Friends, as you well know, I consider myself an unassailable bastion of automotive journalistic integrity and a man that can eat an unreasonable number of meatballs in a single meal. Especially smaller, cocktail meatballs, like as appetizers. Find me some small meatballs in sauce – particularly a zesty Asian-inspired BBQ sauce using hoisin – and I’ll sit myself down with a plate of them, stacked nearly to the point of catastrophic collapse, and go to town.
But when I’m not eating meatballs, I’m keeping a keen eye on current events. As you already know, treason season started early this year as a perfectly reasonable group of sore losers, white supremacists, fascists, and QAnon cultists led an insurrection at the US Capitol. Fortunately, their efforts were as impotent as many of them likely are, but that hasn’t stopped one US auto manufacturer from trying to cash in on the whole ordeal…
The Ford Chassis Cab Insurrection Edition
Ford has proudly revealed the upcoming Insurrection Edition for their popular line of hard-working Super Duty Chassis Cab models. At the moment, they’ve only announced it for the F-600, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see additional models available in the future if this one does well. In many ways, it’s a standard Chassis Cab, with a powerful 7.3L gas or 6.7L diesel engine available and very impressive numbers in terms of towing and payload.
What really sets the Insurrection Edition apart, however, is the exclusive “One True American” package available only for this model. The upfit includes a flat, rear platform with numerous American flags, Confederate flags (because why not both?), and similar emblems painted on it. There are convenient connections for MAGA banners, a guillotine, or similar items on the platform, as well as select passages from famous American speeches painted on the front hood and sides. These include “The right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed,” from the US Bill of Rights; as well as “The negro is not equal to the white man; that slavery – subordination to the superior race – is his natural and normal condition,” from Alexander H. Stephens’s 1861 speech regarding the Cornerstone of the Confederacy.
The all-new Insurrection Edition also includes a special built-in two-in-one beer keg and eyewash station. It’s perfect for some preloading before the big event, and having a few cold ones before you try to use deadly force in the name of imposing your will on democracy! Plus, when traitorous racists discover there are consequences to their actions and get lovingly sprayed in the face with mace by the police officers they claim to support while trying to murder them, they’ll be able to get their eyes rinsed out.
More Details to Come
For now, the only safety features confirmed by Ford are pre-collision assist with automatic emergency braking, a lane keeping alert system, and gold-plated airbags licensed exclusively from the 45th President and manufactured in China. These airbags are beautiful. They’re the best airbags; everyone agrees. Ford gives them an A+, but they deploy slowly due to the gold plating, and they’re almost guaranteed to kill you on impact. They’re beautiful, and you’ll love them.
I’ve heard that after the mutiny failed and dozens of arrests have been made, Ford is slowly reconsidering their strategy in releasing this Insurrection Edition. There are concerns that they’ve already invested so much into its development, however, that not releasing it would be a significant loss for the company. My thoughts and prayers are with them in this difficult time.
Editor’s Note: We have tried to verify the existence of this Ford Chassis Cab Insurrection Edition, but so far, we have not been able to do so. Ford spent $2.6 million in political contributions in 2020, giving to both parties, and $4.2 million in lobbying in 2019; in the wake of the insurrection, they have apparently decided to stop political donations entirely. This suggests they think funding politics, in general, is the problem, and not that a particular part of the population might be unstable, fascist, and zealously obsessed with their leader. Thank you.