How to Turn Your Chevy SUV Into a Zombie Destroyer

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Mary Barra, the head of GM, is wearing war paint, holding spears and has a patch that reads 'badass mother' while standing in front of zombies.

Does the impending zombie apocalypse keep you up at night? Good, me too. Luckily for you, I have developed a foolproof way of protecting yourself from the hordes of undead that are out to eat your brains. This information is very important, so read carefully. I am going to outline how you can turn any of the many Chevy SUVs into a zombie destroyer.

You may be thinking; “Surely this can’t be done, the Chevy SUV is made to lug soccer balls from my house to the field.” Well, you are straight wrong on that one, bucko! The SUV may not bring the power of a pony car, but it has the size and maneuverability to rip, grind, and tear through an army of the dead, and even on a weeknight!

The SUV is truly the best car for the zombie apocalypse; it has good ride height, solid fuel efficiency compared to larger vehicles like tanks and buses, and it is easier to come by in suburban areas. The added benefits of extra storage space for weapons and shrink wrap to store your baked goods are invaluable. There really is no other option than the SUV to make sure you make it to the local barbershop and back during the end of days.

How to Blend Into The Night to Deter The Zombie Horde

A zombie is rolling off of a black Chevy SUV and leaving blood streaks.

Biggie may have been felled in his Suburban, but that doesn’t mean you need to get got in your Chevy SUV. By blacking out your vehicle and zombie-proofing your windows, you will be sure to be undetected and scratch-proof against the flesh-craving fiends.

What? You say you haven’t blacked out your car before? Well, you should start with taking off your hubcaps and spray painting them black. That will only cost you around 3-4 cans of paint. Next, buy some black vinyl, it’s only around $7-8 per square foot. Make sure you cover the headlights and grille, so the zombies won’t be alerted to your movements. Take your license plate completely off and cover the void where they used to be; the DMV won’t be on your behind after the fall of society as we know it! Make sure to cover the taillights too, anyone that gets up your rear on the road won’t be a friend of yours in the final days of humanity. Window tinting or duct tape will do the trick. These slight alterations will ensure you aren’t the next lumbering zombie trying to break into the local convenience store for your daily helping of brains.

How to Apply Armor Plating To Chevy SUVs

A man in welding gear is in front of an old Chevy SUV with "war wagon" painted on the side.

Left to its own devices, Chevy SUVs would let a zombie through their brittle glass in seconds, leaving you to be a tasty snack. Remove your windows and replace them with heavy-duty fencing, after spray painting it black, of course. This is required, as you can’t shoot through glass.
Many think that they need to barrel over the undead at breakneck speed. This cannot be further from the truth. You want to be able to slowly push through hordes of zombies; you don’t actually need to run them over, hothead! To do this, you will need to reinforce your Chevy SUV’s front bumper to push your way through hordes of the living dead.

Weaponry To Apply To Chevy SUVs

Have you considered applying spikes to your hubcap? If not, you may not be prepared for what is to come. 6” spokes oughta do the trick; in a Chevy SUV, they would be just long and high enough to take out the knee caps of some Z’s. Let’s not forget about all those holes in the fencing we applied in the last section. Use these holes to stick your katana out of while decapitating aunt Marie’s zombie corpse! Speaking of which, make sure to value sharp weaponry over guns overall; you don’t need to reload a sharp fin sticking out of your bumper, whereas you will need to keep a steady supply of lead in your AR-15.

How To Attack Zombies From Your SUV

Two rules to live by; keep moving, keep away. Make sure that you stay far enough away from the brain munchers to not get bit, but close enough to swing for the head. You know what that means? A sunroof, of course! Use the sunroof to your advantage. Keep your squad member stationed outside of the hatch to swing at the zombies that get too close to the vehicle while you make your supply runs.

Remember that fencing we applied in the armor section (I assume you’ve already implemented the steps above, this is important folks)? Well, now we can discuss how to take advantage of it! Use anything from gardening equipment to a reacher grabber to take valuables off of zombies such as clothes and jewelry, they won’t be using it anymore! If all else fails, you can poke at the zombies with pencils. Chevy SUVs have windows at the perfect height for eye-gouging.

Pre-Apocalypse Upgrades For Chevy SUVs

If you want to blend into society before doomsday, you may be lulling yourself into a false sense of security, but there are certain things you can do to any iconic Chevy SUV to prepare. For instance, have you considered a wider tire recently? You could say that the upgrade is for better grip, but deep down you know that it would be to climb over piles of zombie corpses while your neighbors are trapped inside waiting for rescue.

You may want extra gas for that road trip, right? It’s definitely not to travel to the safe haven two states away. You could easily create extra storage for gas cans with an elastic strap and some sort of locking mechanism. Onlookers wouldn’t second guess the extra fuel before the chaos unfolds.
Whether you are faced with scrapes or torn ligaments, a first aid kit is a good option for any vehicle owner. You may want extra Clorox wipes to wipe away the infected blood in the apocalypse or to remove harsh germs after soccer practice. Either way, make sure to scrub up before and after a good supply run before or after the apocalypse. Chevy SUVs are able to hold so much more though. You could stock it up with trail mix, bathroom supplies, or hedge trimmers to cut through pesky fences to escape the zombie horde in record time!

Conclusion

This information is useful to any car owner, but the only car type with the gumption to make it through the apocalypse would be a Chevy SUV. They are made to last, as American as apple pie or rock and roll, and are the perfect vehicle to pose as a soccer mom by day and a zombie thriver at night. Make sure to prepare the best you can before the apocalypse by tinting your windows, blacking out your car, and applying the necessary upgrades without looking conspicuous. Once the brain-eaters arise, though, make sure to armor up and apply the necessary weaponry to fight off the hordes. Other than that, Chevy SUVs are perfect to cruise around with the family, even with dozens of flesh-eaters itching to get into your sweet ride. Drive on in comfort, citizens! While your Mustang-driving neighbors may be food, you can ride on in comfort through the end of days.

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