Increase in Used SUV Sales Linked to Increase in Abductions

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Whether you’re exploring makes, models, model years, trim levels or body styles the simple fact is that there’s some sort of audience for each and every vehicle on the road. Selecting that perfect vehicle means finding the one that fits organically with your lifestyle, budget and (yes) personal image. Failure to do so is the equivalent of a seven-foot man climbing out of a Mini Cooper. It just doesn’t look right.

That said, recent decades have seen SUVs and crossovers emerge as the preferred option (and perfect fit) for families, supplanting the minivan that had preceded it as the go-to choice. And while options like the Chrysler Pacifica and Dodge Grand Caravan have managed to tread water, the minivan has been slowly fading away for years now. Even used SUVs for sale outrank new minivans in terms of popularity.

But what does this mean for the large number of used minivans who sit collecting dust, unwanted like the automotive equivalent of a sexually aggressive rescue dog, or the weird kid that no-one wants to adopt because of his early onset male-pattern baldness? Fortunately, there is a target demographic for such vehicles. A less ‘nit-picky’ segment of consumers that won’t get discouraged by worn upholstery, dated technology or banged up interiors. That group, of course, is the purposeful kidnapper.

Now, some of you might be inclined to judge these individuals and their unique entrepreneurial spirit. But whether you’re talking about career kidnappers or the circumstantial amateur who has been pushed over the edge, society has taught us that it’s important to understand them as individuals. I mean, if certain groups are pushing for pedophilia to be accepted as a “sexual orientation”, shouldn’t we also be willing to accept kidnappers as “van enthusiasts”?

I mean, think of how much these guys must love their vans. It doesn’t matter how banged up and dirty the van is. It doesn’t matter if there’s actually candy in the van, or if they’re simply pretending there is. They are so excited about that van, and they want people to see the inside of that van so badly, that they’ll pull people off the streets…sometimes complete strangers! We can only assume that any binding or restraint of those people is based on the enthusiasts’ desire to keep them there so that they can grow more relaxed and appreciate more of what the van has to offer.

To better understand, we spoke to a serial kidnapper (who preferred to remain anonymous) one who happens to be the proud owner of a 1998 Honda Odyssey. According to him, “The minivan is enjoying a true renaissance in the eyes of van enthusiasts like myself. Back in the day, we all settled for barren, shitty conversion vans. Sometimes we even had to white-wash the airbrushed murals of buxom warrior women riding dragons across a burning sunset because, well, we like to keep things low-key. Nowadays, we can pick up a used minivan for next to nothing and have the option of keeping the seats in or removing them. And on top of that, who doesn’t love multi-zone climate control?”

So, if you’re looking to trade in your family’s minivan, don’t worry. There is bound to be a van enthusiast who will put it to good use. And on a related note, never go jogging alone.

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