Head of Auto Industry is an A-hole!

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Greta Thunburg is at a conference for the ASSHOLE group to discuss the 2020 Ford Ranger vs 2020 Nissan Frontier.

Fuel economy is one of the most important aspects of a vehicle to a lot of potential car-buyers – and the auto industry is paying attention. When you’re looking to compare a couple of cars like the 2020 Ford Ranger vs 2020 Nissan Frontier or any other model out there, you probably look at the gas mileage to get a sense of how they’ll impact your wallet while you own them. Recently, Charbles Mukduk, one of the leading figures in the American auto industry, made some statements and revealed a new vehicle that is making headlines.

Although we don’t yet know which manufacturer is behind this exciting new vehicle, the honesty that has come along with its announcement is certainly refreshing. I, for one, welcome our automotive leaders and policy-makers with open arms in the sincere hopes that they not be dragged into the streets and eaten by wild dogs.

The Big Announcement

The big announcement from Mr. Mukduk came last Wednesday at a press conference held in the lobby of the large and impressive building that houses his company. Although I was too hungover at the time to properly work a tape recorder, the following is as close to a transcript of the announcement as you deserve.

“Thank you, all of you, for coming here today for the limited information I’m going to reveal and the greedy way in which you will all devour it. As you know, many people are concerned about the environment and the impact that cars have upon it, which is to say minimal impact, of course. That being said, since people seem to care, we wanted to pretend to also give a damn about all of you and the empty, pointless lives you lead.”

“So today we are proud to announce the 2021 Greta, an economical and environmental supercar that will blaze a bold new trail in the field of us acting as we care about anything other than money. I don’t remember which of the manufactures that we’re associated with is making it, but it doesn’t really matter anyway. The 2021 Greta is named in honor of… [at this point, Mr. Mukduk looked at his notes thoughtfully for several minutes, then continued] …someone; I don’t actually care enough to remember or look into it further. But I’m assured by our marketing, public relations, and consumer deception departments that you’ll all get it and eat it up like the filthy vermin you are. Feel free to applaud now.”

[Applause for what felt like several hours] “Yes, very good, now shut up, I’m not done talking. I’m told we were working on a vehicle that would offer truly spectacular gas mileage. Fuel economy that would utterly eclipse anything else on the market, but we realized if we distracted you all enough, it wouldn’t really matter anyway. So the 2021 Greta gets something… Who cares? You’ll buy it because we tell you to.”

“As the President of the Automotive Society for Spurious Hypocritical Oligarchs Legitimizing Evil or ASSHOLE, I just want to assure you that I will continue to pretend to care about the things that interest you for as long as it serves me to do so. All of us assholes are incredibly proud of the work we have done and the things we have accomplished in expanding and growing our portfolios and personal net worths. A statement will be released to follow with pertinent information, and there will be no questions.”

Mr. Mukduk then belched loudly, scratched himself, gave us all the finger, and walked away.

The 2021 Greta

Little information was revealed about the 2021 Greta, as you can see, though the press release did include a few more details. I will say this: from what I’ve seen, this looks to be a real turning point for the industry. As an industry insider with my finger on the pulse of what’s happening, I can say that my opinion on this subject is definitely based on what’s best for you, the reader, and not the interests of car companies that pay me. You can trust me. After all, you’re reading this on the internet, and if you can’t trust the internet, then what can you trust?

Fuel economy for the 2021 Greta is sure to be super good and not just a minimal improvement over previous models. Although, this doesn’t actually make any impact on our voracious rate of fossil fuel consumption. If it happens to have some sort of alternative engine or power source, that will undoubtedly be produced in facilities using green energy for a low carbon footprint, and not ultimately produce more pollution and waste to make than conventional engines. Why would it? That would be absurd.

For whom the vehicle could be named after, in a cheap ploy to appeal to emotion and hope we don’t notice them pocketing billions while we pay for medical procedures with “thoughts and prayers,” I can only guess. I’m sure it’s their way of making sure we know they care about the fact that the world is very nearly on fire, and not just an attempt to distract us with something shiny while our species fades into extinction. Bless them all.

Press Release Below

“From ASSHOLE headquarters:

Announcing the 2021 Greta, a car made to shut you up and show you that we care. No, for real, just look at the fantastic fuel economy it gets: EPA estimates not yet available. But it will definitely offer excellent gas mileage, and you can believe us because we’re the ones that made it, so why would we lie? Plus, look at the name – trustworthy, right? Just like us!

It will also have a really powerful engine with impressive horsepower and torque numbers – maybe some super low 0-60 time to round out the hand waving we’re doing. We were talking internally, and we’re going to put more touchscreens in it too. Like four? Yeah four, no five, FIVE TOUCHSCREENS! Those are pretty cheap at this point and ultimately kind of useless other than for a few things, but they’re shiny and seem really impressive so you can make your friends think you’re better than them. Sound good? Good.

You’re not reading this anyway – you’re just going to wait for someone else on a website to read it, latch onto a few key details, and then parse that for you to see. That’s all you care about, flashy headlines and a few specs. So here you go:

  • Estimated Horsepower: 1,000
  • Estimated Torque: 80,085 lb-ft.
  • Estimated Fuel Economy: 100 MPG City; 300 MPG Highway

Impressive right? Just remember: we won’t actually demonstrate that we care through our actions, but instead say it loud enough in the hopes that you’ll notice and believe our inane rhetoric. But really, who are we kidding? If you won’t look up from your phones long enough to give a damn about your children murdering each other, why would you bother to actually read any of this? The 2021 Greta will launch whenever we feel like it.”

A donkey is in a well.

Editor’s Note: “But, as to myself, having been wearied out for many years with offering vain, idle, visionary thoughts, and at length utterly despairing of success, I, fortunately, fell upon this proposal.” Thank you.

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