Have You Driven a Ford Lately?

An old parchment is showing the signed Ford charter.

There are things beyond our understanding in this universe. Quantum mechanics, the name of the girl sitting beneath the mountains, and the Ford Motor Company. It doesn’t matter to me whether you’re looking for a Ford dealership near you, you’re just interested in our reality, or you clicked this link by mistake while looking for pornography, today you’re going to learn something.

So sit down (if you’re already sitting, then stand up and then sit back down dammit), get comfortable (if you’re already comfortable, then why are you reading this?), and get ready to expand your understanding of the universe around you. You’re going to learn some truth today whether you like it or not. And in the end, you’ll have a much better awareness of consciousness, the Ford Motor Company, and your own place in the nihilistic chain of cause and effect that brought you into this world and will inevitably take you back out of it.

The Founding – 1408 AD

Most “reputable” sources will tell you that the Ford Motor Company started in 1903; but these are the same small-minded fools that will tell you Columbus came to America in 1492 or that this great nation was officially founded in 1776. Those of you with real insight already know these dates are so much nonsense, and the same is true for when the Ford Motor Company began. Its roots, its true roots, go back to – as far as my own research has discerned – 1408 AD in the small town of Wychscross along the Rhine near the upper Schwartzwald.

An old bearded man is holding up a beaker half full of liquid.

It was in that place, in that year, that Asmodeus Edward Ford began his works in the field of alchemy and “transfiguration of base matter.” Some sources indicate that he founded his company, at that time called the Ford Matter Company, in the late hours of Walpurgisnacht of that year. There is a tremendous amount of debate concerning this amongst scholars, however, so I will not bet my reputation on it.

One thing that every source agrees upon is this: Ford was primarily interested in ways to turn different types of matter into each other. There was, of course, the typical pursuit of transfiguring lead into gold; but he seemed to be just as concerned with changing iron into aluminum, silver into platinum, and zinc into a material he referred to as “Asmodeum,” though no modern text describes exactly what that arcane element might have been.

Early Works and Inspiration – 1474-1709 AD

After Asmodeus Ford’s death in 1473, his company continued under the leadership of his eldest daughter. I would like to provide you with her name, but apparently, all records of it were destroyed after she was put to death for witchcraft in the year 1505 AD. Over the 200 years that followed her death, the Ford Company was handed down from generation to generation within the family.

A witch is chained to a large wooden log surrounded by a crowd of people.

During this time, there was still a very clear focus on alchemy and striving toward the transformation of matter. According to one text (only three copies of it are known to still exist: two in private collections, and one in the [Redacted] Library available by reservation only) that I was able to look through, there were a number of successes in this area. They developed a material we would now generally recognize as rubber, found ways to shift one type of metal into another, and, based on one particularly curious chapter of the text, a Mrs. Crowdely Hanover Ford was able to live to 143 years of age. Clearly, they were onto something.

The Floundering – 1723-1902 AD

That is, of course, until the whole thing came crashing down upon them. Much as her ancestor had been, Mrs. Crowdely Ford was put to death for witchcraft in 1717 (though in a much less infamous trial). After her death, the Ford Material Company (as it had now become known) was passed on to her eldest son. Unfortunately for everyone involved, her son – a young man named Tullinger Ford, was utterly disinterested in the legacy of his family’s work.

Tullinger Ford is depicted in an old painting.

According to extant sources, Tullinger Ford was a poet renowned for composing some of the most derivative and uninspired poetry of the era. Had he been born 100 years later, he could’ve, perhaps, been inspired by the works of poets such as Lord Byron, Shelley, and Coleridge. Sadly, he lacked such impressive talent amongst his friends, and so his works were generally overlooked and poorly received.

His disinterest in the Ford Company seemed to pass to his descendants as well, on through several generations. By the mid 1850s, there was little more than a single person working for the company, with little-to-no direction on what to do. During this time, it seemed certain that it would all come to an end, that the works of the Fords would be naught but a footnote known to only the most esoteric of scholars.

The Golden Age – 1903-1950 AD

That is, of course, until Henry Ford changed everything. Lacking any particular interest in alchemy or the transformation of matter, Henry Ford established the Ford Motor Company in 1903 and helped spark an industrial revolution. His innovative assembly line concept and new approach to manufacturing changed the world forever, as he introduced numerous models of Ford vehicles to the people of the US.

A black and white photo is showing two men sitting by a model T looking at smaller vehicle.

For many people, this is the face of the Ford Motor Company and all they know of the history of this unusual brand. During this time, Henry Ford refused to speak of his ancestors or the works they had done. It is said that whenever asked about them, or the name “Xllyn’ough,” he would quickly change the subject, or simply faint on the spot and wet himself.

Opening the Gate – 1951-1964 AD

The reason for this is apparent to anyone that looks closely at what happened next. In 1951, Ford established a scientific laboratory in Michigan – the modern equivalent to the alchemical foundries and laboratories of Ford’s ancestors. Although they officially were working on superconductivity and similar fields of science, in reality, they had much more cryptic pursuits in mind. According to one source, named only “D” in most surviving transcripts, they had a particular goal: to split open the walls that separate our reality from other dimensions.

In 1964, this work was done by Ford Research Labs in pursuit of what they called a “superconducting quantum interference device,” which they (appropriately enough) referred to as SQUID. The reality, however, is that the SQUID in question was a multidimensional being of unimaginable intelligence and unspeakable horror. Every scientist working in the Ford Research Labs when they opened the gate and saw the eyes of the SQUID looking back at them has since died – most from suicide, though a few have simply vanished.

A black and white photo is showing a production floor full of people with a floating eye and squid tentacle at Ford dealership near you.

Development at Ford was never the same.

Eulogy for an Empire – 1965 AD-Present

What happened after that? No one truly knows. There are numerous sources and rumors; you can find entire websites devoted to searching for the truth of it – but none have cracked that puzzle. Since then, the Ford Motor Company has largely been involved with exactly what it appears to be: making cars, trucks, and SUVs. And if that’s all you’re interested in, then that’s fine. But those of us who have caught a glimpse of Xllyn’ough in all its betentacled glory know that one day the gate will open again, and the mark of Ford will be burnt upon our minds.

Editor’s Note: To learn more, simply kneel outside, beneath a yellowed gibbous moon, close your eyes, and chant the blasphemous name of Xllyn’ough as a profane litany. Then you’ll know the truth and see what it means to be “Built Ford Tough.” Thank you.


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