Family Full of Douchebags? Test Drive a Chevy Suburban Today!

Shadows of family at beach with the text #momlife #happyfamily #perfectday #lovemyfamily #livingourbestlife #livelaughlove #lifedoesntgetanybetter #togetherforever #what #omg #WTF #carsarentallowed #slowdown #stop #noplease #stop

According to industry insiders, General Motors has come under fire for recent marketing initiatives built around the 2019 Chevy Suburban. With a starting price point of $50,600 MSRP it seems reasonable that Chevy would build a campaign that targeted the upper-middle class demographic most likely to purchase the Suburban. However, the increasing influence of democratic socialist ideals upon younger consumer groups is visible on the damning indictments that Chevy and parent-company GM have been forced to refute on social media.

Leah-Rose Grantham, 18, is a college freshman and a vegan, polyamorous pansexual transgender female (since mid-September) a description which she specified as being “of no importance” immediately after telling us that’s how she self-identified, before we even had a chance to introduce ourselves.

“Unacceptable,” she states decisively, addressing the Suburban campaign. “This kind of Instagram-Perfect Family marketing needs to stop. If you’re not outraged by this kind of non-inclusive demographic pandering, you need to take a long, hard look in the mirror, Mr. Man.”

The campaign, intended to emphasize the ample seating (for nine) and wealth of tech-centric amenities, features what GM is calling “an accurate representation of some 21st-century families”. The family, presented as financially secure and living comfortably in a beautiful home, consists of a(n African-American) father, (Caucasian) mother, one son, three daughters and a dog. As a whole, they are a happy, healthy family benefiting from education and sound financial decisions. They exude a sense of athleticism and clear intellect. As the commercial begins each member of the family is excitedly getting ready for some kind of outing. They pile into the spacious Suburban and drive happily to their destination while enjoying all the amenities that the high-end vehicle has to offer. We then see that the destination is a Child Services office. Entering the building, they are greeted by a female professional pushing a young Asian boy confined to a wheelchair. The professional turns to the boy and asks, “Are you ready to meet your new family.” He smiles warmly as the family embraces him, and the commercial ends with him seated comfortably in the Suburban as his wheelchair is loaded into the back.

“Truth be told, we’re a little confused,” explains Tony Cervone, GM’s Senior VP of Global Communications. “The commercial was designed with inclusivity and sensitivity in mind. It was meant to reflect the evolving face of the American family, and restore wholesome values to our marketing initiatives. And frankly, it tested very well.”

But some people feel that Chevy and GM have failed at presenting a realistic depiction of both the American Family and the typical Suburban customer. Meet Stacie-Renee Akey, a single “mompreneur” and original complainant against the Suburban campaign. “This is bull(expletive deleted),” she explained, after trying to get us to buy some #Thrive. “As a single mother, who owns a Chevy Suburban, raising three mixed-race children, my life ain’t nothing like this…and it (expletive deleted) sucks.”

Akey, a resident of subsidized housing supports her family on her disability benefits, after a workplace injury in 2014. Combined with certain welfare benefits, she is able to support her three children despite the fact that none of their (three separate) fathers pay child support. Akey contends that she was justified in “treating herself” to a fully-loaded 2018 Suburban.

“Why don’t that family look like me?” she contends, smoking a blunt while running updates on her new iPhone. “I mean, sure, the kids come pretty close…but I ain’t got no brothers between my sheets, trying to be no successful doctor and shit.”

And her complaints which gained traction among her enabling peers, went viral, criticizing GM for “not reflecting what American families really look like”. Furthered by leftist activist groups, Akey has been given a platform to challenge one of the world’s largest automakers. Her goal?

“I don’t know. Maybe you need to be asking them how much it’s worth to them. I mean, this ain’t about the money. But…it ain’t like you’d turn money down if it was offered to you. Maybe even a new car. Hell, come to think of it, maybe I should get me one of them Chinese wheelchair kids. That’s bound to beef up a check, or two.”


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