Huge Leak: Major Info about the Apple Car

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A black and white image shows the Apple iCar .

Whether you’re interested in auto news or simply have ears and eyes, you’ve probably heard some sort of scuttlebutt about an Apple Car in the works. Dubbed by some as the “iCar,” there are more rumors about it swirling throughout the media and auto industry news outlets than anything else I can ever remember seeing. Everyone wants the scoop on what’s in the works and what sort of features it will have.

This is amusing to me, in large part because Apple has pretty firmly denied they’re actually working on their own car. According to their statements, they’re more interested in developing technology for use by other auto manufacturers rather than dealing with the tremendous investment and hassle of building their own vehicle. But, despite their statements, I’ve managed to get my hands on information from inside the company and have some ripe, fleshy bits of information to share with you, my loyal readers.

Details on Shape and Design

Multiple prototype cars are shown, one is a green apple with wheels.

Perhaps the one thing people most want to know is what it will look like – after all, with any bold, emergent technology, that’s what really matters. Who cares about power, performance, or how well it actually functions? Technology is fashion nowadays, so style and the ability to make your friends jealous are what matter most.

The early designs I’ve seen show a clear vision: no, literally clear. Much like Wonder Woman’s jet, the exterior and mechanical components of the iCar will be completely transparent. Not only does this provide the driver with an incredible view of the road, but it also ensures your neighbors can see you enjoying yourself, creating a constant reminder of how much better than them you truly are.

Technology to Dazzle

As we all know, back in the stone ages of modern technology, Apple “borrowed” some concepts and ideas from Xerox in developing its first interface. It seems the well has run dry once again, as early concept pieces and prototypes I’ve seen have again borrowed from Xerox designs. The interior will utilize a graphical user interface with touchscreens that never properly read where your finger is located, enabling you to easily access the wrong menu right at your fingertip. Early tests have also shown there’s about a 47% chance that attempting to turn on the vehicle will result in an error message, and you’ll have to open the hood to remove a paper jam before starting it.

An All-New New-Car Smell

A close up shows a boy in a car seat farting while his sister is pinching her nose.

Apple is famously all about innovation, creating new things, and giving people something they didn’t know they wanted. It seems they’ve done it again, as Apple’s engineers have been hard at work developing an entirely new new-car smell for their iCar. In talking to several insiders who insisted on remaining anonymous, the smell has been described as “weirdly citrusy,” “overtly erotic,” and “primordially meaty.” According to my same sources, Apple has already trademarked their new smell, and they are in talks with a major Hollywood studio to develop an animated film based on it.

The Price

If Apple is known for anything, it’s for delivering high-quality products that are definitely priced fairly for what they offer. No one has ever accused Apple of riding on its name-brand recognition and pricing their products at absurdly high rates simply because they can. That would be crazy.

Fortunately, it seems Apple is staying true to form with the iCar, and early estimates expect it will start at somewhere between $300k and $700k MSRP. That’s for the standard trim, of course, and additional accessories like wheels and seats will cost extra. When questioned about the price, one source I spoke to from inside Apple responded, “People will still stand in line and get a second mortgage to afford it, so shut up.” I can’t argue with that.

Editor’s Note: We firmly believe that the writer of this piece has no actual insider information about Apple or the development of any “iCar.” However, when we attempted to question him further about his sources, he politely reminded us that his contract stipulates we can only ask him one question each year. It’s early yet, and we don’t want to use it up, so we let it ride. Thank you.

This is amusing to me, in large part because Apple has pretty firmly denied they’re actually working on their own car. According to their statements, they’re more interested in developing technology for use by other auto manufacturers rather than dealing with the tremendous investment and hassle of building their own vehicle. But, despite their statements, I’ve managed to get my hands on information from inside the company and have some ripe, fleshy bits of information to share with you, my loyal readers.

Details on Shape and Design

Perhaps the one thing people most want to know is what it will look like – after all, with any bold, emergent technology, that’s what really matters. Who cares about power, performance, or how well it actually functions? Technology is fashion nowadays, so style and the ability to make your friends jealous are what matter most.

The early designs I’ve seen show a clear vision: no, literally clear. Much like Wonder Woman’s jet, the exterior and mechanical components of the iCar will be completely transparent. Not only does this provide the driver with an incredible view of the road, but it also ensures your neighbors can see you enjoying yourself, creating a constant reminder of how much better than them you truly are.

Technology to Dazzle

As we all know, back in the stone ages of modern technology, Apple “borrowed” some concepts and ideas from Xerox in developing its first interface. It seems the well has run dry once again, as early concept pieces and prototypes I’ve seen have again borrowed from Xerox designs. The interior will utilize a graphical user interface with touchscreens that never properly read where your finger is located, enabling you to easily access the wrong menu right at your fingertip. Early tests have also shown there’s about a 47% chance that attempting to turn on the vehicle will result in an error message, and you’ll have to open the hood to remove a paper jam before starting it.

An All-New New-Car Smell

Apple is famously all about innovation, creating new things, and giving people something they didn’t know they wanted. It seems they’ve done it again, as Apple’s engineers have been hard at work developing an entirely new new-car smell for their iCar. In talking to several insiders who insisted on remaining anonymous, the smell has been described as “weirdly citrusy,” “overtly erotic,” and “primordially meaty.” According to my same sources, Apple has already trademarked their new smell, and they are in talks with a major Hollywood studio to develop an animated film based on it.

The Price

If Apple is known for anything, it’s for delivering high-quality products that are definitely priced fairly for what they offer. No one has ever accused Apple of riding on its name-brand recognition and pricing their products at absurdly high rates simply because they can. That would be crazy.

Fortunately, it seems Apple is staying true to form with the iCar, and early estimates expect it will start at somewhere between $300k and $700k MSRP. That’s for the standard trim, of course, and additional accessories like wheels and seats will cost extra. When questioned about the price, one source I spoke to from inside Apple responded, “People will still stand in line and get a second mortgage to afford it, so shut up.” I can’t argue with that.

Editor’s Note: We firmly believe that the writer of this piece has no actual insider information about Apple or the development of any “iCar.” However, when we attempted to question him further about his sources, he politely reminded us that his contract stipulates we can only ask him one question each year. It’s early yet, and we don’t want to use it up, so we let it ride. Thank you.

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