GM to Sacrifice Human Children for Favorable Chevy Equinox Sales

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A candle is shown near a certified pre-owned Equinox dealer.

In the 1973 film, The Wicker Man, a devout Christian policeman visits a remote location near Scotland. The island is inhabited by Pagans, who are looked upon as savage and barbaric. What follows is a clash of wills and beliefs, culminating in the alleged protagonist of the film being burned alive in a towering statue made of wicker. The reason for this sacrifice is the continuous decay of vegetation on the island. A human sacrifice is needed to bring the crops back in time for the harvest. It was just a movie, right? Well, yes, but as we’ve seen many times, art has an odd way of imitating life. To supporters and fans of GM, and Chevrolet in particular, some recent news has been announced that might seem controversial but certainly holds true to the “outside-the-box” thinking the manufacturer has been known for.

For the many Certified Pre-Owned Equinox dealer locations across the country who have seen their newer inventory dwindle in the wake of a worldwide microchip shortage, a new solution has been proposed by GM CEO Mary Berra. “For centuries, the druids and other pagan groups kept the harvest plentiful and the seasons favorable by satisfying the desire of their gods for flesh and blood. GM has always strived to be the best in what we offer our customers. No one asked for the microchip shortage or continued rise in fuel prices. But to show our dedication to the millions of struggling consumers, GM will sacrifice a newborn child to appease the gods who govern the automotive industry.” Berra then concluded the statement by announcing that she is not merely the CEO of GM but is now “Bloody Mary the Barbarian Queen.” And as such, her decree that blood must flow has been set in stone.

Jack Danielson, the executive who oversees the daily operations of the NHTSA (National Highway and Traffic Safety Administration), is opposed to “Bloody Mary’s” proclamation of human sacrifice. However, he says that while he finds the idea detestable, he respects the practice and beliefs of every faith and religion in the United States. “At the NHTSA, we pride ourselves on being completely objective in the tests we run on vehicles to provide transparency with consumers about how safe vehicles are. It would be a grave move of hypocrisy if we were to trample upon the religious freedoms of GM’s newly appointed barbarian queen. We must hold ourselves accountable by observing the rights of every American.” Danielson then went on to mention that while the actions are disagreeable, no law forbids child sacrifice for the benefit of the automotive industry. “

GM has been quick to take advantage of the loophole in the legal system and draft an official policy for how sacrificial offerings will be selected. A press release on the Chevy website has a lot of legal red tape, and we’ve done our best to break down the process in the simplest terms possible. “On the first night of the full moon, a chicken shall have its neck slit with the sacrificial knife made from a discarded nameplate of a Silverado 1500. The names of potential children whose honor it will be to be sacrificed will be placed in the path of the chicken. When the animal passes out from blood loss, the name of who the body falls upon will be selected and summoned to the altar and sacrificed to appease the gods who watch over the sacred bow tie of Chevrolet.” With the next full moon scheduled to appear in two weeks, we can only imagine that Bloody Mary the Barbarian Queen, intends to see this ritual through.

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