Rockford IL – For those of you who only know Rockford, IL as the “Dry Hand-Job Capitol of the U.S”, it’s time to buy yourself a new commemorative coffee cup. Why? Because the most recent sales data on the truck segment have identified Rockford as having the greatest concentration of Honda Ridgelines, than any other town or city in the country. Needless to say, if you’re a Rockfordian debating the 2019 Chevy Silverado vs 2019 Honda Ridgeline, you have more of a choice than had when you lost your job in the Curel Lotion plant shutdown of ’09.
But for those lacking interest in automotive stats, it’s also worth pointing out that the Illinois branch of COW (Continental Organization of Women) has also identified Rockford as “possessing the least amount of toxic masculinity’ in the Prairie State. And while there’s no biological data to backup the assumption, the claim is certainly an interesting one.
But more importantly, it leads to a potentially fascinating correlation, implying that ownership of a Honda Ridgeline might force either (a) a decrease in testosterone, or (b) an increase in estrogen, rendering men significantly less-threatening to women.
Honda, however, disagrees. In a formal rebuttal of the statement made by COW, Honda Press Secretary Amanda Saevmie suggests that the Honda Ridgeline,” has always represented a paradigm shift in how we define the pickup truck experience. In today’s more enlightened society, we no longer define a man by his machismo. We define them by having male parts, and the Ridgeline is a truck because it has truck parts.”
(Editorial Note: Soon after making these comments, Ms. Saevmie was released from her duties at Honda based on complaints that her views on gender are too rigid…)
We at The Lemon found further contention from the residents of Rockford, themselves. Inviting ourselves to a local town meeting, we found ourselves privy to an enlightening dialog that truly helped us to understand the mindset of these unintentional Ridgeline loyalists.
“It’s the implication!” complained Randy Sexton, with a decisive finger snap. “I am a MAN, and I demand to be treated as such.” His wife of seven years and local girl’s Phys-Ed teacher Jamie Beard-Sexton agrees.
Listening to countless complaints of a similar fashion, Rockford Mayor Tom McNamara seemed to agree with his constituents. “While we are grateful to both Honda Motor Company and the Continental Organization of Women, we are publicly (and respectfully) declining any claim to the titles they have offered. We’re a dry hand-job town. Always have been, always will be. Well, unless of course Neutrogena accepts our bid to reopen the old Curel plant, that is. Either way, our Honda Ridgelines are trucks! The men of our community are all proud men! And the women of our community are all proud women!”
(Editorial Note: Soon after making these comments, Mayor McNamara was released from his duties based on complaints that his views on gender are too rigid…)
So if you’re still interested in a dry hand-job find yourself a Rockford native with a Honda Ridgeline in their driveway.
