Just recently, Ford wowed the world with a demonstration of the raw power their still officially unrevealed electric F-150 pickup has. The electric truck proved it has the towing power needed to compete with conventional Ford trucks for sale by towing a pair of railroad cars filled with standard F-150 models. As some everyday-Joe, blue-collar workers looked on and gawked in amazement, the electric F-150 hauled more than one million pounds of weight behind it in a display of great power.
But what happened next will shock you!
First, to fully appreciate the complex nature of Ford’s big showcase, you need to understand something important: towing capacity is the only thing that matters to truck owners. They don’t care about fancy pants features like multiple speakers, remote start, or dual-zone climate controls. Safety is no concern to the modern truck owner – words like “blind spot monitoring” and “automatic emergency braking” are as meaningless as the wild screaming of 17 monkeys driving a golf cart to the red-blooded truck buyer.
Towing capacity is king, and so the only way to sell a truck to people is to show how much weight it can pull. But this is the 21st Century, dammit, so we don’t want to see a bunch of boats or campers getting towed by trucks to prove their worth. What we really want to see is a truck pulling some bizarre amount of weight in a fashion that is as meaningless as it is over the top.
The big display of the electric F-150 started reasonably enough – though you won’t see this part in the recorded version. To showcase its raw power and towing capacity, Ford engineers started by having it tow a rotisserie chicken. Then, as a way to one-up their own display, they had it haul two rotisserie chickens, then a third, and so on; soon more than a dozen rotisserie chickens were being pulled, at high speed, by the incredible electric dynamo!
Just when we thought we had seen it all, they put pants on the rotisserie chickens and towed them again. Now I’m not talking about soft, silk pants or stylish slacks – these were rugged, durable, heavy denim jeans that they tailored to these golden-roasted chickens. We thought we had seen it all, such a romantic display that harkens back to the fond, misty memories we all have of local chicken-truck pulls. But Ford had barely begun…
The Big Show
Next up, Ford showed off the towing power of their electric F-150 by towing some other stuff – I don’t remember what. Cardboard cutouts of Star Trek characters, maybe? I don’t know. But then they got to the railroad cars, pulling them along the road. Well, not the road, actually they were pulling them on the train tracks. I’m sure it’s merely a coincidence that the coefficient of friction for railcars on tracks is incredibly low, making it very easy for a powerful pickup to pull an absurd amount of weight – but that had nothing to do with their display.
After pulling the railroad cars and other various vehicles, Ford continued their demonstration by strapping the electric truck to a large building. We all watched in awe as the truck struggled, at first, and then broke through, hauling the building off its foundations. There were screams and cries from the unfortunate workers inside as the building slid along the road, grinding and setting the street on fire in its wake. We cheered and applauded the bravery of these Ford developers – the power to tow a building would soon be within truck-lovers’ reach.
That’s when they started loading up flatbed trailers with whales. Full-grown whales, bellowing their mournful love songs in the cool, winter sunlight as the Ford electric F-150 silently began to pull them. Dozens of whales, each looking on with admiration at the works of mankind, rode in flatbed trailers down the mid-afternoon street. One of these aquatic brothers raised a powerful fin and gave me a high-five as it passed – clearly, he will be pre-ordering an electric pickup as soon as they’re available.
We were sold – all of us there in attendance were ready to place an order, get in line, and wait to receive the bounty of Ford’s development. And yet, there was even more to come. We watched as they connected several great lengths of chain to a gooseneck hitch on the truck’s bed, each chain ending in a hook. Massive hooks that looked like they were designed to scale the shoulders of some ancient, colossal, pagan deity capped off these chains.
Before our very eyes, these hooks were secured deep in the roots of the earth, alongside the very tectonic plates that shift and slide across vast geological ages to form the shape of our world. We held our breath and watched – the wheels began to turn, the truck strained, but with a moment’s effort, it lurched forward. A man beside me gasped and wept as the electric pickup began to drag the enormous plate of the earth itself, forward. Earthquakes roared across dozens of cities, new volcanoes formed in the distant ocean, spewing forth their glorious magma, and creating unseen island masses far from the shore. The land shook and quivered as Ford demonstrated its mastery over nature.
Then it happened…
The hooks held firm as the electric F-150 from Ford tested its bonds to the very world itself. There was a moment where everything seemed frozen in time, an instant for humanity to regret its hubris, and then the world began to move. Despite what logic and scientific reason tell us should be possible, the electric truck began to tow the world itself away from its primordial path around the sun. We couldn’t believe our eyes, and yet it was happening.
In a demonstration of automotive dominance, none of us will soon forget, the Ford e-F-150 pulled and strained, and the earth shifted further from the sun. The sky began to darken as we were pulled away from our star and toward the gloom of void. Everything grew colder as millions of miles spread out between us and where our world had been just a few minutes before. The acceleration continued, and soon the sun itself was little more than another distant star on the umbral canvas of our sky – another pinprick of light lost among the dazzling myriad of a million others.
Back to the Beginning
And yet, Ford’s engineers were not done. As we watched, the electric F-150 took hold of reality itself and towed us backward, not in space toward the sun, but in time back to before the demonstration. We watched as the glorious new pickup pulled us all through time, everything around us moving in hazy trails of unfolding reality that shifted and sputtered like a rotating tesseract until we were once more positioned where and when we had been before. Then Ford went on with its presentation again as if nothing had happened – but this time, they only towed the railroad-cars-full-of-trucks thing.
But those of us who were there: we remember.
Editor’s Note: We reached out to Ford for verification about whether the upcoming electric F-150 can, in fact, tow reality and space-time itself. As of yet, they have not responded. However, when confronted with this, the writer of this piece assured us they had responded, only to tow us back to before the response. We tried to argue this point, but the writer’s use of future-past-imperfect tense left us with headaches, so we’re not going to push the point. Thank you.