To: The Editor
Fr: A Concerned Parent
Praise the Lord for internet search histories. As the God-fearing mother of a 15-year old boy, I recently became aware of my son’s interest in acquiring illegal narcotics. How did I find out? Simply by monitoring his internet use and understanding that kids refer to drugs using nonsensical slang.
Mary Jane. Nose Candy. Tweak. Molly. Beans. Snappers. Drone. Wicked X. Skag. Skippy. Bernice. Joker. YaYa. Kush. Rojo. Whizz. Scooby Snacks. Mexican Brown. Discorama. Cat Valium. These are just some of the nicknames given to popular (yet dangerous) recreational drugs, currently being used by America’s youth. Wake up…it’s Satan’s Code, y’all.
As parents, we’ve all said it (at least to ourselves) “Not my kid!”. Unless, of course, you’re Tiffany-Lynne Montrose’s parents. That girl’s a filthy tramp, spreading Satan’s will as fast as she can spread her legs. Unfortunately, these kind of narcotics are just as common in small towns and rural areas as they are in city alleyways. And the use of slang-based nicknames, such as those listed above, makes it easier to mask any conversations or text messages from suspicion.
With this in mind, it’s easy for parents to be suspicious. In fact, I’m here to argue that it’s important that we are suspicious. As parents, we must be ever-vigilant, observant and familiar with evolution of drug-related terminology.
When I learned that my son has performed extensive online searches for Ford Dealers in OH, I knew that I must be dealing with a serious drug whose reach extends well outside of our state. My husband tried to convince me that our boy was simply researching vehicles that he might consider buying for when he received his license. I told him, that’s was bull-tikki. He’s too young to be thinking about cars, or girls (especially that damn whore Tiffany-Lynne Montrose) but it’s never too early to talk about drugs. Needless to say, my husband is a damned moron. The Good Lord never saw fit to bless him with much of anything…our son was clearly acting upon the whispered promises of Lucifer himself.
But before I could confront our boy, I had to make sure that I did my homework on this damn street poison. Since most of the local kids know me (they call me “Crazy Jesus Freak” because I’m just nuts about the Lord), I had my neighbor Jo-Marie drive me over the town line to Boston Township. That’s right; I took my investigation of this filthy ‘Ford’ drug straight to Helltown.
For anyone unaware of Helltown OH, it’s pretty much where Satan lives. But I’m one of God’s soldiers cloaked in the blood of Christ, so there’s no place on Earth that I need fear. I just figured if I was going to learn about this new form of devil’s candy what better place to seek out the truth than at the edge of a Hellmouth.
Unfortunately, Helltown is mostly abandoned. So, I came back home to Cuyahoga Falls and decided that I’d better just confront my son. I told him, “You need to stop messing around with that Ford. There is no room for sinner’s in the Lord’s house, and I want you to be so full of Christ that if a mosquito bites you, it flies away singing ‘There is Power in the Blood’!”
In all fairness, he seemed confused. It turns out that there’s no such thing as a drug called ‘Ford.’ He explained to me that he was, in fact, researching vehicles that he might want to buy since he was almost old enough for his license. He was even thinking about asking out Tiffany-Lynne Montrose.
Dear Lord help us all.