-of-the-line luxury sedan: the K900. K9 is obviously code for dogs, specifically attack dogs like Doberman pinschers. Now imagine 900 attack dogs! The K900 is designed to rend the flesh from bones as it sears down the city streets. Kia has, unbeknownst to all of us, planted vicious vehicles on all our streets. One can’t help but wonder: When do they all assume attack formation?
Built-In Features
Back to the 2021 Stinger, which is the most offensive in Kia’s new lineup. Take a gander at its terrifying features, starting with its exterior body. Its sharp, aerodynamic shape doesn’t just cut through the air; it slides irritating papercuts into all who touch it. The front grill, meanwhile, is designed with a seemingly innocuous dotted design that actually conceals several sharp blades honed to flay all who encounter it. No bug, leaf, twig, or tire shard is safe from its skin-piercing edges.
As for lighting, its automatic high beam headlamps have an uncontrollable, spontaneous setting that causes it to dispel blinding light so severe it can melt a traffic sign. Safety features like automatic emergency braking and pedestrian protection shouldn’t ease your worries either. Because the Stinger also has an opposing feature that may take over: pedestrian seeking. Don’t expect your 2021 Stinger to listen to you when its bloodlust takes over. At this point, you aren’t its driver, but its helpless witness.
Nothing could be worse, though, than its infotainment center, less a gateway to all of your music and navigation needs and more a nightmarish sentient robot––like something out of 2001: A Space Odyssey or WALL-E. Sure, it may have an available 8-inch touchscreen display so you can control your settings and stream audio from your smartphone, but have you considered that the infotainment device controls you? Scientists and medical experts are still studying its mental effects, but there may be some type of hypnosis or mind control at play.
For example, many Kia drivers report a sense of addictiveness to their cars, and the effects may be even worse for the 2021 Stinger. Drivers report dependence on driving, stating that they can’t go to work or go home at the end of the day without driving their Kia. Some can’t even access food at the grocery store or their finances at the local bank without getting into their Kia first. That’s not just enjoying the drive; that’s full-blown dependence as if a private vehicle is more of a necessity than a luxury.
There are other concerning details about the new Stinger, like its advanced suspension that relies on such powerfully advanced springs that it can eject an unwanted driver. Should the Stinger be dissatisfied with your driving habits or just not vibe with you, it will quickly eject you and all passengers through the available moonroof before spinning out on its own, likely back to the Kia headquarters where it can plot against its next victim. Our records show that up to one person has already fallen victim to this strategy, and up to one more may fall victim by the end of next year.
Should You Buy a Kia?
For all of Kia’s well-known safety features, one can’t help but wonder: Who are the Kias actually keeping safe? Are they designed to help protect us or protect themselves from us? The answers are unclear. As we continue to decipher the data we’ve mined from Kia’s headquarters, we will continue to update you about the monstrous feats of engineering they have yet in store. But for now, the 2021 Kia Stinger seems to be the most threatening yet.
Unsuspecting Americans may make this one of Kia’s most popular sedans to-date, and with attractive driving performance, the latest technology, and advanced safety features built right in, it’s easy to see why. But should you choose to drive the 2021 Stinger, remember to put your safety first. Treat your vehicle like a trusted companion, but be prepared to enact defense measures if necessary. One of the best ways to punish a misbehaving vehicle? At The Lemon, we recommend leaving your Stinger parked under a tree, preferably if it’s bird mating season.
