Inside of a dark auditorium in Wan Chai, Honk Kong, hundreds of members of the global press corps had gathered. The murmuring audience hushed as a spotlight fell upon the lone dais placed at the center of the room. A singular pair of footsteps echoed subtly, as a long figure stepped up onto the platform and began to speak. That man was Christian Meunier, Global Division Vice President of Infiniti Motor Company, Ltd and overseer of the automaker’s Marketing and Sales Operations.
“I was a young man when I became enamored with the teaching of Albert Einstein,” he began. “Not because I aspired to a career in theoretical physics…and certainly not because I admired his style sense.” He paused, as the crowd laughed politely. “My admiration for the man-centered around his perspective, and his inherent ability to understand the big picture in everything that he did.”
“Einstein once said, ‘Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity…and I’m not sure about the former.’ Here at Infiniti, we may never aspire to a point where we are testing whatever borders exist to keep our universe contained. But as Vice President of Marketing, it is my job to test whatever borders exist on human stupidity.”
Behind him, a panoramic screen began to glow.
“I don’t say this because I believe that the average Infiniti consumer is stupid. I say this because the beauty and science found in well-realized Marketing comes in finding the least common denominator in our societies and building upon it.”
“To do so effectively demands that we be honest with ourselves and genuinely introspective. It means setting aside our internalized shame and self-loathing, to learn what truly makes us ‘tick’ as a society. And what makes us tick..?”
Suddenly the screen jumps to life, and we see…
The room goes dark, accompanied by countless groans of confusion and bewilderment. Somewhere, we think we hear the wrenching sound of someone vomiting near an exit. The spotlight rises to find Mr. Meunier.
“Hurts, doesn’t it? And yet, the series ran successfully for six televised seasons over a four year period. In fact, it’s absence was so damning that it was resurrected earlier this year.”
He points to the screen as it jumps to life again.
Ignoring the sounds of two or three attendees pounding desperately at the exit, demanding to be released, Mr. Meunier continued,”The Millenial and Generation Z audience that supports such programming makes up the single largest segment of new customers in the global automotive marketplace. Here at Infiniti, we’ve always aspired to present ourselves as something greater, as an elite offering to be enjoyed by the more discriminating driver. What we should have been doing is saying, ‘Hey. We’re Infiniti. After you drive us, we rip your fucking head off.’ Also, ‘Look at the size of our airbags.’”
Two rows over the unmistakable sound of several Japanese automotive publicists committing Seppuku, in shared ritual suicide.
“In a new partnership with MTV, Infiniti vehicles will now be exclusively featured on all programming. When Nev and Max are out hunting some creepy 47-year old man who is Catfishing unsuspecting hipsters by posing as a 22-year old Instagram model named Sascha…Infiniti will be there to get them safely to his disgusting hovel so that they can awkwardly confront him. When fame-seeking twenty-something former Teen Moms go into labor or need to escape the controlling nature of their abusive boyfriends, Infiniti will be there. And yes, if and when there’s another Jersey Shore reunion, we’ll be there to soak up the inevitable vomit and ejaculate with our lush and spacious interiors.”
He pauses, as several journalists begin to scream at each other unintelligibly, throwing right-hooks at each other without any discrimination.
“We are Infiniti…and we’re no better than the rest of you pathetic meat-sacks.”