Food Truck Community Rejects “Phallus-Obsessed” Culinarian

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Food truck chef, phallic condiment containers, bearded man eating

Ah, Food Trucks…the last vestiges of hope for NYC chefs-lacking-startup-capital, and for brewery-visiting-day-drinkers craving gyros in Albuquerque, NM. With little more than an online search for “used trucks for sale” and a loan from their parents, Johnson & Wales graduates can embrace the opportunity to share their culinary aspirations with the world.

What do you like? Louisiana-inspired BBQ? Nepalese Pierogi? Hemp-infused Fish Tacos? More options in terms of penis meat? Whatever your stomach is looking for, be it 11:45 on a workday, or after a long night of dancing, food trucks are the way to go. Wait…did we say, penis meat?

And therein lies the reason why the Sturrow Park Food Truck Association in Worcester, MA has decided to exclude Richard “Dicks” Dixon, owner of DICK’S FOOD WORLD from its organization. Offering a diverse menu of dishes, it was recently discovered that the primary protein used in all of Dixon’s menu items, was actual penis meat.

“There were a few hints along the way that his truck didn’t meet our family-friendly image,” explains association chairperson, David “Pops” McGann. “First, I had falsely assumed that the food truck was named after him. He then explained to me, in a very uncomfortable manner, that the sign-maker had included the apostrophe (in DICK’s) in error. Apparently, it was meant to be plural, not possessive. Then, there was his choice of condiment containers. Considering the range of novelty items out there, they might very well be mustard and ketchup containers. Then again, he might have simply hollowed out red and yellow…well, you know…adult ‘items’ that rhyme with ‘hildos.’”

He was talking about dildos.

And yes, Richard “Dicks” Dixon, had in fact hollowed out a red and yellow dildo for use as ketchup and mustard dispensers. “It was totally on-brand for me,” explained Dixon. “Food trucks are all about branding and differentiating yourself from other trucks. Sure, a big part of my approach was using only the finest free-range penis meat, but kitschy little things like the dildo dispensers really added that flair which said, in no uncertain terms, ‘come see what I’m about”.

He was about dick-meat.

Which raises the question, how exactly does one go about securing the finest free-range penis meat? In fact, saying that question out-loud seems to trigger a number of other more pressing questions, such as: what kind of penis meat? How does penis-meat become classified as ‘free-range’? and what’s this guy’s deal with penis meat in the first place?

According to Dixon, the answers (in order) are (i) the dark web (ii) mostly Spanish (iii) no fences and (iv) you’d understand if you tried it.

So, here we are. Excommunicated from Sturrow Park, Dixon now parks his food truck outside a failing dance club relying on exhausted and functionally-impaired to mistake his cuisine for Italian sausages. If they ask, he just smiles and tells them, “Not Italian. Mostly Spanish.”

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